Cast Blog: #MATCHMAKER

Chicken of the Motivational Speaker

Making a Match: Crashing Chilli's Date!

Making a Match: Larry Birkhead & Melyssa Ford

Patti Turns NeNe's Bridesmaids to Brides

A Waste of a Good Mirror

Getting a Nice Guy for Rachel Uchitel

Breaking 'Matchmaker' History

Two Millionaires That Shouldn't Be Single

The Critical Dick Goes Home Alone

A Dorky Doc and a Hopeless Romantic

Carson Kressley, the Millionaire Whisperer

Patti's Vlog: Everyone Gets a Valentine!

Patti's Vlog: Patti's the Love Doctor

Patti's Vlog: Stefan Richter Tried to Date Patti!

A Bashful Beauty and a Not-So-Golden Oldie

A Shallow Old Dog and a Sweet River Rat

What Rosie Wants and a Gay Hugh Hefner

Great Expectations and the Running Man

Courtney Kerr and a Swedish Peacock

Sarcastic Cheban and a 'Man-diego' Bachelor

Sweetheart Swayze and a Virtual Phantom

Patti's Biggest, Most Tempting Mixer Yet

A Red-Hot Night for the Millionaires

Time for Some Spice: The Ginger Mixer!

Gaynor Gets the Girl (So Does Allison!)

Adam Gaynor Wins, Allison Baver Skates By

Patti Says Leave Boss at the Business

Chef K Wins One for the Lesbian Team

Mitch Berger, NFL Peter Pan, Grows Up

Johnny Out Sweets Yigit

Sweet Yigit Gets No Sugar on His Date

Just Robin Being Robin

Bye-Bye Bradley, Hello Kitty

Robin Kassner Gets Serious

The Rules According to Aimee

Matt "The Candy Man" Riviera

Time for Patti to Give Me a Raise

Skeet Shooting is a Bad Date Idea

Let the Man Be the Man on a Date

Irv's Nerve

Patti's Favorite Episode

Chicken of the Motivational Speaker

Episode 7: Bravotv.com's Associate Editor will not let a man touch her feet or hypnotize her for true love.

First of all -- you people love Kelly! Me too. He seem adorable. Patti mentioned in her vlog that she's going to fix him up with a friend of hers, so hopefully that goes well. He deserves it after that horrid strip show.

Now on to this week's foot massage, or the thing that's grossed me out the most in Matchmaker history.

Do: Get into a monogramous relationship, the blow jobs are better.

I'm not sure how the men across the world will react to Patti's belief in better blowies through monogamy, but if Patti says so it's probably true.

Don't: Believe that hypnotism will solve your love life, but dealing with your issues will

Steve G.Jones is a familiar face in the Matchmaker kingdom. You’ve seen him hypnotizing the wayward Millionaires previously. While this has worked wonders to help folks see the errors of their ways, his hypnotism has not resulted in him getting a girlfriend. I think that makes him an upstanding gentleman, since he's not just haphazardly attempting to mentally confuse women into loving him. But, what will help him find a woman?

According to Patti -- it's healing his past wounds. See when Steve divorced his first wife, he also, essentially divorced his children. Patti goes deep and explains that she was the child in a similar situation, and that the emotions tied up in losing his daughter are contributing to his relationship stalemate here. Steve seems game to try to track her down (and according to his blog this week, he has found her), so kudos to Patti for not only making a love match, but matching a family back together this week.

Do: Make up imaginary twins, write your date a poem, and give her a pedicure

Meet Gary. Gary’s a motivational speaker, and here’s what motivates him -- ladies with big boobs that love Jesus. Patti’s got a man of God looking for his very own Jessica Simpso-type. His list of non-negotiables is pretty long and extremely specific (5 year age window, will produce curly blonde haired twins). Patti of course has thoughts about them and asks him to, mayhaps lighten up a bit.

