Cast Blog: #SHAHS

The Middle-East Side Story

Recap: The Shahs Peace Summit

Recap: Recipe for Disaster

Asa's Profound and Cathartic Trip

Recap: Reza Pops The Big One

The Return of Lochnesa

Mike: I Will Marry Jessica Soon

Reza Dishes on His Engagement

Recap: Make a Run for the Border

Mike Shouldn't be "Scared" of Other Religions

Recap: Turkey with a Side of Apology

Mike's Inner Struggle

Lilly's Disrespectful Behavior

Mike Takes GG's Side

Recap: Outed by Chihuahuas

Reza: "Lilly Doesn't Understand Friendship"

Lilly's Battle with Foot Boogers

Recap: Always a Lady

Recap: A Little Too Much Diamond Water...

The Shah of Bull Sh--

Reza: "I Wish I Had Kept My Mouth Shut"

Ep 8: Persian Empire Divided

Will Mike Put a Ring on It?

Reza Learns the Power of Apology

Recap: Shah-etiquette

MJ Owes GG a Genuine Apology

What MJ Did was Wrong

Loch-Nesa vs. MJ

Asa's Juice Disaster

Recap: Persian Pride?

MJ's Moral Compass is Way Off

An Offer Lilly Can't Refuse?

Recap: Homo-Not-So-Genius

Mike's Disappointment with Reza

Asa: "I Definitely See Why Reza is Irritated"

Reza on the Fight: "I'm Not Proud of It"

Lilly Needs to "Get More Real"

Reza to Lilly: "Get Off Your High Horse"

Cry Me a River

Mike: Master Negotiator

Lilly: Ain't Nobody Got Time for This

The Middle-East Side Story

Nadine gives her thoughts on all the hoop earring-removing hoopla and Omid's hairband.

It’s only the second week of the Shahs and the golden hoop earrings have already come off. I’m shocked that GG gracefully waited until the second week to start a fight. And what was all the fighting about, you ask?

None other than big noses and egos -- which basically equates to every fight in (insert Persian household here). I kid, I kid. My mother would be mortified reading that so I had to put that disclaimer in for her. Mom (I know you’re reading), for the record, a comedian never apologizes for their jokes and I just did. You’re welcome.

If you guys haven’t watched the episode yet, here’s what you missed in a nutshell:

GG and MJ commiserate over Asa/Omid/GG/nose-gate from the last episode, while Pablo and Julio train to be fit Chihuahuas. The best part of the conversation was GG claiming she didn’t remember Omid’s hand up her skirt.

Here’s the thing. . .I know she was wasted, but the “I don’t remember, I was drunk” card only works in your 20s. For God’s sake, THEY WENT HOME TOGETHER! GG, come on! Where did you wake up the next morning? You’re only as good as your excuses. I feel like when she’s sober, she’s Golnesa, and when she’s a s---ty kitty, she’s GG. And GG was most definitely out at the dinner party.

Moving on. . .

We meet Asa’s parents (I think for the first time -- unless I missed something last season), and they’re strangely average for having a daughter like Asa! Totally not what I expected! During lunch, they insist that she go back to school, but Asa reminds them that she is the Persian Pop Priestess. Which I suppose means she like the Persian equivalent to Gaga. . .

Back to Asa’s parents. . .

Here’s the thing with Persian parents, they have this inherent need for their child to be a doctor or a lawyer. Want to know what I got my undergrad degree in? Biology. My parents won that battle. But, what am I doing now? Telling knock-knock jokes and blogging. My career is on fire, ha! Thankfully, I have an MBA as a back up (as my parents say). And no joke, my Dad is still trying to convince me to get my Ph.D. He just wants the prefix "Dr." in front of my name. He can’t help himself. I feel your pain, Asa!

Speaking of doctors and lawyers, in this episode we also learn that Persian Barbie, Lilly, used to practice law! However, she’s not practicing right now because she didn’t feel you could have sex appeal in the courtroom. So she started a "swimgerie" line. It’s a cross between swimwear and lingerie, or as I like to call it: waterproof underwear. I’m glad she’s decided to go into a more highbrow profession. Her Iranian parents must be proud. She’s a business owner! But Lilly said it herself; at least she has law to fall back on. . .or her boobs to fall forward on. Too much?

We finally meet MJ’s dad as she dyes his hair blue on her Persian rug. First of all, do you know how expensive those rugs are? Let’s just say if it could fly, it would. MJ should really consider relocating her beauty shop from the rug to the kitchen. Second, where did MJ buy her Dad’s hair dye? The 99 Cent Store? Because he looked like the Persian Papa Smurf with hairy ears, minus the red tights. No joke.

