In last night's episode of Atlanta's Next Top Housewife, the shots from Derek Blanks' Alter Ego photo shoot were revealed. A somber NeNe stood to address the group. "Ladies. You take beautiful pictures. But with modeling, you must own your inner-fierceness. You must plant the seeds and saplings of success, so your tree will bear the fiercest fruit. Tonight, we will decide WHO will be Atlanta's Next Top Housewife. Kim. Lisa. Sheree. Kandi. Please, step forward. I have four beautiful women standing before me, but I only care about three photos. The name of the Housewife I do not call must immediately pack her belongings, remove her wig and limp home."
Yeah fine, that's not how it went. But it's what Tyra would have done. Before you cast your vote for favorite look, let's review.
Lisa was a really cute girl scout who did look genuinely upset about all the crushed Do-si-dos. (That's peanut butter sandwich cookies for those of you who don't speak fluent Girl Scout.) Her alter ego was something of a cross between Rihanna and a villain from Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman. Or a mash up of Christian Siriano and Brit a la "Oops I Did It Again." Pick your poison.
Kim played a Stepford Wife and a mistress. It's hard to admire a picture when it's subject is rolling around at your feet, moaning and bleeding from every orifice.
Kandi was a convincing booze hound who turned her car into a 3,000 pound weapon. Her drunk driver was fierce, but her victim fell flat. Kandi's "totaled" expression wasn't so much "Oh god, I'm gonna die," but more, "Aw seriously? Railroaded again?" Still, powerful stuff.
Sheree played a thief, so naturally she needed a mohawk. Somewhere is Neverland, Rufio is nodding with approval. Sheree also portrayed the victim in the robbery. To be fair, if you get robbed walking around with your fists full of hundos, you had it coming. Both thief and victim shared a common love of eyeshadow. Janice Dickinson would be all, "Sheree, your eyeshadow is like a the battery that saved a dying vibrator." And J. Alexander would be all, "Bzzzzzzzzz."
Last but not the least bit bashful was NeNe. Her stripper was a hundred "nip slips" stronger than portrayal of a straight-laced onlooker.
So, which wife had the strongest photoshoot?