Cast Blog: #SHAHS

Ep 8: Persian Empire Divided

Recap: The Shahs Peace Summit

Recap: Recipe for Disaster

Asa's Profound and Cathartic Trip

Recap: Reza Pops The Big One

The Return of Lochnesa

Mike: I Will Marry Jessica Soon

Reza Dishes on His Engagement

Recap: Make a Run for the Border

Mike Shouldn't be "Scared" of Other Religions

Recap: Turkey with a Side of Apology

Mike's Inner Struggle

Lilly's Disrespectful Behavior

Mike Takes GG's Side

Recap: Outed by Chihuahuas

Reza: "Lilly Doesn't Understand Friendship"

Lilly's Battle with Foot Boogers

Recap: Always a Lady

Recap: A Little Too Much Diamond Water...

The Shah of Bull Sh--

Reza: "I Wish I Had Kept My Mouth Shut"

Will Mike Put a Ring on It?

Reza Learns the Power of Apology

Recap: Shah-etiquette

MJ Owes GG a Genuine Apology

What MJ Did was Wrong

Loch-Nesa vs. MJ

Asa's Juice Disaster

Recap: Persian Pride?

MJ's Moral Compass is Way Off

An Offer Lilly Can't Refuse?

Recap: Homo-Not-So-Genius

Mike's Disappointment with Reza

Asa: "I Definitely See Why Reza is Irritated"

Reza on the Fight: "I'm Not Proud of It"

Lilly Needs to "Get More Real"

Reza to Lilly: "Get Off Your High Horse"

Cry Me a River

Mike: Master Negotiator

Lilly: Ain't Nobody Got Time for This

Why Can't MJ Just Say "I'm Sorry"?

Ep 8: Persian Empire Divided

Looks like Reza and Mike should never have mixed business and friendship.

This week’s episode of the Shahs must be what it felt like when the Persian Empire broke up and divided. Just like our Shahs, those poor little countries (or shall I say modern territories to be historically correct) must have been like, what’s up with this? I thought we were an empire? We told the truth and we still got conquered?! Well, sometimes the truth will set you free in Reza’s case with Sasha, and if you’re GG, you lose. And if you’re Mike, you’re the country that feels slighted and wants to conquer all.

But miracles can happen in a Persian Empire. Look at GG and Asa. Who would have thought that GG and Asa would be friends after hoop-earring gate at the pool party last season? In hopes to get her “impulses” under control, Asa took GG to Tai Chi. What someone should have told Asa is that when one impulse is suppressed, another pops up. Um…GG is one horny mother f-cker! Girlfriend has some serious sex on her mind.

Million-dollar question of the day from GG, “This is all about sex, isn’t it?”

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Only if you’re a catholic schoolgirl not wanting to get pregnant it is.

Asa tells us that Tai Chi opens up your chakras…

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And GG’s chakras told her to hump Asa.

Poor GG. Little did she know that her pent up sexual energy wouldn’t get satisfied anytime soon. Hopefully, with all of this Tai Chi she can control her urge “to cut MJ’s fat tits off and bitch slap her with them.” Her words, not mine. And while we’re on the subject of GG, let’s talk about her and Sean. Our ever so impulsive Persian humper, GG, decided the truth would set her free if she tells Sean about the guy she kissed at Lilly’s party, Shayan.

Well, her little plan backfired to say the least. I lost my sh-t when Sean said, “I want anyone I want to be in a relationship with me to want me to be in a relationship with them…” GG’s response of, “Huh?” was right on. I felt like I was listening to a conversation between Scooby-Doo and Shaggy. What do these two talk about??? How does their relationship work? I feel like they just walk around bonking their heads around, get in fights, make-up by acting on GG’s “impulses,” stare at themselves in the mirror, fight some more, then communicate by staring blankly at each other while grunting like cavemen.

Anyway, just before GG dropped the bomb, Sean did say that part of life is forgiving the other person and yourself. Now if someone were to say that to me, I’d think I was in good hands. How could Sean NOT know GG’s news she was going to tell him? It’s been the on-going fight (or at least the one we see)! Well, after a fireball shot, some wine, and a slur -- GG finally told Sean.

Annnd he asked to see her phone. That’s when GG told him if he saw it then it would come off wrong. Here’s where GG went wrong -- if she wanted to salvage her relationship with Sean so bad, she should have STOPPED talking to Shayan! I don’t care if she barely texts him back, she should have cut off communication, period. GG even said it herself at gay pride that she likes to have a few boys as backup. Which proves she’s not ready to settle down. So the truth sure set her free…and her relationship. Maybe she should limit her boozing and stick to air humping.

Now let’s talk about he infamous apology between Reza and Sasha. As soon as Sasha sits down he ordered an Earl Grey tea -- so Persian of him. Persians love their tea and Earl Grey is the tea of choice if Persian tea isn’t available. I have to tell you that every time I hear the word “Earl Grey tea” I always think that there should be a porn star named Earl Grey and all he does is tea bag people.