Once I got passed the blue hair, I was able to finally focus on her Dad; and I LOVE him. I feel really bad for him because I bet Vida used to walk all over him like MJ’s Persian rug.

Later in the episode MJ goes to therapy to talk about her Mommy issues. I can’t help but feel bad for her sometimes. Anyone who had to deal with a mom like Vida deserves a hug. But I’ll say this…MJ needs to move farther than a quarter-mile away from her mom. It’s time to cut the umbilical cord, even if it’s gold. Being Persian, I know it’ll be tough for a Persian girl to be far away from her mom, but maybe Vida’s European vacation will be good for everyone, except for her bird.

While MJ is doing her own thing, Asa and Reza go to a famous Persian psychic named Shohreh. According to Asa, if you google "Persian Psychic," Shohreh’s face will pop up. For the record, I googled her, and couldn’t find her. . .and now I’m officially hexed. Any way, Shohreh tells Reza that he’s really connected to his mom, but his dad isn’t really in the picture, and Reza is shocked by her knowledge.

He asks Asa if she’s mentioned anything to the psychic, and Asa assures Reza she did nothing of the sort. Think, Reza! How would she know? Could it be that EVERY Persian in the country watches this show!?! So it’s pretty safe to say that the whole Iranian community knows about your daddy issues. Some call it being a fan of the show, while Shohreh calls it psychic.

Anyway, when all is said and done, Reza tells Asa that he’s in the middle of a gay life crisis. He reveals that he’s dating somebody new (Adam), but still wants booty on the side. Who does he think he is? Big Pun? Later we see Reza on a date with Adam, and though it was cute, their dynamic wasn’t a shocker. Adam was quiet and Reza was a ham. Here we see life imitate art (Or is it art imitate life? I can never be sure with reality TV) and just like Shahs, this relationship is clearly destined to be The Reza Show (and I’m not complaining).

I don’t want to get into Reza and Adam too much because we still have the ENTIRE fight to cover. . .so let’s get to it!

It’s the big pool party that Asa invited everyone to at her friends’ house. Big Mistake. HUGE. GG rolls up in a Ferrari with Omid (NO COMMENT) and mumbles to herself, "I don’t see any food, so I better start drinking."

You know what that means in GG talk? FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

Before we get to the drama, can we please comment on Omid's hair band? What was he wearing? I understand the use of it, and God bless him for trying to make it look cool, but the high school girls' soccer team called and they ALL want their hair bands back. . .and their neon shirts.

But I digress. All is well in the beginning. . .Mike and Reza are talking real estate shop, while Omid and Asa try to reconcile their differences. “Try” is the key word here. The two of them go back and fourth about the night when GG chimes in defending Omid. I could be wrong, but I thought GG didn’t remember most of that night. . .remember your lies, girl.

The fight escalates over Asa’s “big nose” comment, and then GG reveals to us that her nose was an issue growing up and that she had plastic surgery. Fair enough. . .my unibrow and body hair were an issue growing up, but I never played a victim. Then Asa decides to poke at GG more by pointing out how GG always causes drama at parties.

Apparently “drama” is GG’s “buzzword” because homegirl takes off her gold hoops J-Woww style, and attacks!

Drunk MJ couldn’t hold her back. Her friends couldn’t hold her back. She was like Scrappy Doo (Scooby’s nephew). “Let me at ‘em, let me at ‘em!” The girls finally separate to their own corners of the boxing ring, and by that I mean Asa moves on to play a leisurely game of H.O.R.S.E. in her coverall and gold bow, while Mike tries to calm GG down to no avail. Then, Scrappy Doo GG runs back to Asa. . .only to be intercepted by Omid and escorted out. Asa continues to talk smack and play H.O.R.S.E. until GG is gone and then keeps the fight going (while she’s on a roll) by calling MJ two-faced for taking GG’s side.

Here’s what I think of that situation. I think MJ has the curse of the people pleaser. She hates fighting and will put up with everything. Just look at her relationship with her mom. How the hell is Asa expecting MJ to stand up for her when she can’t even stand up for herself? Plus, our Persian Snooki was hammered; not as drunk as we saw her in Vegas last season, but her silence and her drunk stagger were dead giveaways. Asa should have stopped a long time ago with GG because she’s smarter than that. She knows how to push her buttons and relentlessly kept pushing them.

My verdict: Forget about Team GG, that Persian yacht is long gone. She’s Omid and his hair band’s problem now. As for Team Asa or MJ? I need more information before I pick a side. All I can say is I CAN’T WAIT FOR NEXT WEEK! This season is so damn good! I can’t take it!

Recap: Reza Pops The Big One

Ep 14: Reza shocks everyone with his proposal to Adam.

After the Turkey episodes ended, I was thinking to myself, how the hell are they going to top that? Well…an engagement, I guess.

