Cast Blog: #MATCHMAKER

Chicken of the Motivational Speaker

Making a Match: Patti Melts and Bravo Reunions

Making a Match: Speidi, Bad Guys & Playboy

Making a Match: The Real Perez and Sexy Sonja

Making a Match: Making Jill (and Ally) Happy

Making a Match: Crashing Chilli's Date!

Making a Match: Larry Birkhead & Melyssa Ford

Patti Turns NeNe's Bridesmaids to Brides

A Waste of a Good Mirror

Getting a Nice Guy for Rachel Uchitel

Breaking 'Matchmaker' History

Two Millionaires That Shouldn't Be Single

The Critical Dick Goes Home Alone

A Dorky Doc and a Hopeless Romantic

Carson Kressley, the Millionaire Whisperer

Patti's Vlog: Everyone Gets a Valentine!

Patti's Vlog: Patti's the Love Doctor

Patti's Vlog: Stefan Richter Tried to Date Patti!

A Bashful Beauty and a Not-So-Golden Oldie

A Shallow Old Dog and a Sweet River Rat

What Rosie Wants and a Gay Hugh Hefner

Great Expectations and the Running Man

Courtney Kerr and a Swedish Peacock

Sarcastic Cheban and a 'Man-diego' Bachelor

Sweetheart Swayze and a Virtual Phantom

Patti's Biggest, Most Tempting Mixer Yet

A Red-Hot Night for the Millionaires

Time for Some Spice: The Ginger Mixer!

Gaynor Gets the Girl (So Does Allison!)

Adam Gaynor Wins, Allison Baver Skates By

Patti Says Leave Boss at the Business

Chef K Wins One for the Lesbian Team

Mitch Berger, NFL Peter Pan, Grows Up

Johnny Out Sweets Yigit

Sweet Yigit Gets No Sugar on His Date

Just Robin Being Robin

Bye-Bye Bradley, Hello Kitty

Robin Kassner Gets Serious

The Rules According to Aimee

Matt "The Candy Man" Riviera

Time for Patti to Give Me a Raise

Chicken of the Motivational Speaker

Episode 7: Bravotv.com's Associate Editor will not let a man touch her feet or hypnotize her for true love.

First of all -- you people love Kelly! Me too. He seem adorable. Patti mentioned in her vlog that she's going to fix him up with a friend of hers, so hopefully that goes well. He deserves it after that horrid strip show.

Now on to this week's foot massage, or the thing that's grossed me out the most in Matchmaker history.

Do: Get into a monogramous relationship, the blow jobs are better.

I'm not sure how the men across the world will react to Patti's belief in better blowies through monogamy, but if Patti says so it's probably true.

Don't: Believe that hypnotism will solve your love life, but dealing with your issues will

Steve G.Jones is a familiar face in the Matchmaker kingdom. You’ve seen him hypnotizing the wayward Millionaires previously. While this has worked wonders to help folks see the errors of their ways, his hypnotism has not resulted in him getting a girlfriend. I think that makes him an upstanding gentleman, since he's not just haphazardly attempting to mentally confuse women into loving him. But, what will help him find a woman?

According to Patti -- it's healing his past wounds. See when Steve divorced his first wife, he also, essentially divorced his children. Patti goes deep and explains that she was the child in a similar situation, and that the emotions tied up in losing his daughter are contributing to his relationship stalemate here. Steve seems game to try to track her down (and according to his blog this week, he has found her), so kudos to Patti for not only making a love match, but matching a family back together this week.

Do: Make up imaginary twins, write your date a poem, and give her a pedicure

Meet Gary. Gary’s a motivational speaker, and here’s what motivates him -- ladies with big boobs that love Jesus. Patti’s got a man of God looking for his very own Jessica Simpso-type. His list of non-negotiables is pretty long and extremely specific (5 year age window, will produce curly blonde haired twins). Patti of course has thoughts about them and asks him to, mayhaps lighten up a bit.

