Cast Blog: #MATCHMAKER

Chicken of the Motivational Speaker

Making a Match: Crashing Chilli's Date!

Making a Match: Larry Birkhead & Melyssa Ford

Patti Turns NeNe's Bridesmaids to Brides

A Waste of a Good Mirror

Getting a Nice Guy for Rachel Uchitel

Breaking 'Matchmaker' History

Two Millionaires That Shouldn't Be Single

The Critical Dick Goes Home Alone

A Dorky Doc and a Hopeless Romantic

Carson Kressley, the Millionaire Whisperer

Patti's Vlog: Everyone Gets a Valentine!

Patti's Vlog: Patti's the Love Doctor

Patti's Vlog: Stefan Richter Tried to Date Patti!

A Bashful Beauty and a Not-So-Golden Oldie

A Shallow Old Dog and a Sweet River Rat

What Rosie Wants and a Gay Hugh Hefner

Great Expectations and the Running Man

Courtney Kerr and a Swedish Peacock

Sarcastic Cheban and a 'Man-diego' Bachelor

Sweetheart Swayze and a Virtual Phantom

Patti's Biggest, Most Tempting Mixer Yet

A Red-Hot Night for the Millionaires

Time for Some Spice: The Ginger Mixer!

Gaynor Gets the Girl (So Does Allison!)

Adam Gaynor Wins, Allison Baver Skates By

Patti Says Leave Boss at the Business

Chef K Wins One for the Lesbian Team

Mitch Berger, NFL Peter Pan, Grows Up

Johnny Out Sweets Yigit

Sweet Yigit Gets No Sugar on His Date

Just Robin Being Robin

Bye-Bye Bradley, Hello Kitty

Robin Kassner Gets Serious

The Rules According to Aimee

Matt "The Candy Man" Riviera

Time for Patti to Give Me a Raise

Skeet Shooting is a Bad Date Idea

Let the Man Be the Man on a Date

Irv's Nerve

Patti's Favorite Episode

Chicken of the Motivational Speaker

Episode 7: Bravotv.com's Associate Editor will not let a man touch her feet or hypnotize her for true love.

First of all -- you people love Kelly! Me too. He seem adorable. Patti mentioned in her vlog that she's going to fix him up with a friend of hers, so hopefully that goes well. He deserves it after that horrid strip show.

Now on to this week's foot massage, or the thing that's grossed me out the most in Matchmaker history.

Do: Get into a monogramous relationship, the blow jobs are better.

I'm not sure how the men across the world will react to Patti's belief in better blowies through monogamy, but if Patti says so it's probably true.

Don't: Believe that hypnotism will solve your love life, but dealing with your issues will

Steve G.Jones is a familiar face in the Matchmaker kingdom. You’ve seen him hypnotizing the wayward Millionaires previously. While this has worked wonders to help folks see the errors of their ways, his hypnotism has not resulted in him getting a girlfriend. I think that makes him an upstanding gentleman, since he's not just haphazardly attempting to mentally confuse women into loving him. But, what will help him find a woman?

According to Patti -- it's healing his past wounds. See when Steve divorced his first wife, he also, essentially divorced his children. Patti goes deep and explains that she was the child in a similar situation, and that the emotions tied up in losing his daughter are contributing to his relationship stalemate here. Steve seems game to try to track her down (and according to his blog this week, he has found her), so kudos to Patti for not only making a love match, but matching a family back together this week.

Do: Make up imaginary twins, write your date a poem, and give her a pedicure

Meet Gary. Gary’s a motivational speaker, and here’s what motivates him -- ladies with big boobs that love Jesus. Patti’s got a man of God looking for his very own Jessica Simpso-type. His list of non-negotiables is pretty long and extremely specific (5 year age window, will produce curly blonde haired twins). Patti of course has thoughts about them and asks him to, mayhaps lighten up a bit.

How does this work out? Well once we make it to the mixer, Gary has about a thousand questions for each lady. But the most quandries for Jennifer, the Jessica Simpson Lite who arrives wearing a very Irresistible-era dress. My personal favorite question, “What can you offer me?” How does one even being to answer that question? I can offer you the time of your life Patrick Swayze-style? I have a Netflix account? I’m short so I can reach things that are down low?

Once Jennifer manages to answer the question sufficiently, Gary takes her on what is my vote for most cringe-inducing date of the season (I know it's a close call with Emma's striptease last week). Ladies and gentleman, he takes her to a spa where he does the pampering, right down to running the pedicure so he can massage her ficticiously pregnant feet.

After this catastrophe, he wrote her a weird poem about those imaginary twins. And she loved it! Loved it! I will restrain myself and just say, it takes all kinds people to make the world go around. All kinds of poem-writing people. . .

Next week Patti gets a bit of a break with two nice guys, and no mention of Jessica Simpson in sight. Hoorah!

 

Making a Match: Larry Birkhead & Melyssa Ford

Find out what Patti really thought about sexy Melyssa and shy guy Larry's dates.

This week I got to meet one of the sweetest guys in the world, Larry Birkhead: the boy from Kentucky. There’s just one problem: he hasn’t dated in like a decade. This guy needs practice. I mean, he’s drop dead gorgeous and he can’t do anything. I can send him out into the world and the world of a mixer and a date, but he could botch it. Candace and I will give him some mock dating experience and I will pick his date for him. The first time he’ll meet her will be when they go out for the first time. No chance for him to get nervous, and more importantly, no time for the girl to look him up and see who he is. He can stand on his own two feet and just be himself, not Anna Nicole’s ex.

He can stand on his own two feet and just be himself, not Anna Nicole’s ex.

My other client this week is drop dead gorgeous: Melyssa Ford. She’s the star of Blood Sweat and Heels, she used to be in a bunch of music videos, and she was nicknamed the "Video Vixen". I know it’s hard to turn off the beauty and the booty, so I bring her to doctor Pat Allen. Doctor Pat and I have worked together for years. Doctor Pat told Melyssa that she should be leading with her brain. Melyssa can be sexy no matter what: but can she look for the guy who’s interested in what she has to say, not what she looks like?

So I’m doing something new: I get Candace and David to bring a bunch of good appropriate men and women to the mixer. I just want a handful of guys for Melyssa, and a handful of girls for Larry. I introduce the best ones to Melyssa for her to choose from, and I’ll pick the best girl to set up Larry with on a blind date. Melyssa picks Jay. Jay listened to the conversation, and remembered Melyssa liked bowling and cigars. And he took her on a perfect, fun, get-to-know-you date. Meanwhile, Larry met up with his date at Universal Studios. He had a private tour set up, and he and Michelle met for the first time. They had a blast. She knew who he was, but they got past that and they got to know each other. And he took her for dinner and even got a kiss at the end.

So in the end, I’m so happy that both Larry and Melyssa got to learn something. Larry got to know he can be himself and there’s no need to be shy, and she knows (Melyssa) that there are guys out there who can look past her booty and see the great girl underneath.

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