6 Irrefutable Reasons Why Applebee’s $1 Long Island Iced Teas Are EXACTLY What You Need to Survive the Holidays

Not trying to start a controversy or anything but…

Whelp, it’s finally December and you know what that means: Applebee’s $1 Long Island Iced Tea deal has officially hit their menu. (If you weren’t already aware, the troubled chain is offering the highly alcoholic cocktail for one buck all month long.) The promotion — which piggybacks on their October $1 margarita deal — has received quite a bit of criticism.

BUT NOT FROM US.

We honestly and truly believe this is one of the best holiday campaigns of all time, on par with those Hershey’s Kisses that play “We Wish You a Merry Christmas.” And we’re not saying this in a snarky blogger kind of way, but in a very legitimate we-can’t-wait-to-get-L.I.T. kind of way. Here’s why:

1.  You’re already going to Applebee’s.

If you’re an average American heading home for the holidays, it is close to a 100 percent guarantee that you’re going to a mid-sized town with an Applebee’s. Remember back in high school, how you used to go there on weekend nights? You’d order broccoli-cheddar soup, maybe test out your new fake ID (Janie Stumpem, 28, Sioux Falls)? With the holidays comes nostalgia, and as such, you will definitely go to your home-turf Applebee’s “ironically” (but secretly in complete earnest).

2.  You’re going to order a drink at Applebee’s.

Unless you are sober or a designated driver, there’s no way you’re not ordering a drink at Applebee’s. Hell-oo-ooo, have you seen their drinks menu? Their cocktails come in stately goblets and Lisa Frank colors that basically scream, “LET’S HAVE FUN, TEAM!” Did you know that you can add alcohol to their kiwi lemonade? (If not, you are living life poorly.)

3.  You’re going to get well alcohol.

Sure, your Applebee’s may be sporting a flashy bottle of Johnny Walker Blue on their top shelf, but look closer and you’ll see it’s wearing a coat of cobwebs. Have you ever, in your life, seen a person strut into Your Neighborhood Grill & Bar and order a Johnny Walker neat? NO, because you’re at Applebee’s, dammit, and you’ve gotta save those dollars for Cheeseburger Egg Rolls!

4.  So you might as well get ALL the well alcohol.

Okay, so here’s where we get to the Long Island Iced Tea. You’re already at Applebee’s, ordering a drink, made with well alcohol. No matter what you order at this point, the taste isn’t going to be great, right? So you might as well do what Churchill would do and order a Long Island Iced Tea. It’s the most booze for your literal buck… like a Molotov cocktail for your liver!

5.  The marketing is air tight.

According to Patrick Kirk, VP of Beverage Innovation at Applebee’s (is it too late to get that degree?), “The Dollar L.I.T. is kind to your pocketbook and a great drink to share with old friends and new ones this holiday season." Although it sounds like a ‘Bees marketer really phoned that in, they’re not incorrect. The Dollar L.I.T. is kind to your pocketbook. (An average Long Island Iced Tea will set you back $9.) And it is a great drink to share with old friends (because you and all your high school friends are pathetically old now), and your new friends (because you are inevitably going to start accosting strangers once you’re wasted).

6.  Dollar L.I.T.s embody the spirit of the holidays.

Vodka, rum, gin, tequila, triple sec, sweet and sour mix, and soda… wow. Such diversity. Such different backgrounds. But instead of letting their differences divide them, they have come together — to mingle, to share, and to work together for a greater good (getting you drunk). And is that not the true meaning of the holidays? (Not the getting drunk part, but the coming together part. [Also the drunk part.])

We dare you to contend that Applebee’s $1 L.I.T. promotion is anything short of Santa-approved. In fact, we think this will be the campaign that helps the chain rise again, reviving its days of glory, bringing it back to life — which, by the way, would make a perfect Easter deal. (May we recommend $1 Pisco Sours, Mr. Kirk? [That’s an egg joke.]) Bottoms up!

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