Andy Cohen's Wild Night With Gaga and Malala

Read an exclusive excerpt from his new book, 'The Andy Cohen Diaries.'

What really goes on at a Housewives reunion? Have any Watch What Happens Live guests gotten out of control? And who is Andy Cohen's favorite sleeping partner these days? (Hint: it has four legs and a tail.) In his new book, The Andy Cohen Diaries: a Deep Look at a Shallow Year (on-sale today!), the late-night host pulls back the curtain on his private life, offering day-by-day entries about his goings-on at work and at play. To celebrate the book's release, the Dish will have exclusive excerpts all week. Today, we're sharing his diary entry from November 11, 2013. Check back throughout the week for more on his follow-up to his New York Times best-selling Most Talkative.

Tonight was the Glamour Women of the Year Awards. I'd hosted last year and my parents came and loved it. So we repeated this year, which coincidentally fell on Dad’s birthday. When we sat down, a debate erupted about whether our seats were crappy or not. We were in the fourth row, by the way. Then Streisand got seated across the aisle, which of course made them the best seats ever. I just wanted to watch Barbra watch the show. She looks great. And weirdly, her ass looks great. Gaga I think was dressed as "the dead." Speaking of which, my dad was wearing a suit I bought him last year that my mom refers to as "the Box Suit" because she is assuming that it will be the suit he will be wearing in his casket, which of course is incredibly upsetting to me, but they seem to think is hilarious. Happy Birthday, Dad!

The awards were very uplifting—sometimes things like this can actually be inspiring. Melinda Gates, Malala, a teacher from Sandy Hook (incredibly upsetting), and Streisand were honored. Hillary Clinton spoke. I talked to Seth Meyers backstage about his show and about Gaga hosting SNL this weekend. Katie Couric was backstage getting pictures with everybody. Oh, and the kids from PS 22 performed—the kids’ choir who I mistakenly gave my real opinion of on Morning Joe and was subsequently lynched by the media. I feel like their goal in life is to terrorize me, and guess what? I’ll say it again. I didn’t think they were great. Sue me. Hang me.

We stopped by the party at the Oak Room and I wanted to tell Gaga that we made perfume out of her pee, and I wound up in a three-way convo with her and Malala. And watching those two try to communicate was to me funnier than anything I bet I'll see her do on SNL, Malala in her drag and Gaga looking like the undead. Malala asked Gaga who made her clothes and then Gaga, in her baby voice, did a ten-minute soliloquy about her little monsters and the youth, which I think was lost on both Malala and me (maybe I am too old?), and I was getting very impatient because I had a live show and really wanted to tell her about the pee-fume before I left. I was waiting and waiting for an opening but finally I just interrupted her and told her. Gaga loved it. And Malala definitely was confused. I took a quick selfie with Gaga (pictured, below) and then ran to the show.

Brandi Glanville and Mark Consuelos were on. Brandi had her tits out, flirting with my father, in front of my mother, who kept tooting her horn from behind the bar. On the after show, Brandi said, in front of my parents and the world, that she heard that Miami Housewife Joanna Krupa’s pussy smells horrible. Mark fell off his chair, my mom blew her horn, my dad was agog, and I couldn’t stop laughing. My poor parents.

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Excerpted from THE ANDY COHEN DIARIES: A Deep Look at a Shallow Year by Andy Cohen, to be published November 11, 2014 by Henry Holt and Company, LLC. Copyright © 2014 by Andy Cohen. All rights reserved.

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