I want to thank you for your comments. I read EVERY SINGLE one on all cast blogs; your voices are being heard.
I hadn't written because I was unsure where to start -- or end. I am still so angry, but then I realized that I'd better move THROUGH this here with you, whom I consider my comrades.
Looking back on this "season," AKA the last six months of my life, I've learned a lot. I'm grateful for every bit of it and look forward to more that I have to learn. If I may say for the time being, to hell with every coward who stabbed me in the back, for reasons that I have not determined despite trying.
One of the lessons I'm still learning is that even when I think I'm stepping up to defend myself, I'm still holding my tongue, out of respect and to take the high road. As deep I have dug for a straight answer, manipulation and power plays are Reza's best maneuver. I feel naive to write this, but I never in a million years thought that Reza would have a reason to turn into such a malicious human being. And to the person he refers to as "a friend." I didn't know people were capable of such, and it has been a growing experience. Everything that I want to write I would rather confront face-to-face to the people who spoke and acted on me. I've been absent from here for a reason, and it's because I want to confront my accusers face to face.
All along, I've been thinking that I should hold my tongue until I get to confront them in an arena where they would be brave enough to be accountable for their true colors, intentions, and actions. But they are ALL cowards. Yes, Reza and Lilly are both pathetic, lying, scum-sucking, contradictive, underhanded cowards. Part of me is fuming when I sit down to write because I re-visit the morally reprehensible, false, and repeated character assassinations of my friends and acquaintances. At least, I appreciate and find some vindication that a vast majority of you are seeing right through the scheming, lying, back stabbing that I've been feeling all last year.
I've always been one who wants to hear everyone's take on things and sometimes that makes me think I'm too open minded to speak my own mind. I think I got it from my father and wanted not to inherit the traits I didn't like about my mother.
However, I'm not willing to silence myself any more. Taking the time to commence the blog has been the toughest part of all. Every time I sit down to write, I am so angered and disgusted by the things that have happened. I'm not here to make a single excuse. But I am going to express the emotions that I'm feeling. Before I go into it, I want you all to know that it's a relief that you can see through the true colors of my "friends." Someone recently tweeted me a photo quotation that reads, "What doesn't kill me makes me more awesome."
My take on GG finally meeting up with Reza:
Reza was so self righteous and dismissive. He didn't show up with an open-mind, while GG's demeanor was humble, pliant, and vulnerable. I saw right through his insincere preach about how he's no better than everyone else. Too bad he was just using that to manipulate GG into convincing her that "every time you have a feeling it doesn't need to have a grand discussion." Sit down and shut up, you're not Dr. Phil. Reza, like the rest of us, is neither trained or equipped to understand, relate to, or advise Golnesa on what she was going through. None of the rest of us understand what makes a person become physical. He is totally out-of-line to conduct himself from such a position.
My lunch with my mom is hard to watch. But after I watch it again, I realized the experience helped me learn so much about myself and it's helping me as an adult to understand what experiences shaped my thinking from early childhood. I don't want to repeat an old negative pattern, and I don't want to lose the opportunity to improve my relationship with my mother.
Am I creating new boundaries with her? Yes.
Am I creating an emotional barrier between her stuff, which is toxic for me? Yes.
I'm working on that and she, too, can learn about herself through what she gains from therapy. But I never saw her connect so quickly to what Dr. Michelle pointed out to her about "Vida's pain, being her pain." My mom was never given that opportunity in a mental health setting like we have with Dr. Michelle.
Also, I strongly believe that my individual therapy is very different and separate from that which my mother and I seek.
My take on the OMID vs Mike fight:
Everytime I see Mike or Omid walk through a door, my heart smiles; they were both raised as outstanding gentlemen, with solid values and they both truly exude that energy each time I see them. Except tonight.
Mike f---ed up. I had to watch this over and over again to be able to see it from both perspectives and I know I don't have to chose a side, but if I did, it would be hands down, Omid's side. Sorry, Mike. I was there for the whole thing, the WHOLE thing, and yes I expect more from you.
Mike's temper got the best of him, and in turn, he ended up mishandling his personal business with both Golnesa and Omid. The thing is that in our group we need Mike to step up for GG, but instead he dogs her in how he talks down to her. When Mike thinks he's being all love to Golnesa, he's repeatedly misfiring. The reason why I'm going H.A.M. on Mike is because REALLY I need him to step up. Maybe he'll read this and we'll get somewhere. The way he CHOOSES to communicate with GG is usually counter-productive and since he is the patriarch of our group, I expect Mike to hold us together in situations like this.
Anyway, back to the fight between Omid and Mike. . .both of these men were lied to and influenced by a something that's all too contagious in our group. It is being a target for inaccurate, grapevine gossip that creates unnecessary World Wars. What I remember most from this night was how patiently and calmly Omid remained seated in his chair while Mike was like a baby snake prematurely spewing venom to an innocent victim. Omid even told Mike repeatedly how much he looked up to Mike before this ambush. The damage still runs deep between Omid and Mike, but they better fix it.
OK, I gotta sign off for now, but will be back super soon!!!