Besides Reza proposing to Adam on his 40th birthday, there was a lot more going on like: Mike and Reza untying the work knot, MJ having a high school reunion at the fertility clinic, and a bunch of Persians sliding on a piece of plastic. Oh and let’s not forget the rise of Lochnesa.

Let’s first start with Mike and Reza untying the knot. These two guys have gone back and fourth all season. Mike claims Reza hasn’t done anything for him, and Reza claims Mike is lazy. So which is it? I’m sure the truth lies somewhere in the middle. I will say this (and Reza has said this before): no one leaves a thriving business to start a new venture. Last season Mike made it quite clear that the commercial real estate business wasn’t where it was and that he needed to move on to something else. Truth is, Mike had to put in more legwork. Success doesn’t come overnight. However, I’m sure there is some truth to Reza not giving Mike the full attention he needed. But the good news is the two guys have gotten back to what’s really important in life -- friendship. God, I felt like I was watching an awkward break-up with the cliché conclusion of “we’re better off as friends.”

While we’re on the topic of Mike let’s talk about how he told Jessica that they’d get married by the time they’re 40. 40? Really Mike? 40? UM…Can I just say kudos to Jessica for putting Mike in his place and telling him that it doesn’t take five years to buy a ring. She’s right, she’s a good girl, has a good head on her shoulders, comes from a good family, and let’s not forget that she’s CONVERTING religions for Mike. Now, I know Mike wants to “blind the haters,” but he needs to get over himself and just put a ring on it, or he’ll lose Jessica. If you love someone, you can get them a lifesaver ring and it won’t matter. He can “blind the haters” when he makes more money down the line, but he needs to lock Jessica down or someone else will come and scoop her up. Let’s move on to MJ’s eggs. After MJ’s realization at the spa with Vida, she accompanied GG at the fertility doctor. I’m sure MJ didn’t love the surprise high school reunion with the doctor. I’d be mortified, but my embarrassment threshold is slightly lower than our beloved Shahs. I smell babies in Season 4 or 5 of the Shahs. GG said she doesn’t care about a man; she just wants to have babies. With that said, how amazing would it be to see GG and MJ at the sperm bank next season? I can just see GG thumbing through the book of frozen daddies.

Profile:
Donor ID: 3425 (GG: I like his name…he must be good at math)
DOB: 6/15/1990 (GG: Oh! He’s a Gemini! Two Personalities! Lochnesa and I will love him)
Blood Type: A+ (GG: Oh good! He’s a good student)
Occupation: Horse Trainer (GG: Maybe he can hook me up with hair for GG’s extensions?)
Hobbies: Spelunking (GG: Great! He can help me find my butthole.)

I can go on for hours…

Let’s move on to Reza’s birthday turned engagement party. Where do I start first? The Slip ‘n' Slide or Reza’s ode to the Iron Sheik? Reza looks like a cross between the Iron Sheik and the Burger King mascot:

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As for the Slip 'n' Slide. Take note, Persians will only go on a Slip ‘n’ Slide if there is a pot of gold waiting at the end. We’re like the leprechauns of the middle-east…

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Oh and can we just comment on Lochnessa’s bone to pick with MJ? I laughed so hard when she said “a knot,” and MJ responded, “What’s a knot?” I’ve been that drunk where I can’t comprehend simple words. Like the time I couldn’t think of the word “kitten” and called it a “cat puppy.” Yeah, that happened, but that’s a whole other story…

On to Reza’s engagement. I was so shocked he asked Adam to marry him. Reza always talked about being such a playboy and I’m so happy that he’s found a man that he wants to be with and STAY with. Adam seems like the sweetest thing and the yin to Reza’s yang. You could tell how nervous Reza was. He had the most nervous laugh! It was really sweet. I smell a gay Bravo wedding next year!

While all of this was going on, Mike did not seem too happy. I’m not sure how he felt watching it, but hopefully he got the message that he needs to put a ring on it before Jessica converts out of the relationship. I don’t know what will make her leave faster? No ring, or the fact that Mike always gets barged in on while doing the nasty. Personally, I think Mike likes to be barged in on. It’s more opportunity for him to show off his doodool talah.

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Meanwhile, as the gang was having a grand ol’ time at the party, Lilly was flying solo with Coconut, ordering in. I felt bad seeing Lilly by herself while everyone was having fun. It leaves me to wonder what will happen to Lilly next season? She doesn’t get along with MJ. Her and Reza aren’t on the best terms…but she’s on OK terms with the rest of the group. The reunion should be interesting to say the least.

Until next week…

Comments? Tweet me @nadinerajabi

Nadine Rajabi is a television producer, writer, and stand-up comedian from Los Angeles. Most importantly she's Bravo’s in-house Persian.