The Shah-Shank Redemption
Comedian Nadine Rajabi reflects on Asa's buried gold coins and Lilly's dog Coconut.
I just finished watching the season premiere of Shahs of Sunset, and they didn't waste anytime getting to the drama! This season there's a new girl in town and ton of flash with more gold, more of Reza's 'stache, and wait for it. . .more of GG's anger issues.
Let's dive in. The episode starts off with Reza visiting our favorite gypsy jetsetter, Asa. Asa has moved back into the house she owns as an income property. Asa tells us she thinks her and Reza are weird versions of each other, as evidenced by how over excited he gets seeing her $4,000 toilet.
Shockingly, Asa tells Reza that she only has $500 to her name, and that she needs to rent the house out fast so she can afford to pay her bills. Thankfully she tells Reza (and the rest of the Bravo viewers) her big secret, she has $30,000 worth of gold coins buried beneath her front porch in case she gets stuck. Some people use banks, while Asa finds solace in using concrete. She's so progressive.
Next we see MJ and her mom, Vida, transporting her mom's bird (or, as she would call it, her "Juju") to MJ's uncle's house. Vida reveals that that she's going on a Mediterranean cruise, just as Pablo reveals that he's not a fan of Juju. Somebody needs to tell these women that her Juju is under 40 lbs and needs a child seat.
Meanwhile GG goes to her sister Leila's house, where we meet Omid, a dude that GG claims to have "history" with. Leila and GG have a heated discussion in the kitchen about GG's lack of involvement in their hair extension company. Leila thinks GG needs to step it up and put her "big girl panties" on, while GG claims she doesn't even know how to work. She thinks Leila should be more empathetic. After all, it is her first job. . .at 30. Apparently, GG thinks 30 is the new 15. #firstworldproblems
The episode continues with Reza and Mike at the carwash. Mike shows off his 5-series Beemer that still has dealer plates. According to Mike -- the minute you put real plates on a car you can't claim it’s new anymore. He's right. That's why I haven't taken the wrapper off my computer yet. It still has that new blog smell. Anyway, Mike tells Reza that he's upset about showing 60 properties just to make $10 grand. We learn, it's hard out there for a pimp. . .in the valley.
As the day progresses, MJ and her mom arrive at aunt Ziba's house. They sit down to what starts off as a nice family lunch. Vida tells the group that she's going to Europe for six months, which is a little longer than she led on while in the car with MJ earlier. MJ takes a stab at her mom by toasting her departure and then asks her mom if she's going to give her a birthday present before she leaves. Vida replies that her present is leaving. I wonder if MJ is more upset about her mom leaving or the fact she might have to check on Juju while she's gone. MJ reminds us how critical her mom is of her, and then Vida tells the table how she hates everyone. Things fire up when MJ gives another toast to all the moms that don't judge their children and Vida accuses her of drinking too much. MJ starts crying and her mom lovingly replies that all she does is drink wine and cry. I would too if I were MJ. I'd drink the whole minibar. Then Vida storms out, but tells us in interview that she shows her love for MJ by stalking her. Or -- as she puts it -- she drives to her house every time she hears of a white Mercedes in an accident to make sure it wasn't MJ. She's a little like DeNiro in Meet the Parents.
Finally, we meet our new cast member, Lilly. Let's just say, if Kim K and Barbie ever had a love child, she would be it. She's from Texas, she's Reza's new client friend and she wants to buy a house. Quick backstory: Lilly is a lawyer, who now makes bikinis! Reza envies her because she's so thin, but what he doesn't realize is that they have more in common than they know. They both had mustaches in third grade. I bet you Lilly's 'stache would put Reza's to shame back in the day.
The show continues with Mike driving to Orange County on the phone with his mom. He tells her that he's on the way to his friend Manny's party, which will be attended by every rich Persian in Orange County. He enters to what seems to be a baby shower, when Manny takes him on the house tour.
