She's a New York Times best-selling author and self-made businesswoman—but Bethenny Frankel isn't afraid to admit she has failed when it comes to finding true love. In her new book, I Suck at Relationships So You Don't Have To: 10 Rules for Not Screwing Up Your Happily Ever After, the Skinnygirl mogul shares her insights about how to get a relationship right. All week on the Daily Dish, we'll be posting exclusive excerpts. Today, Bethenny opens up about why men need to feel appreciated in a relationship. Read on:
Here's a very important thing that I have learned: You have to really intellectually understand that winning and getting what you want is never as important as knowing the truth of the situation. Ultimately, needs and wants based on something untrue will never be met. Maybe something feels true in the moment, but you know it isn't actually true. You will not die without that other person. You might be very sad for a while, but you won't die. You don't need that person, and you have to recognize this and act on it. If it's hard, then fake it until you make it, but you definitely have to make it.
If a relationship really is right and it works, then it's right and it works. If it's not right and you're trying to force it and you're terrified that you might lose it, you have to face the truth that it's not right and it's okay to lose it. Sometimes I ask myself whether love is really enough. I don't think it is. How do you face the fact that you are in love with somebody and it still might not work out? Should love be enough when you aren't compatible or going in the same direction as someone else? And on the other side, is compatibility enough without passion? Should you be with somebody you can live well and easily with but whom you don't love? How far do you take this? Is the relationship worth fixing?
I just want you to know that whether your relationship lasts or not, it is also true that you will be okay.
I think you take it back to the truth. You might want it desperately, but maybe the person you are in a relationship with right now isn't the right one because the truth is also that the two of you can't make it work. Neither of you can sustain a life trying to be anything other than who you really are. If you are a person who always feels longing, who is basically needier than average, then you may not do well with somebody who is superconfident or very independent, even if you have gotten very good at pretending it doesn't bother you. You may need somebody who can be needy with you. If you are independent and can't stand clinginess, you might have to let go of that needy person, even if you love him, just because you can't keep pretending to be needier than you really are. If your relationship constantly gives you a bad feeling in the pit of your stomach, that may be a sign to move on from it. But you can also ask for what you want in a nondesperate way, and you just might get it. Then again, you might not. If you can't sort it out, that's what therapy is for.
I just want you to know that whether your relationship lasts or not, it is also true that you will be okay. You have to know that, and when you realize this for yourself, your lack of need will radiate as confidence, independence, a woman who has a life. And that's the sexist thing of all. It just might save your relationship in the end.