We left you all to your own devices last week, so obviously this week had to be a doozie. And return with a vengeance we did, bringing the Real Housewives of Orange County and New Jersey along for the ride.
And what a gift from the Magi (or other non-religious figure), it was!
The House of Emerald was faced with a Sophie's Choice. Which ladies do you choose? The blonde and bright (though difficult in their own ways) ladies of the OC? Or the darker-side of the coin: the personality fueled New Jersey ladies.
In the always apt words of Jurassic Park, "life finds a way," and fate had to work its magic so that Calvin and Teresa ended up together.
The House of Nami was paired with the Jersey Girls, while Emerald celebrated Orange County with champagne wishes and demure dreams.
Once upon a time, I wore a fantastic champagne colored dress to a formal, and it was probably the most fantastic gown I’ve ever worn in my entire life. I bought it at the Honeymoon Bungalow in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, so you know it was the pinnacle of style and sophistication. I was a stone cold fox in a Grecian top, and that dress worked, let me tell you. It was a blessed evening of dancing, crushes realized, and looking really, really hot.
But Iman has a point. Real life and photos are a touch different. I looked a bit like Powder in photographs, and, the House of Emerald was foisted with the same harsh reality. Particularly because the color they thought was champagne, was actually some sort of horrific dusty mauve.
And that wasn't the only time things perhaps weren't as one would hope. Perhaps Dominique's steady weeping lulled the designers into some sort of rhythm of ridiculousness that caused the missteps. (Dominique, you know Kelly Cutrone's rules, cry outside) Or maybe the stress of dressing Bravolebrities just broke their spirits. The threat of having a table chucked at your head weighs heavily on a designer's soul.
But what did worked, worked well. Shoulders! So hot right now. Both Eduardo and Cindy really nailed it with these sort of something on one side details. Eduardo'’s dress was really divine, with it's incredible neck protecting fan on the side. Navy used to be a color that sent me into PTSD fits from high school uniforms, but when done right for evening it's very striking. It's like, "oh did you think this was black, it's not black fools, it's fashion." And Dina rocked that dress something fierce. I didn't miss that donated chiffon even a little.
Dina also the most hilarious Housewife on the show this week. She was really bringing the zingers.
Then Cindy's dress was also really incredible. All that pleating! They could sell it at Pleats Please (the Issey Miyake store) as a special edition.
The other highlight for me was watching Jeffrey cut Lynne out of that dress. It was like 127 Hours, if James Franco had been with another person, and not in a life-threatening situation at all. She needed to be free! Free to be you and me! Free to not wear that more modest dress. But Jeffrey shouldn't have scared so easily. Jeffrey, no man that wears that many dresses should back down so quickly. Darling David, it's not easy being green. Choose your chartreuse wisely friend.
About David's dress Version 1.0: A lot of terminology was thrown around. Peter Pan, wings, etc. etc., but no one mentioned the only thing I could think of—Jolly Green Giant. Well actually, Miniature Italian Green. It was frightful. Poor Caroline Manzo looked like she had been out freezing vegetables to package and use for my dinners! It was the biggest Peter Pan fail since this.
But, again, life finds a way. And David soared on the wings of love and Eduardo’s chiffon to a solution. He just covered up that green monster with chiffon! Isaac thought it was super interesting, and so did I. I definitely thought it was plenty great enough to give the lovers in love more time together.
Calvin pulled a Cesar and made two dresses this week. One that was according to Dina, Scores-worthy, which for the uninitiated is a very fine strip club chain in New York City, and the other that was in the same green-on-green collection David thought was happening. Teresa choose stripper in this scenario, and I'm glad she did. Her sassy cape was befitting of her dramatic flair. And of course, that pair got along famously, mostly. I kind of want to make a montage video of them hanging out set to Queen's Best Friend. Get those two some bracelets.
And finally, let's talk about something important: vaginas. There's a running theme of vaginas throughout this season. Vaginas as a time capsule at the museum. Vaginas on David's dresses. Vaginas on David's mind. And now vaginas on Golnessa's dress. It's as though season two was a Georgia O'Keefe painting come to life.
But there's a time and place for yonic imagery, and it seems now was not that time. Golnessa's attempt to cover the, ahem, gaping hole on Gretchen's dress was ill-fated, and it was meet with Nancy Grace-style swift justice. Gretchen deserved better. What would Slade say!
And so it was that GoCi became NoCi, or just Ci. It was bound to happen at some point, but why can't best friends stay together? Why can't Golnessa and Cindy make dresses together forever, while Calvin and Teresa prance hand in hand. Queen blaring in the background. Life rolling onward.
(Aside, if any person can send me a video of Jeff Goldblum's Jurassic Park speech, you'll earn a place in my heart for eternity).