Mike and Manny conclude the tour with some romantic man time on the beautiful Orange County deck. Mike asks Manny how he did it, and Manny gives him his whole life story in about three minutes. He tells him he came to the states at 13 and had to dumpster dive and sell stuff at the swap meet to survive. Inspired, Mike tells us that he wants to be just like Manny. A little advice Mike: Take off your purple plaid shirt before you hit the dumpster. Mommy wouldn't like that.
While Mike is getting inspired by Manny, Asa drives her broke ass in her Mercedes to meet with a designer, who wants her to perform at his fashion show. While there, the finance lady (who doubles as Cindy Crawford's Latina twin) tells Asa that she's never heard her music. That doesn't sit well with Asa to say the least. I mean, they called the meeting with the Persian Pop Priestess, they better know her music. They ask her price, and Asa tells them $15 grand, while they tell her they only have $10 grand and they'll get back to her. Asa, who doesn't have any money in her account, decides to roll the dice and walks out thinking she's clinched the gig. Let's hope she did the right thing!
The episode continues with Reza visiting his bestie, MJ. This is the first time we've seen them together all episode. I wonder if things have gotten weird between them since that day on Watch What Happens Live when MJ said that Reza had changed the most after Season 1. But I digress. Reza's there to help MJ set up her dating profile. To offset the kindness of his friendly favor, he tells MJ that her eyelashes make her look like a bunny and that it's going to be a lot harder for her to meet men than he thought. . .Looks like Reza has been hanging out with Vida! The two of them settle on MJ'’s profile being "Persian Cupcakes," a classy ode to her "boobs."
It’s a new day, and Asa has invited everyone to a dinner in Beverly Hills to celebrate getting the fashion show gig. All is great until GG and Omid start going drink for drink, getting hammered, while Mike gives them death stares.
Omid wants Asa to drink more, but doesn't he get that she's picking up the tab and is strapped for cash? She'll be ordering the salad. . .thanks, Omid. Asa gets mad at Omid for being too loud, and GG gets mad at Asa for being rude to Omid. Here we go, dominoes! We all know GG and Asa's history. . .GG's temper flares and she tells us in interview that she wants to pluck Asa's eyebrows. Yes, the ultimate Persian stab. You heard it correctly. She wants to mess with Asa's perfect arch. The way things are going, I wouldn't be surprised if GG breaks out her sword collection. The one thing I love about Asa is that she won't go down without taking a jab, so she thanks Omid for not getting a nose job. Then, she toasts to their people "before the nose job." Yes, she went there. Just as GG calls Asa a transvestite, Reza and Lilly show up. Perfect timing!
Asa welcomes Lilly to the group and GG tells us in interview she loves Lilly too. Let's face it, she needs an ally. Then Asa announces to the table she booked the Fashion Week gig! Hooray, she can pay her bills.
Meanwhile, Mike is annoyed at the very wasted GG and Omid, and the fact that Omid's hands are half-way up GG’s skirt. No big deal. When GG belligerently leaves, Omid is left to fend for himself. That's when he starts thinking he's being attacked and threatens to "Ric Flair" everyone. Lilly gets pissed, and scolds him for making jokes about raising a hand to a woman. She should have given him the "People's Elbow." Omid clearly doesn't like what Lilly says, so he leaves the scene as well. The episode ends with GG yelling for Omid, as they get in a cab together. Let's be real. They were just looking for an excuse to get a room.
CRAZY first episode, right??? GG is out of control. I thought she was working on her anger issues and was working out her differences with Asa. It's clear that she's going to be a problem this season. Albeit, one that we love to hate. I loved watching Asa talk about her money problems while living beyond her means because as a Persian that's all we do. It’s about the flash. It's cultural. We're raised this way. I’ll leave you with this thought that should sum it up: Persians are like Ugg boots: We're brown, furry and sweaty and nobody can figure out why we're so damn trendy.
See you all next week!