Of all the perennial holiday treats we enjoy throughout the month of December — hot toddies, fruitcake, peppermint-flavored everything — eggnog might be the most high profile. It is also, undoubtedly, the most controversial. It’s a “love it or hate it” kind of thing, and it brings out some very strong opinions. Made of milk, cream, sugar, whipped eggs, and spices like nutmeg, eggnog can be enjoyed as an all-ages beverage or, with the addition of a nice bourbon (or brandy, if you’re weird) as the perfect/worst holiday cocktail.
I sat down over Google Hangouts with my good friend and fellow Bravo contributor, Kristyn Pomranz, to discuss the contentious topic of eggnog. What follows is a lightly edited transcript of our discussion. Read it, drink it in, then choose a side: #TeamEggnog or #TeamNutmegFart.
Matt: Hi, Kristyn! We're here today to discuss the merits of eggnog, the delicious unofficially official beverage of the holidays. First thoughts on the 'nog?
Kristyn: Hi Matt! Eggnog is the worst!
Matt: Wow, the WORST? That feels like an overstatement. What could be bad about eggnog? Eggs? GOOD! Nog? GOOD!
Kristyn: I guess I'm just not entirely sure why I would want to drink something that tastes like a welder wrung out a bunch of French toast with his bare hands?
Matt: I’m not entirely sure how a welder got involved. Everyone knows it's Santa that does the wringing. That's what makes it magical.
Kristyn: Well, Santa's hands are very weathered.
Matt: Weathered by magic.
Kristyn: Weathered by grappling his way up and down chimneys.
Matt: Does Santa grapple? I believe Santa glides with grace down a chimney. And then flies out.
Kristyn: Do you not know I'm Jewish or...?
Matt: I feel like we're getting a bit sidetracked. What is it, specifically you hate about eggnog? The flavor? The texture?
Kristyn: Okay, so the flavor is basically like... a 17-year-old was making their morning coffee and left the half-and-half out of the fridge. Later that evening, he re-discovers the rancid carton on the counter, and then he's like "Oh s***, mom's gonna be pissed! I better pour a bunch of spices into curdling mess so she doesn't realize that it smells like a fart.” But then, in the end, it just smells like nutmeg farts? And then the texture just follows that same scenario. Both frothy and creamy simultaneously. Like, pick a consistency, nutmeg fart!
Matt: First of all, I would like to thank you for that mental image. I will be sure to think of a frothy eggnog fart the next time I go to enjoy a cup of the best, and dare I say ONLY relevant, holiday beverage there is. Secondly, I have to disagree that there is anything rancid or fart-like about an eggnog. Eggnog is (or SHOULD be... maybe you've been drinking it out of a dumpster?) a refreshing concoction that is simultaneously airy and richly indulgent. Its consistency is almost, but not quite, that of a silky batter running off a mixing blade. And honestly, who the f*** doesn't like nutmeg?
Kristyn: Please find me the quote where I said "I don't like nutmeg." I believe I said I do not like nutmeg FARTS. And do you know what else I don't like? DRINKING BATTER. Why would I ever sign up to DRINK a FOOD that hasn't reached its full potential and is probably just ushering Listeria into my gut? I'm sitting here laughing at the thought of someone making a batch of muffins and pouring the batter in the pan and just being like “EH, GOOD ENOUGH?” and then pouring the muffin batter drippings from the pan into their mouth. You people disgust me. Furthermore, watch your trap talking like eggnog is the only relevant holiday beverage as if mulled wine doesn't exist.
Matt: OK first of all, nutmegs can't fart. I just looked it up. So if you have a problem with the nutmeg flavors, it's not fart-related, it's nutmeg-related. I swear, if you were as obsessed with having good taste as you are with FARTS, we wouldn't even be having this discussion! Second of all, I believe there are a lot of people who prefer a nice batter to a finished baked good. Don't pretend like we (people with sophisticated palates) don't exist. That's called ERASURE. Lastly... mulled wine? MULLED. WINE. "Oh, you know what sounds like a good, delicious idea? Let's dump a bunch of leftover spices into a crappy red wine and throw it all in the slow-cooker. Finished!" It doesn't get any lazier than that. Or, frankly, more disgusting. But I guess for someone so obsessed with fart flavors and chunky liquids, I am actually not surprised you've selected MULLED WINE as your holiday beverage of choice.
Kristyn: Here’s what's great about mulled wine: It's WINE that's HOT!
Matt: WINE ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BE HOT!
Kristyn: Did you watch Jeopardy! last night? Because the dude who won hates eggnog. That was literally his personal story. Alex was like, "James, I hear that you got a PhD. Can you tell us what that was in?" And James was like "Yes, Alex, I have a PhD in Hating on Eggnog."
Matt: Were you jealous that you applied for that program and got rejected? For talking about farts too much, probably?
Kristyn: This entire conversation is really making you look a damn fool.
Matt: Ah, but who has the editing power here? I could edit this piece to make it look like you LOVE eggnog, and when people search "Kristyn Pomranz" on the Internet, for the rest of time they will see “WOMAN WHO LOVES EGGNOG MORE THAN SHE LOVES FARTS."
Kristyn: I don’t care. I got married and changed my last name, IDIOT.
Matt: Well what does your husband think of eggnog?
Kristyn: I have not consulted with him, but knowing my husband, he would probably say, "Eggnog is delicious!" because he loves literally everything. [Kristyn texts her husband.] He just wrote back, "I love eggnog!"
Matt: Well, that's two against one, so I think we'll call it a victory for #TeamEggnog. Sorry, loser. But I am glad we had this conversation. It brought us closer... closer to Christmas. And hey, at least we can both agree on one thing, right? Hot buttered rums are actually the worst holiday beverage?
Kristyn: OK, those are actually disgusting.
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