I digress…Listen, some people may say the apology was contrived, but the truth is Reza apologized and it went as well as it could have gone. A lot of my friends talking about the show asked a valid question, “Would Reza have apologized if cameras weren’t on?” Who knows? But fact is that Reza took the proper steps of facing his demons with talking to a therapist and DID apologize.

Sasha asked a very valid question, did Reza think he was flirting with Adam. Reza said no…I’m not in Reza’s head, but I call B.S. on that. Something set him off, and it wasn’t Sasha’s Persian accent. Let’s retrace our steps, Reza comes home, another gay Iranian male is at his house talking to his boyfriend…it doesn’t add up. Moving forward…Reza and Sasha were both born in the same country both have struggled in their own way. Reza felt shame being an Iranian gay male that was half Muslim/half Jewish living in Beverly Hills. While Sasha had to deal with war sirens and being gay in a country that doesn’t let you wear tank tops or shorts. Having visited Iran, I can vouch as a female I wasn’t able to leave the house without my head covered. I was there in the thick of summer wearing a headscarf and a trench coat…it’s not fun. It makes you appreciate your freedom. I was born in the U.S. and never even realized how I took my freedom for granted until having such an experience. And that’s something so little, imagine what Sasha went through…

I’m happy that Reza apologized and Sasha accepted it. Sasha went as far as telling Reza that he had balls to apologize…big ones. I wonder if Reza’s balls have a matching mustache? Too far? Let’s see if the two can move on and develop a friendship from here.

Now let’s talk about Mike and his need to get Jessica an obnoxiously expensive wedding ring. I appreciate Mike wanting to get Jessica a really nice ring, but he should get her one because he wants to do it for her…NOT as a representation of himself. Mike thinks it means power, wealth, and it goes beyond the wedding. As he said, because he’s marrying a non-Persian girl, he wants to slap everyone with it as a sign of look what I did. I love Mike, but while he’s at it, he should have added that he wants to pee on her. Geez! She’s not property.

His brother’s had a good point in saying that Mike is marrying an American girl and they don’t care about all those things. Mike, I’ll say this: Forget about the image and remember why you’re getting Jessica a ring in the first place. It’s just a symbol of love, not ego. Listen, I wouldn’t turn down a fat rock, but I wouldn’t want a rock if it meant I had to live in a shoebox apartment eating Ramen noodles.

Mike thinks if Reza had followed through on his promises, he’d be able to afford the ring he wanted. Um, I don’t see Reza driving a fancy car or living in the Taj Mahal. I think they were both not living in reality when they decided to be business partners.

Which brings me to Mike’s friend’s poker party. Highlight of that party…Sammy’s fedora! We haven’t seen that thing pop up all season. I was taking bets as to when we’d see his bald head and we finally did…well, his covered bald head. Sammy, do me a favor, if you’re on next season, please get a new fedora. Tweet me your address, I’ll collect from all of us viewers and buy you a new one.

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I bet whatever is under that fedora has a heartbeat. And because it’s Persian, I’m sure it’s wearing a gold chain and has a hairy back.

Moving on…the fact that Mike’s friends’ chryon read “Big Baller #1 and “Big Baller #2” concerns me. Think that’s on their business card? Who calls themselves that? What also concerns me, is that Baller #2 said he didn’t make money to be with one girl. Don’t know if these are choice friends for Mike. But the kicker of the night was when Baller #2 told Mike that he’s like them…they’re lions. Baller #2’s words of wisdom for the night, “You don’t go work for sheep, eventually we’re going to run into each other and we’re going to eat you.” Thanks, Socrates #2.

Mike says he left a thriving commercial real estate business to go work with Reza. I’m pretty sure last season Mike thought the commercial real estate business wasn’t what it used to be and that’s why he went to go work with Reza. Mike needs to check his macho at the door and not be so concerned about having to “show” his success.

Meanwhile, during the poker match, Reza and Adam had their housewarming party that included the $3,500.00 caviar that Reza bought out of a vending machine with CASH.

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How that vending machine didn’t accept credit cards is beyond me, but for the price of that tin of caviar, he could have bought a nice computer, a used car, gone on a vacation, put money toward the Cartier ring for Adam, bought 504 rubber chickens, adopted a child, and the list goes on…

Anyway, after Reza’s guests kept taking $100 bites of caviar, the subject of Mike came up at dinner. MJ encouraged Reza to call Mike, and he admitted that he’s in a dark place with Mike. He said that all the people in his life that got in the way of his friendship with MJ are not in his life right now. He said Mike is not around, Lilly is not around, and GG is not around. He’s all about reassessing his life right now…

I don’t know what to think about this whole Mike and Reza thing except for doing business with friends is tough. I don’t know what Reza promised Mike, or what Mike’s expectations are. There are two sides to every story and then there’s the truth. From a work standpoint, I wonder if MJ feels validated over this Mike debacle?

The Persian Empire has been divided, and there is still a tin full of caviar leftover. Until next week…

Comments? Tweet me @nadinerajabi

Nadine Rajabi is a television producer, writer, and stand-up comedian from Los Angeles. Most importantly she's Bravo’s in-house Persian.

