Cast Blog: #MATCHMAKER

Chicken of the Motivational Speaker

Making a Match: Crashing Chilli's Date!

Making a Match: Larry Birkhead & Melyssa Ford

Patti Turns NeNe's Bridesmaids to Brides

A Waste of a Good Mirror

Getting a Nice Guy for Rachel Uchitel

Breaking 'Matchmaker' History

Two Millionaires That Shouldn't Be Single

The Critical Dick Goes Home Alone

A Dorky Doc and a Hopeless Romantic

Carson Kressley, the Millionaire Whisperer

Patti's Vlog: Everyone Gets a Valentine!

Patti's Vlog: Patti's the Love Doctor

Patti's Vlog: Stefan Richter Tried to Date Patti!

A Bashful Beauty and a Not-So-Golden Oldie

A Shallow Old Dog and a Sweet River Rat

What Rosie Wants and a Gay Hugh Hefner

Great Expectations and the Running Man

Courtney Kerr and a Swedish Peacock

Sarcastic Cheban and a 'Man-diego' Bachelor

Sweetheart Swayze and a Virtual Phantom

Patti's Biggest, Most Tempting Mixer Yet

A Red-Hot Night for the Millionaires

Time for Some Spice: The Ginger Mixer!

Gaynor Gets the Girl (So Does Allison!)

Adam Gaynor Wins, Allison Baver Skates By

Patti Says Leave Boss at the Business

Chef K Wins One for the Lesbian Team

Mitch Berger, NFL Peter Pan, Grows Up

Johnny Out Sweets Yigit

Sweet Yigit Gets No Sugar on His Date

Just Robin Being Robin

Bye-Bye Bradley, Hello Kitty

Robin Kassner Gets Serious

The Rules According to Aimee

Matt "The Candy Man" Riviera

Time for Patti to Give Me a Raise

Skeet Shooting is a Bad Date Idea

Let the Man Be the Man on a Date

Irv's Nerve

Patti's Favorite Episode

Chicken of the Motivational Speaker

Episode 7: Bravotv.com's Associate Editor will not let a man touch her feet or hypnotize her for true love.

First of all -- you people love Kelly! Me too. He seem adorable. Patti mentioned in her vlog that she's going to fix him up with a friend of hers, so hopefully that goes well. He deserves it after that horrid strip show.

Now on to this week's foot massage, or the thing that's grossed me out the most in Matchmaker history.

Do: Get into a monogramous relationship, the blow jobs are better.

I'm not sure how the men across the world will react to Patti's belief in better blowies through monogamy, but if Patti says so it's probably true.

Don't: Believe that hypnotism will solve your love life, but dealing with your issues will

Steve G.Jones is a familiar face in the Matchmaker kingdom. You’ve seen him hypnotizing the wayward Millionaires previously. While this has worked wonders to help folks see the errors of their ways, his hypnotism has not resulted in him getting a girlfriend. I think that makes him an upstanding gentleman, since he's not just haphazardly attempting to mentally confuse women into loving him. But, what will help him find a woman?

According to Patti -- it's healing his past wounds. See when Steve divorced his first wife, he also, essentially divorced his children. Patti goes deep and explains that she was the child in a similar situation, and that the emotions tied up in losing his daughter are contributing to his relationship stalemate here. Steve seems game to try to track her down (and according to his blog this week, he has found her), so kudos to Patti for not only making a love match, but matching a family back together this week.

Do: Make up imaginary twins, write your date a poem, and give her a pedicure

Meet Gary. Gary’s a motivational speaker, and here’s what motivates him -- ladies with big boobs that love Jesus. Patti’s got a man of God looking for his very own Jessica Simpso-type. His list of non-negotiables is pretty long and extremely specific (5 year age window, will produce curly blonde haired twins). Patti of course has thoughts about them and asks him to, mayhaps lighten up a bit.

How does this work out? Well once we make it to the mixer, Gary has about a thousand questions for each lady. But the most quandries for Jennifer, the Jessica Simpson Lite who arrives wearing a very Irresistible-era dress. My personal favorite question, “What can you offer me?” How does one even being to answer that question? I can offer you the time of your life Patrick Swayze-style? I have a Netflix account? I’m short so I can reach things that are down low?

Once Jennifer manages to answer the question sufficiently, Gary takes her on what is my vote for most cringe-inducing date of the season (I know it's a close call with Emma's striptease last week). Ladies and gentleman, he takes her to a spa where he does the pampering, right down to running the pedicure so he can massage her ficticiously pregnant feet.

