Chickens and Chauvanism

Making a Match: Patti Melts and Bravo Reunions

Making a Match: Speidi, Bad Guys & Playboy

Making a Match: The Real Perez and Sexy Sonja

Making a Match: Making Jill (and Ally) Happy

Making a Match: Crashing Chilli's Date!

Making a Match: Larry Birkhead & Melyssa Ford

Patti Turns NeNe's Bridesmaids to Brides

A Waste of a Good Mirror

Getting a Nice Guy for Rachel Uchitel

Breaking 'Matchmaker' History

Two Millionaires That Shouldn't Be Single

The Critical Dick Goes Home Alone

A Dorky Doc and a Hopeless Romantic

Carson Kressley, the Millionaire Whisperer

Patti's Vlog: Everyone Gets a Valentine!

Patti's Vlog: Patti's the Love Doctor

Patti's Vlog: Stefan Richter Tried to Date Patti!

A Bashful Beauty and a Not-So-Golden Oldie

A Shallow Old Dog and a Sweet River Rat

What Rosie Wants and a Gay Hugh Hefner

Great Expectations and the Running Man

Courtney Kerr and a Swedish Peacock

Sarcastic Cheban and a 'Man-diego' Bachelor

Sweetheart Swayze and a Virtual Phantom

Patti's Biggest, Most Tempting Mixer Yet

A Red-Hot Night for the Millionaires

Time for Some Spice: The Ginger Mixer!

Gaynor Gets the Girl (So Does Allison!)

Adam Gaynor Wins, Allison Baver Skates By

Patti Says Leave Boss at the Business

Chef K Wins One for the Lesbian Team

Mitch Berger, NFL Peter Pan, Grows Up

Johnny Out Sweets Yigit

Sweet Yigit Gets No Sugar on His Date

Just Robin Being Robin

Bye-Bye Bradley, Hello Kitty

Robin Kassner Gets Serious

The Rules According to Aimee

Matt "The Candy Man" Riviera

Time for Patti to Give Me a Raise

Chickens and Chauvanism

Episode 2:'s Associate Editor ponders mini chickens, ice saunas, and female entourages.

Episode 2 starts with so many big changes! There is love for everyone! Sex Toy Dave got married! He found someone to poll dance with for the rest of their lives. From Serbia! Destin got a new haircut. Already things are so hopeful and exciting, my Grinch heart is feeling full. And we know that everyone's favorite 90210 gal is showing up soon makes me even more excited. So let's dive right in to our lesson's learned.

Important Bulletin: "In 2011 a woman can be domesticated, still have a job, and still come home and give you a BJ at the end of the day." -- Patti Stanger.

Just FYI America. No excuses.

Do: Let your tiny chickens roam free, yet still maintain compsure.

OK, so maybe this isn't a dating Do per say, but Tori's command of Coco Chanel, the miniature chicken with a penchant for scones, or lack of concern, is a great example of modern womanhood. She raises those precious nugget children of hers (I've been a Liam fan since Day 1, that tot's got style), is adorable on her Oxygen shows, has made books/websites/etc. with amazing Tori-based puns ( people? C'mon that's gold), and is still happily betrothed. Let's all learn something from Donna Martin, people. We can have it all.

Do: Change your hair color for a man, but don't count on the results

When annelise arrived it seemed like she was a clear bet for David. She was whip smart, able to balance a baby and a paintbrush at once, and she had a cute face. One issue: she had a hair color unrecognized by Clairol. Et voila. She arrives at the mixer in full brunette territory (and looking a bit like patti to be honest). However, David picked Stephanie (who had hair almost exactly a's original shade). Whatever girl! Work that look or wait 20-30 washes and then try to date again. Your call.

Don't: Have sex without condoms monogamy!

If there was going to be a Patti pull string doll the quote above would easily be the second or third refrain (behind "Penis does the picking" and "No gingers"). It's on of the major tenants of her entire operation. It's practically emblazoned on the hot pink headquarters walls.

Unfortunately, after the intimate dinner, many of the ladies did not know how to complete the sentence. For shame. Even more for shame that one of those gals seemed to only obey the first part. Foreshadowing!

Do be cool with a gaggle of hot ladies crashing your date

So let's talk about Brian. Brian is in the trading card business. But unlike the only trading cards I ever collected (The Lion King what, what), these cards feature scantily clad females. Brian wanted a Jennifer Aniston-type, and Patti delivered with Deborah (she actually reminded me of Genevieve Gorder, which is still good just fact). But Brian was a touch out of practice, hence why he thought it might make him look good to be approached by a veritable herd of his coworkers (seriously I lost count of the hotties). Sure it could have been a "coincidence", but no matter the reason Deborah played it like a champ. She didn't even bat an eye. "Oh you said hot chicks? I don't even care I'm just here noshing on this hot app, unbothered. Continue being hot, whatevs." To her, I (and Brian) bestow to her The Roll With It award.

Do be cool, not hot, not ice sauna frigid

Stephanie on the other hand was not rolling with it when it came to ice saunas. After David imported her to Canada he treated her not with ketchup chips or maple syrup but a gussied up meat locker that promised sexual endorphins. Stephanie, not being an Eskimo or frozen produce was unamused.

After the doing their best Arnold Schwarzenegger in Batman & Robin impressions, things maybe went a touch too far in the warmth direction. The evening moved from one-handed bra removal in the hot tub to short salad break to night caps in the hotel room. Oof. Someone is not listening to their Patti pull string. Also David never went out with her again. Yikes stripes.

Next week this guy doesn't know what denim is. I can't even! Where have you been man?!