The Island of Lost Handbags

From Lost Boys to lost loves, we hit the highlights of this week's misplaced metaphor-filled episode.

If a train covered in leopard and paisley is heading from New York City to the Hamptons at a speed of 50, while an umbrella-shrouded train is heading toward New York City from upstate NY at 60 miles per hour, at what point will they collide?

Well since I didn't take the SAT (Southerners love the ACT), I only learned the answer in this week's episode. The solution: about they time they hit the Hoboken train station.

This week's Lost and Found-themed episode was a doozie. Lost and found in public transit conjures up such a ridiculous treasure trove of finds. I was thinking of items similar to the ones depicted in this NYC subway ad.

So I was really looking forward to designs that incorporated dentures, and snakes, and canes, and leftover sammies and such.

Instead the designers managed to lay their hands on what was practically a recently restocked T.J.Maxx's worth of goods. People leave the strangest things in the New Jersey train station! I'm thinking these items were from whole lost suitcases, as opposed to travelers that just casually left a pair of leather pants in the seat next to them while they were reading the paper and waiting on the 5:40 to Secaucus. But the materials never matter as much as the message, and this week's message was lost in translation. Lost at Sea. Land of the Lost. Lost Boys! Really, really, not good.

Iman was displeased for real. She refused to even use the word winner. As though saying winner was like speaking the name that shalln't be named in Harry Potter.

The outfits sort of looked like the designers went from forgetful travelers to Hoarders in no time. Clutching tightly to any hat, scarf, handbag or other piece of ephemera they could get their grubby paws on.

"Here take this hat to protect you from the cruel North Hampton sun and the dangerous wildlife."

"Shield your body from the rhinos with this peplum vest."

It did seem a bit like the House of Emerald really thought the Hamptons were a lot more similar to the plains of Africa than White Plains, New York. Cesar says she often goes to the Hamptons in this clip, but I'm not sure where he's staying. Perhaps in a tent with Meryl Streep and that's why he got confused, because this was some Out of Africa business.

However, Dominique really nailed it with her reverse-maneuver, inside-out trench and then, of course the umbrella dress. Dominique pulled her best Rihanna, while everyone else was desperately trying to cover all manner of sins with lost handbags.

Aside: next time you're in a car. I challenge you to play an instrumental version of the song as you cruise around. It makes everything happening on the street look so much more quaint and Rockwellian. Pedestrians appears instantly precious.

Calvin was not in his Fred Astaire happy place though, and claimed he was a little miffed that Dominique keeps doing the same dress. Calvin sort of has a point, but even though she's always doing a shift dress with a kicky coat, it's always a different feeling shift dress with a kicky coat. It's like saying, "Picasso, you used canvas again, I'm tired of you." Maybe I'm just saying this because I love a shift dress and a kicky coat (one of my secret reasons for moving to NYC was so I could copious coats without shame), but Dominique has consistently done more than I thought she could have.

Cesar is slowly turning into his tyrannt namesake. Not only is he ruling Cindy with an iron fist, he kept talking about how making swimsuits was like taking a dump. I have to say, while there is no item of clothing that I think should be referred to as "dump-similar" or "dump-esque," swimsuits might be actually the grossest. It conjures imagery of pools and floaters, and all sorts just awful, awful things. Shield your imagaination's eyes, I say.

But at the end of the day, his swimsuits managed to flounder to safety, and it was David's fully outfitted outfit that was left unclaimed. As he expounded on pecans, and told Dominique to give him a call post-show, we wondered what could have been. If he had fully realized such previous grievances as his Peter Pan dress and MJ's Grandmother's jumpsuit had been as realized as David's own duds. Was it the chains of love that held him back? We'll never know.

But I hope that we do know what shakes out with those two. Are they still together, sewing adorable outfits and playing the harmonica? Baking pecans into a pie filled with love? Wearing the plaid jumpsuit and forcing themselves to make clothes worthy of Iman.

A girl can dream, can't she?

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Red Red Whine

We celebrate our Ultimate Collection winner, and bemoan a missed opportunity with Mary J. Blige.

Let's start with the most important issue we need to address in this here blog: The oddly satisfying symmetry of our finale guest judge.

And I'm not talking about you Glenda Bailey (though I love me some Glenda Bailey, call me gurl). I mean Mary J. "Real Love" Blige.

If you've been watching this season (and reading this here blog), you recall that in the Femme Fatale challenge Tamara Jones channeled her inner-MJB.

How did no one ask her about what she thought about this outfit?


And Tamara was even there helping Calvin! It was just so convenient!

Did Tamara at least get a complimentary gift basket of Carol's Daughter products for her trouble? I'm muy curiouso of what MJB would have thought of the garb, of herself as femme fatale, and most importantly if she would have put it on immediately and "911" with Wyclef Jean while wearing it. Alas, like sand through our fingers, those moments passed us by.

Ok, now we can focus on the task at hand, recapping and relishing in this final episode of the Season 2 of The Fashion Show Ultimate Collection (sorry I'm inspired by Eric Ripert's always identified vlogs and wanted to make sure you knew what you were reading).

I had the opportunity to chat with our final three for The Dish this week and was just taken with how really impressed I am with this bunch. Firstly because they are a precious little triad:


(Not pictured Jeffrey's amazing cupid printed pants and leopard scarf. You didn't think he was dressed that calmly did you?)

Secondly because these three each have vastly different perspectives. From unisex space-invader, to geisha/homeless Manhattan youth, to all-black-everything, the runway was graced with three super special shows.

Let's discus. . . .

When in doubt always wear red, says Bill Blass and GB, but me I'm not so sure. I haven't worn red since kindergarten (I adored that Laura Ashley jacket) or a small scarf here and there I'm not much for crimson waves.

But leave it to Jeffrey to change my mind. His collection was flawless. Wings of an angel good. For a man that wears moo-moos, he creates incredible clothes. I don't care that Iman thought some of those furry neckpieces were a little too straight jacket-ish. Send me to Shutter Island and let's call it a day (particularly since it's been 6 degrees in NYC this week). And his dress dedicated to his mother was officially the sort of thing that brings tears to my eyes. God bless the woman that made our Little Richard Robot Jeffrey. He's going big big places that one.

As for Calvin, he did prove that behind all that gumption is a little bit of true grit. I adored his fabric selections, and even though Iman was iffy on the suit, I thought it was a touch of excitement amongst a collection that was beautiful, but not so daring for me. Now that hell has here go came, don't we all think that maybe Calvin wasn't so bad after all? Or is it just that my heart is growing Grinch style for nostalgia's sake?

But I want to take a moment to talk about Dominique. Our brave little toaster might not have won. And her outfits might have been designed for only the most slevete amongst us, I adored them all. From the fabric-pooping skirt, to the jackets (she's always with the jackets). I feel this gal can go far. Tie your little geisha sash and go forth my dear! I don't think this is the last we'll have seen of her.

And that's it! We're out. It's been amazing season, thanks for watching with us, and we'll see you all over the galaxy!

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