Recap: Reza Pops The Big One

Ep 14: Reza shocks everyone with his proposal to Adam.

After the Turkey episodes ended, I was thinking to myself, how the hell are they going to top that? Well…an engagement, I guess.

Besides Reza proposing to Adam on his 40th birthday, there was a lot more going on like: Mike and Reza untying the work knot, MJ having a high school reunion at the fertility clinic, and a bunch of Persians sliding on a piece of plastic. Oh and let’s not forget the rise of Lochnesa.

Let’s first start with Mike and Reza untying the knot. These two guys have gone back and fourth all season. Mike claims Reza hasn’t done anything for him, and Reza claims Mike is lazy. So which is it? I’m sure the truth lies somewhere in the middle. I will say this (and Reza has said this before): no one leaves a thriving business to start a new venture. Last season Mike made it quite clear that the commercial real estate business wasn’t where it was and that he needed to move on to something else. Truth is, Mike had to put in more legwork. Success doesn’t come overnight. However, I’m sure there is some truth to Reza not giving Mike the full attention he needed. But the good news is the two guys have gotten back to what’s really important in life -- friendship. God, I felt like I was watching an awkward break-up with the cliché conclusion of “we’re better off as friends.”

While we’re on the topic of Mike let’s talk about how he told Jessica that they’d get married by the time they’re 40. 40? Really Mike? 40? UM…Can I just say kudos to Jessica for putting Mike in his place and telling him that it doesn’t take five years to buy a ring. She’s right, she’s a good girl, has a good head on her shoulders, comes from a good family, and let’s not forget that she’s CONVERTING religions for Mike. Now, I know Mike wants to “blind the haters,” but he needs to get over himself and just put a ring on it, or he’ll lose Jessica. If you love someone, you can get them a lifesaver ring and it won’t matter. He can “blind the haters” when he makes more money down the line, but he needs to lock Jessica down or someone else will come and scoop her up. Let’s move on to MJ’s eggs. After MJ’s realization at the spa with Vida, she accompanied GG at the fertility doctor. I’m sure MJ didn’t love the surprise high school reunion with the doctor. I’d be mortified, but my embarrassment threshold is slightly lower than our beloved Shahs. I smell babies in Season 4 or 5 of the Shahs. GG said she doesn’t care about a man; she just wants to have babies. With that said, how amazing would it be to see GG and MJ at the sperm bank next season? I can just see GG thumbing through the book of frozen daddies.

Profile:
Donor ID: 3425 (GG: I like his name…he must be good at math)
DOB: 6/15/1990 (GG: Oh! He’s a Gemini! Two Personalities! Lochnesa and I will love him)
Blood Type: A+ (GG: Oh good! He’s a good student)
Occupation: Horse Trainer (GG: Maybe he can hook me up with hair for GG’s extensions?)
Hobbies: Spelunking (GG: Great! He can help me find my butthole.)

I can go on for hours…

Let’s move on to Reza’s birthday turned engagement party. Where do I start first? The Slip ‘n' Slide or Reza’s ode to the Iron Sheik? Reza looks like a cross between the Iron Sheik and the Burger King mascot:

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As for the Slip 'n' Slide. Take note, Persians will only go on a Slip ‘n’ Slide if there is a pot of gold waiting at the end. We’re like the leprechauns of the middle-east…

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Oh and can we just comment on Lochnessa’s bone to pick with MJ? I laughed so hard when she said “a knot,” and MJ responded, “What’s a knot?” I’ve been that drunk where I can’t comprehend simple words. Like the time I couldn’t think of the word “kitten” and called it a “cat puppy.” Yeah, that happened, but that’s a whole other story…

On to Reza’s engagement. I was so shocked he asked Adam to marry him. Reza always talked about being such a playboy and I’m so happy that he’s found a man that he wants to be with and STAY with. Adam seems like the sweetest thing and the yin to Reza’s yang. You could tell how nervous Reza was. He had the most nervous laugh! It was really sweet. I smell a gay Bravo wedding next year!

While all of this was going on, Mike did not seem too happy. I’m not sure how he felt watching it, but hopefully he got the message that he needs to put a ring on it before Jessica converts out of the relationship. I don’t know what will make her leave faster? No ring, or the fact that Mike always gets barged in on while doing the nasty. Personally, I think Mike likes to be barged in on. It’s more opportunity for him to show off his doodool talah.

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Meanwhile, as the gang was having a grand ol’ time at the party, Lilly was flying solo with Coconut, ordering in. I felt bad seeing Lilly by herself while everyone was having fun. It leaves me to wonder what will happen to Lilly next season? She doesn’t get along with MJ. Her and Reza aren’t on the best terms…but she’s on OK terms with the rest of the group. The reunion should be interesting to say the least.

Until next week…

Comments? Tweet me @nadinerajabi

Nadine Rajabi is a television producer, writer, and stand-up comedian from Los Angeles. Most importantly she's Bravo’s in-house Persian.