How does this work out? Well once we make it to the mixer, Gary has about a thousand questions for each lady. But the most quandries for Jennifer, the Jessica Simpson Lite who arrives wearing a very Irresistible-era dress. My personal favorite question, “What can you offer me?” How does one even being to answer that question? I can offer you the time of your life Patrick Swayze-style? I have a Netflix account? I’m short so I can reach things that are down low?

Once Jennifer manages to answer the question sufficiently, Gary takes her on what is my vote for most cringe-inducing date of the season (I know it's a close call with Emma's striptease last week). Ladies and gentleman, he takes her to a spa where he does the pampering, right down to running the pedicure so he can massage her ficticiously pregnant feet.

After this catastrophe, he wrote her a weird poem about those imaginary twins. And she loved it! Loved it! I will restrain myself and just say, it takes all kinds people to make the world go around. All kinds of poem-writing people. . .

Next week Patti gets a bit of a break with two nice guys, and no mention of Jessica Simpson in sight. Hoorah!

 

Patti Turns NeNe's Bridesmaids to Brides

Patti thinks it won’t be long before these two are following their friend Nene Leakes’ lead down the aisle.

Read Patti's full transcript after the jump!

OK, greatest week ever. We have my friend NeNe Leakes out here from Atlanta and she brought me the gift that keeps on giving, great women who are looking to be set up! So I’m doing NeNe a favor this week and we’re throwing her two eligible bridesmaids a mixer to top all mixers. These girls are gonna get hooked up, and if they play their cards right, they might end up with a handsome man on their arm.

So let’s get this started. NeNe introduces me to Dawn Robinson and Diana Gowins. Diana is the mothering type. Not just a little bit, she could out-mother Mother Teresa. I get where she’s coming from, she’s an ex-nurse, she’s got three kids, she’s a nurturer. But she’s got a problem: she over-nurtures and that gives the guys the wrong signal, especially when they start dating. A man doesn’t want his date to be a mother until they have some children together. Until then, she’s his hot wife and Diana’s got to lead with the sexy and bring the mothering to the table later. That one’s easy.

Dawn is a little tougher. She’s tall, gorgeous, but also really intellectually smart, and she knows it. She’s got a high finance job, and she doesn’t need a man telling her anything. Well, there’s the problem because a man needs to at least feel like he’s worth something. So Dawn doesn’t need to play dumb, but she also doesn’t need to intimidate the guy or drive over the guy like a competitive tank commander. Alpha women are tough to change, but I can sometimes get them to put away the alpha from time to time to lure a man in. And if Dawn listens to me and tries not to compete with the guy right out of the gate, she’ll be happy she did because the guys will come to her like bees to honey.

So NeNe and I have our work cut out for us this week and we set up a recruiting so NeNe could help me pick out fine gentlemen for her friends. It was a really good idea. She knows what they like, but she’s also honest and knows what they tend to do, and what men aren’t right for them.

NeNe helped us pick the right men, and I think it was worth it because we had a great mixer. The mixer was a classy affair at The Mark and everybody had a great time. The men were respectful but they also were having fun. NeNe and I kept an eye on things, making sure Diana didn’t try to mother anybody out of the door and that Dawn kept her man eating claws inside.  Both girls did great, and by the end each had chosen a great guy, Dawn had Isaac eating out of the palm of her hand and Diana had Dante right where she wanted him staring right back at her.

And because these two are best friends, we decided to let them have a little back up. They all went out together on a double date. The guys were told to plan the date, and Isaac and Dante did great. They got Louis Van Amstel from Dancing With The Stars to give them salsa dancing lessons and then they also had a romantic rooftop winter wonderland dinner where they actually made it snow. Which in L.A. is kind of amazing.

At the end of the week, I think both girls had a really great time. Time will tell, but I think it won’t be long before these two are following their friend Nene’s lead and dancing down their own aisles. And they’ll just have me and NeNe to thank. Well, you’re welcome girls. 

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