Cast Blog: #SHAHS

Reza: "I Wish I Had Kept My Mouth Shut"

Reza shares his thoughts on the crazy showdown with Mike at the Diamond Water party.

Happy New Year! We've been gone for so long, and I'm happy to be back communicating with you guys. You just watched an action packed episode, but the moment that stands out most for me that I can't believe I'm sharing with you guys is MJ and her sex tapeS. Yes, big 'S', as in there are many of them. I'll never forget the moment that she shared them with me; it was instantly burned into my hard drive. The most interesting part about it wasn't that I was watching my best friend in a hardcore XXX movie, but the fact that she was referring to it as a work of art. Making mention of every curve and beautiful attribute of her physique. I'm thinking, this bitch is crazy! Doesn't she know that eventually this will end up on the internet? We're not looking at an oil painting here, this is a porno, a very well made amateur porno, but a porno nonetheless. I digress, luckily, I remembered which one of her computers it was on and a disaster was avoided. We laughed a lot that day, but I hope this scare taught her a lesson and that she deleted those movies. What do you think?

From one train wreck to another, we follow Mike into a "meeting" with "Baller 1 and 2." That was a joke, I literally thought 'Crockett and Tubbs' were around the corner waiting to raid the joint (for those of you who don't remember, that's a 'Miami Vice' reference). That didn't look like any real estate office I had ever seen. Where were the files, the papers, or anything else you'd find in a normal office? Why is Mike looking for a get rich quick scheme? I'm not an expert, but that type of business doesn't look appealing to a “real” real estate agent. Was it me, or did it look like Baller 1 had a lot of mousse in his hair, circa 1990?

Watching Jessica cook Shabbat was really heartwarming. She's a great girl and she really loves Mike. She really deserves a ring, better yet, she's earned a ring. I'm really glad that Mike's mom checked him on the: "I want a big ring to blind the haters." If you want a big ring, buy one, but let it be for positive reasons, not for the haters. Can you imagine if Mike didn't have those amazing parents? It scares me to think of where he'd be without them.

Finally we get to the Diamond Water launch party. I have to take a moment and give props to my girl Asa, she actually made it happen. She turned her dream into a reality, and as far as I'm concerned, Diamond Water is already a success, regardless of the number of bottles sold. Unfortunately, that night wasn't just about Diamond Water. There were so many issues in the group that they trickled right into the party, pardon the pun. I was really hesitant to see Mike and I think you could see why. He rolled in as drunk as a wino. His first DEMAND as he entered the room, after he took his bow, was for a vodka and red bull. How ironic, he was ready to charge at me that night. There was clearly no reasoning with him. He was pounding drink after drink and after several “f--- Reza” comments and “let me feed you fatty,” I lost my cool and clowned him on his shoes, bad move on my part. Looking back, I was really disappointed with myself. I wish I had kept my mouth shut all night. We did attempt to have a conversation, but I was more focused on the flaring nostrils and the teeth grinding, than anything else. From that point on, it became about damage control. I had caused enough of a ruckus and wanted to end it. Luckily Jessica came to the rescue and took Mike home. At that point he was going from rage to tears, he wanted to hit me AND cry on my shoulder. I'm thankful that neither happened and that we'd attempt to have a conversation at a later date when Mike was able to articulate a thought.
"I haven't been to Turkey since I had chicken," really??? I know Asa was disappointed with us that night, but she didn't even get the reaction she deserved after inviting us to a family reunion in Turkey. She deserved an apology from me, and I gave her one privately. I'm lucky she accepted after my childish behavior that night.

What did you think of the episode?

See you next week and thank you for watching.

Recap: Dodging Balls and Shade

Ep 7: Will a heart-to-heart over leggings mend Asa and MJ's friendship?

This episode was full of overcoming. Mike overcame the meat sweats, MJ tried to get GG to overcome her love of tattooed boys, while Reza vocalized his intimacy issues with Adam, and Asa and MJ were crunching the munch.

Let’s start with the meat, shall we? Mike and Jessica showed off their new rock to Shervin at an all-you-can-eat Brazilian Steakhouse. What I didn’t know going into this is how much meat two meatheads can eat. It’s amazing what lengths two Persian men will go to not pay a bill.

But the real beef was between Mike and Jessica. When Mike tells Shervin that he wants to reconcile things between him and his friends, Mrs. Shouhed-to-be responded with, “Mend it? No.” Something tells me that Jessica will first sauté Mike, then fillet him if he tries to mend his friendships anytime soon. And if he does, he will be the meat on the skewer he’s eating. It’ll be interesting to see how everything shakes out.

Meanwhile, Reza confided in Asa about his intimacy issues with Adam before confronting him. Apparently this isn’t a turn on:

But he thinks this is:

Good news? Adam agreed to Reza’s prenup terms and it sounds like they’re going to spice up their sex life. Hopefully they’ll meet somewhere in the middle between taking a shower and the oh so subtle, “Suck it.”

While we’re on the subject of love, MJ is determined to get GG dating again. She not only helped set up her Tinder account, but she also went as far as meeting her out one night and calling over two contenders (one tattooed and one not tattooed) as if she was on an episode of The Bachelorette. In true MJ form she was super subtle, grilling the guys with “What’s your sign?” Followed by, “How big are your dicks?” Needless to say, neither guy got a rose.

And speaking of doodools…Asa met with Mr. Doodool Tala himself, Mike, about what went down at Shervin’s party. She asked him point blank if he did it and he denied it. But after all was said and done, Mike said he couldn’t remember if he was even in Golnesa’s room in Turkey. This whole thing is starting to feel like a scene from Dude Where’s my Car, except it’s Dude, Where was my Dool?

GG is about to take a lie detector test next episode and we’ll hopefully find out where Mike’s dool was. Remains to be seen…

Now on to something that involves balls with no dools attached, dodge ball. The MJ and Asa (AKA Crunch and Munch) back and forth has been boiling since the Malibu staycation, and it seems as though it finally got addressed this episode while shopping for dodge ball outfits.

But some physical activity and a heart-to-heart in leggings proved to be the recipe for mending a friendship. However, I’m not sure MJ apologizing has fixed this problem as they both still seem a little skeptical of each other. Can’t we all just get a long in the name of gold?

Before I go, can we give credit where credit is due? Here’s to the lady at World of Leggings! Men, take note: When you’re stuck and can’t find “meggings,” just wear your leggings backwards. Problem solved.

Oh, and as for Goldie, now I know where he got his name…

Comments? Tweet me @nadinerajabi.

Nadine Rajabi is a television producer, writer, and stand-up comedian from Los Angeles. Most importantly she's Bravo’s in-house Persian.