After this catastrophe, he wrote her a weird poem about those imaginary twins. And she loved it! Loved it! I will restrain myself and just say, it takes all kinds people to make the world go around. All kinds of poem-writing people. . .

Next week Patti gets a bit of a break with two nice guys, and no mention of Jessica Simpson in sight. Hoorah!

 

A Waste of a Good Mirror

Patti hopes they master cloning so Justin can date himself, but she's ecstatic Michael let his inner nerd hang out.

Read Patti's full transcript after the jump!

OK. This was a week and a half!

My first client was great. Michael Sartain, an estate manager who lives in Vegas. He’s good looking, rich, polite. What’s wrong with him? Well I meet him and I realize, there really isn’t anything wrong with him. He’s stuck in Vegas, all he does is work. But it’s just not the kind of town where you’re basically going to meet a really nice girl. He goes out  to clubs, he meets club girls. He goes out to casinos, same thing same thing over and over again. This is the kind of guy who’s as comfortable walking down the strip as burying his nose in a science book. He’s really smart.  And nerdy things but he doesn’t think girls want to hear about that. He’s super super sexy science cute. That’s where I come in.

 

I tell him that the first rule to having a relationship is being yourself. And if you’re a guy who loves physics and astronomy, well you better not date a girl who wants to go out dancing every night. That’s just, stupid! You don’t have to be twins but you have to respect eachother. I told Michael that it was ok to let the inner nerd come out a little bit. And find out if that was acceptable to a girl. And he would have no problem!


On the other side of things, though, I’ve had one of my most annoying clients ever. Justin Ross Lee. J-R-L. The guy that makes narcissism look like a super power. He’s one of those guys that is just so in love with himself. Why don’t they finally master cloning and give him what he wants -- another him. Here’s the thing, with this guy he’s all bullsh--. I know he has money, he’s inherited a bunch form his parents. He’s all into the rich look and being pretentious. And if he doesn’t lose the act, and get real, he will never meet a woman he can be in a relationship with. If he really wants that, he’s so full of shit.

But I can’t say that I’m not going to try. I bring out all the tricks in my book. I ask him to nurture a plant and bring it to the mixer. He brings plastic. I ask him to lose the pretentious douche-wear. Putting on something fun and 70s for a disco mixer! He ignores me, he still wears Piccadilly pants.  I ask him to get real and actually lose his fake attitude, and ask the girls authentic questions, he acts like an asshole! So at some point, there’s not much more I can do to this guy. I can lead the horse to water, but I can't change him if he’s a horses a--.


The 70s disco mixer goes great. We’ve got like 10 disco balls and Michael’s totally into it wearing a huge wig, he’s great. Justin Ross Lee wears a stupid suit and his pocket square -- yuck. He’s getting on my nerves! I try to get him to be himself and he doesn’t f---ing budge. So I’m glad that we picked out a girl with a sense of humor who can take him down a notch. In the end he chooses Ariane and Alex. Two models, shocker, of course. For his mini dates and ends up with Arianne. Good -- shes not gonna put up with his f---ing bullsh--.

On the other side, Michael is letting his nerd hang out. He’s being honest and telling the girls what he loves to do. His science stuff. And you know what? They like him for who he is because he’s being honest about himself and telling them what he’s into. He picks two great girls. Cynthia and Andrea.

Michael takes her to a flight simulator thing where you can pick your own jet fighter and she loves it in the end, they’re shooting each other down like Top Gun and it’s super sexy. But he also brings his romantic side. He has a strong quartet playing for her and then he brings her to a nice romantic dinner where they really talk and get to know each other. And she responds to him. It goes great. That’s what happens when a guy listens to me!

Meanwhile Mr. Pretentious Jacka-- I’m An A--hole With My Pocket Square, gets a big yacht (meaning he has no penis) and he tries to wine and dine young Ariane, who knows he’s full of sh-- the moment he opens his mouth. And just like I suspected- he can’t keep his mouth closed for more than a second before he’s insulting her. He says he looked her up on Google, and she’s not really thirty, and she’s been lying to him. Now I know she’s really 35 -- I have her drivers license. When I screened Arianne, I saw that she was 35 which is on her paperwork -- that’s fine! That’s what I told him I was going to have at the mixer 30 and 35! I don’t really give a shit, because on the paperwork, she fit the bill for him to date. He’s rude to ask and he was a complete dick about it.

So we all know why Justin isn’t leaving my club with a girl on his arm: because Justin is in love with one thing, and that’s not money, that’s not blondes, that’s Justin. And I’m never going to set him up with a girl who’s as ugly as himself -- that’s for sure. The guy’s a waste of a good mirror. 

Read more about: