I love how much of a melting pot NY is! It seems like everywhere you turn there's someone from another country or better yet another planet. This week truly proved this point. I knew this week was going to be a challenge, but I had no idea we were going to need a translator and one of those nifty vomit bags you get on airplanes for cookies that resembled what goes out rather than in.
Let's begin with a nice chilled (and I do mean chilled) glass of vodka, Elena the Russian "ice queen," Destin's lucky duck for the week. She was tall, blonde, and plastic, with an accent so thick the KGB had issues understanding her. Did I mention the torpedoes hanging out of her dress? Did you see the replays of my FIANCÉE ogling them over and over again? Yeah, I gave him trouble for that one. She looked like she walked right out of a James Bond movie, no wonder all the boys run away! She chooses tall, model types. So we gave her the perfect guys. Who wouldn't love a go-go dancer with his own bobble head action figure named Geronimo?
Moving right along, now we need something sweet to go with that vodka, but we don't want the calories, so how about we bring in Matt Siegel and his oh so delish diet cookies? I really could write a novel on Matt, and I really thought he could have been helped. His type: Matthew Broderick circa Ferris Bueller or any hot boy under 20 that can quote Woody Allen. Wait, doesn't Woody like young ones too? We needed to show Cookie Boy that he needed to lay off the boys and start dating men. We found cute little Jimmy to test him and perfect Rhett to show Matt his perfect match.
So after the mixer "Boob-zilla" chose "Go-Go Geronimo" and "Lord of the Cookies" chose Rhett. Kudos to both in that at least they had one moment of sanity and listened to us. The dates on the other hand were amazingly awful. Matt did get a point for planning a fun and creative cooking lesson/dinner for Rhett, but then went psycho on Rhett with insults. "Frankly, my dear Matt, but I don't give a damn about your cookies!" Score for Rhett, and I bet if felt great throwing that drink in Matt's face! Next time throw cookies! As for Elena and Geronimo, it seemed to be going great till Geronimo decided it was time to show off those Sex Toy Dave poll dancing lessons and show Elena some moves. First date lap dances are never a good idea. By the way, please place your bids on Ebay as the "Go-Go Geronimo" action figure is up for grabs!
Here's the wrap up. Elena I wish you the best of luck, since your son really needs a great daddy in his life. You need to head south and defrost, hide the twins, and I think your man will come your way. Matt, you really need to seek help as being 50 and dating 20 year olds is going to land you in prison where the boys would love to toss your cookies.