How does this work out? Well once we make it to the mixer, Gary has about a thousand questions for each lady. But the most quandries for Jennifer, the Jessica Simpson Lite who arrives wearing a very Irresistible-era dress. My personal favorite question, “What can you offer me?” How does one even being to answer that question? I can offer you the time of your life Patrick Swayze-style? I have a Netflix account? I’m short so I can reach things that are down low?

Once Jennifer manages to answer the question sufficiently, Gary takes her on what is my vote for most cringe-inducing date of the season (I know it's a close call with Emma's striptease last week). Ladies and gentleman, he takes her to a spa where he does the pampering, right down to running the pedicure so he can massage her ficticiously pregnant feet.

After this catastrophe, he wrote her a weird poem about those imaginary twins. And she loved it! Loved it! I will restrain myself and just say, it takes all kinds people to make the world go around. All kinds of poem-writing people. . .

Next week Patti gets a bit of a break with two nice guys, and no mention of Jessica Simpson in sight. Hoorah!

 

Making a Match: The Real Perez and Sexy Sonja

Patti strips Mario Lavandeira of his Perez Hilton persona and takes Sonja Morgan's love life into her own hands with a secret weapon.

Season 8 of The Millionaire Matchmaker is one of the most dramatic ever. This time around, Patti Stanger is helping plenty of unlikely clients find love, from Larry Birkhead and 'Chili' Thomas to Stephanie Pratt.

Each week, we're asking Patti to weigh in on every episode in her exclusive vlog. She'll tackle the good (crashing Chilli's date), the bad (Sonja's fast-burning match Thomas)—and the hilarious (kicking Jill Zarin out!). This week, she talks about setting up RHONY's own Sonja Morgan, Perez Hilton, and more. Check out the latest episode vlog below and watch past episodes here.

 So this week I’m setting up Perez Hilton. I met Sonja Morgan and she’s from The Real Housewives of New York City. She’s got a high profile divorce from American royalty, aka J.P. Morgan. So Sonja wants a down to earth, really strong guy with money who can travel at a moment’s notice to New York. And Perez wants the ultimate husband. So this is a big deal. And because his reputation is so bad, I gotta find guys who will date him.

 We get down to Sonja’s guys and there’s Thomas and Kent, which end up being the last two guys that I really like. Thomas is super sexy and hot, a little overt, too much wanting to get into her pants. And then there’s Kent who’s so steady, he’s got four kids, he’s really rich, and more importantly, he’s kind of a slow burn -- whereas Thomas is a fast burn. 

 Now, we grab David and we go through the guys for Perez. It’s a blind date. So Perez and his date meet for the first time. I knew this was going to happen, everybody in the gay community, it’s such a small town, and everyong knows eachother. I was like aw, sh--. But, the good thing about it, Perez had a I really good time. I think that after Greg accepted Perez and didn’t make him feel bad about his past, and Perez realized that Greg was a really nice guy, they became friends. It wasn’t a love match, but his confidence soared. I think this was a real learning lesson.

Perez wants the ultimate husband. So this is a big deal. And because his reputation is so bad, I gotta find guys who will date him.

 Sonja chooses Thomas at the mixer and I was kinda bummed because I knew that Thomas was all sex and all talk no action. I had something else up my sleeve. Just to protect myself. So the secret weapon I had was Rocco Dispirito. Rocco Dispirito is a good friend of mine. He just had a new cookbook out and I thought, ‘What a great way to get to know someone if you cook with them!’ So me and Rocco were on a date, and Sonja and Thomas were on a date. And before I knew it, they were flirting and touching and kissing, and I was like, ‘Oh sh--, oh sh--.’ I decided to pull a switch.

 So I pull Kent in and Sonja’s in shock because she didn’t know she was getting two dates and not just one. And of course, Sonja being the flirt and Sagittarius that she is, she just rose to the occasion. Before long, they’re on a date and Thomas is out. It was romance dujour!