All I can say after this crazy episode is, “WOW.” Too much happened. What started out as a light episode turned into a standoff between Lilly and MJ. Not shocking. These girls have never been able to be in a room and keep it cordial. A lot of you commented that I was taking MJ’s side last week and said I was being impartial. The truth is, I am not biased. Here’s what I should have written and didn’t. MJ should have absolutely RSVP’d like the rest of the group; she shouldn’t receive special treatment. But the truth is, Lilly was rude to MJ, and (though I get why) the reality is she shouldn’t have invited her in the first place. More on that later…
Here’s a quickie about the episode: Pablo and Julio got some action in Tupperware; GG and Lilly became friendlier when we found out GG has been dating Sean; Reza and Adam moved in together; Lilly told us she was ready to start dating; her brother told her she doesn’t have much time left because her eggs are drying up; Asa had Diamond Water problems; we saw the beginning of what might be a rift between Mike and Reza at work; MJ paid Leila a visit during which we found out about her divorce; GG gave MJ s--- about the infamous Evite, and Lilly and MJ had a standoff at GG’s dinner.
Before we get into the drama, let’s talk about something a little less stinky (yes, LESS stinky)… expressing anal glands. MJ called Mikey-poo over for help with poor Pablo and Julio’s anal glands. You see, dogs have to have their anal glands expressed every once in a while. I can’t say I’ve never done it myself because that’s something I pay someone to do. But if it’s an excuse to drink, then why not? I mean, expressing anal glands at home must be less traumatic for dogs, kind of like when pregnant women get a midwife and have their babies at home, except instead of a bathtub, you use Tupperware and take shots of tequila.
But I suppose the only way to express a chihuahua’s anal glands is to take shots of tequila. This must be what the people do in Mexico at a donkey show?! I don’t know what was funnier: the fact that MJ actually asked someone to help her with this task, (and asked if Mike ever sticks his finger in his butt to make sure it’s clean) or seeing Pablo and Julio in plastic Tupperware? Mike made the first attempt at the procedure, and then MJ took over. And I assume the glands were “expressed” when Mike said the dog queefed. Mike, I love you, but I have to give you a little lesson in human anatomy. Pablo and Julio are boys, they can't queef. It’s physically impossible.According to Urban Dictionary, the definition of Queef is:
1: A "vart" or vagina fart.
What Pablo and Julio did is simply fart.
Now on to my next favorite thing: Asa’s Diamond Water. I don’t know why I’m obsessed with it, but I am. And before I talk about this, I have to preface, I’m not a hater at all. I’m amused by it, and obsessed all at the same time.
The last time we saw Diamond Water was last season when Asa chanted and meditated in the middle of a warehouse on a Persian rug. Well, guess what? She’s now in the final stages of development and told us this episode she spent almost half a million dollars alone on just developing the bottle. At this rate, I wonder how much it will cost for consumers to purchase? I was hoping I could pay for it with my positivity and love energy, but something tells me I’m way off!
Onward, Asa entered the giant warehouse, which no longer seemed as sparse. The lady from the warehouse, Jeleesa, told Asa to put on a hair net and to take off her Persian jewels. First rule of dealing with a Persian girl: never ask her to take off her bangles. Making Asa take her gold off is like taking taking candy away from a baby. Sadly, taking off the bangles ended up being the least of Asa’s problems.
I think my favorite line of the scene was when Asa said she’s like Moses in the desert with her Diamond Water. She’s “tirelessly seeking truth, love, and positivity through a desert of non-believers.” Not quite, Asa, but I’ll let you have it.
Next they took her to the assembly line where the bottles were tipping over one by one. Asa looked like Lucy at the candy factory.
Jeleesa, the water girl, told Asa the bottles were tipping because the bottle’s base was too small. The topper was when Asa asked where the cap goes on. Come to find out that’s a different machine. Um, did the facility not think about that? Did they think they’d just fill water bottles up and not cap them? How will they keep the positive energy from evaporating? I hear that could be the first to go.
Later, when Asa went back to the facility, Dan the Man (the head process engineer) told Asa it’ll cost her $450,000 to correct everything. How will she fill her $300,000 in pre-orders if she can’t even pay for the water? Sounds like she has more chanting to do.
Now let’s get to the drama. GG, who’s been on her best behavior this season, had a dinner party for everyone to meet her boyfriend, Sean. Everyone arrived basically at the same time, even MJ. And of course Lilly arrived fashionably late.
All was OK until Lilly brought up her party. You know the two girls were just waiting for someone to open up that can of worms, so they could pounce.
MJ had a great argument, but she shouldn’t have said Reza told her that Lilly would make sure that she wouldn’t not get into the party. The truth is, Lilly didn’t say it in that context. She said that’s what would happen if anyone that’s not on the list showed up. So MJ’s right and so is Lilly. And not to get into minutia, but MJ had a great argument when she said Lilly reached out to others that hadn’t RSVP’d, but didn’t reach out to her. Lilly’s kind of right. Why would she reach out to MJ if they’re not really friends? But at the root of it all is the question—WHY THE HELL DID SHE INVITE MJ in the first place if they’re not friends??? MJ didn’t invite Lilly to her birthday for the same reason. I know Lilly did it as a formality, but if you’re going to invite someone, and they reach out on text, don’t be so cold and say you can’t come. I’m sure there were a few stragglers there that hadn’t RSVP’d. Then, the fight got ugly. The girls starting fighting about what they do for a living. Lilly even went as far as asking MJ how much she made last year. Um, really, Lilly? That is the shallowest thing she could say. But then MJ fired back with Lilly living off a man for a living. It basically became a pissing contest until Lilly told MJ she doesn’t have a lot of friends, and that’s when MJ said Lilly is sitting at a table full of her friends—friends that were hers first. And… see ya later, Lilly.
I just don’t think these girls will ever get along. Say what you will, but it’s almost like the battle between Glinda and Elphaba in Wicked. I know I was Team MJ on this subject matter last week, but I truly feel bad for Lilly. I feel like she’ll never win with MJ.
The episode will continue next week, but s--- just got real. Lesson of the episode: when in doubt if you receive an Evite… just click “Maybe.”
Comments? Tweet me @nadinerajabi
Nadine Rajabi is a television producer, writer, and stand-up comedian from Los Angeles. Most importantly she's Bravo’s in-house Persian.