Cast Blog: #MATCHMAKER

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Making a Match: Crashing Chilli's Date!

Making a Match: Larry Birkhead & Melyssa Ford

Patti Turns NeNe's Bridesmaids to Brides

A Waste of a Good Mirror

Getting a Nice Guy for Rachel Uchitel

Breaking 'Matchmaker' History

Two Millionaires That Shouldn't Be Single

The Critical Dick Goes Home Alone

A Dorky Doc and a Hopeless Romantic

Carson Kressley, the Millionaire Whisperer

Patti's Vlog: Everyone Gets a Valentine!

Patti's Vlog: Patti's the Love Doctor

Patti's Vlog: Stefan Richter Tried to Date Patti!

A Bashful Beauty and a Not-So-Golden Oldie

A Shallow Old Dog and a Sweet River Rat

What Rosie Wants and a Gay Hugh Hefner

Great Expectations and the Running Man

Courtney Kerr and a Swedish Peacock

Sarcastic Cheban and a 'Man-diego' Bachelor

Sweetheart Swayze and a Virtual Phantom

Patti's Biggest, Most Tempting Mixer Yet

A Red-Hot Night for the Millionaires

Time for Some Spice: The Ginger Mixer!

Gaynor Gets the Girl (So Does Allison!)

Adam Gaynor Wins, Allison Baver Skates By

Patti Says Leave Boss at the Business

Chef K Wins One for the Lesbian Team

Mitch Berger, NFL Peter Pan, Grows Up

Johnny Out Sweets Yigit

Sweet Yigit Gets No Sugar on His Date

Just Robin Being Robin

Bye-Bye Bradley, Hello Kitty

Robin Kassner Gets Serious

The Rules According to Aimee

Matt "The Candy Man" Riviera

Time for Patti to Give Me a Raise

Skeet Shooting is a Bad Date Idea

Let the Man Be the Man on a Date

Irv's Nerve

Patti's Favorite Episode

Cruz Control

Episode 9: Bravotv.com's Associate Editor ponders the proper way to engage your core and the proper way to order for a lady.

Hello my fellow lovers. Besides the very precious baby toddling around this episode, we had a few other men that perhaps had yet to rise to their full potential. This week Patti took on brothers (for the second time, the Manzos blazed that trail), Abe and Dave -- Christian clothing entrepreneurs. In honor of the boys religious tendencies, my Dos and Don'ts are a little more formal than usual.

Thou Shalt Not: Steal
Not only is Patti dealing with a band of brothers this week – she's dealing with one brother who's spent some time locked among other gentlemen -- in prison. Abe has a bit of a checkered past. . .

 

However, more power to him, he's Shawshanked his way into a new life, and he seems pretty rehabilitated. One wonders how many handsome men she's sent to the big house in her time though. Most people can only say they sent their exes into a pint of Ben & Jerrys.While Abe was stealing things for his ladies affections, Dave was busy having his heart stolen by his former flame. Apparently his ex-wife cheated on him, and this bruised little brother is having a hard time reentering into the dating world.

This is some Legends of the Fall ish right there. Which brother would you choose? David is kind of adorable, but there is a little bit of a charmer in Abe too. Thank g-d Brad Pitt didn't ride up on a horse or I would have never been able to choose. We shall see who Patti manages to find for both.

Thou Shalt: Temper their love of pink
Didn't we all learn a lesson from Robin that pink is best in moderation? Or in your formative years? If someone can draft a line of questioning about what things you have that are pink, you have too many pink things.

As an adult woman with a tasteful pink bedroom (it's really "blush"), you are giving us all a bad name. Why don't you just carry a Bratz backpack and go full tilt with your obsession? Also, unless you got off the plane from Hawaii mere moments ago, please take that flower out of your hair. There is no one here waiting to see you hula dance.Thou Shalt: Not choose a religion to identify with based on your preschool
As if Pinky the Brain wasn't bad enough, Patti was also forced to deal with this young lady, who had some interesting thoughts about the way people identify with religions. Apparently, your faith is determined by where you went to preschool.

I will give Abe some mondo credit though. Patti tried to slip Annah in as a rogue test, but he didn't fall for it. Though, how hard of a test was it? If he had fallen for it, I would have seriously worried about where he went to preschool.

Thou Shalt: Not go on an exercise date, ever
In the end the boys chose Ayla and Tiffany for their dates. And, since they were brothers, they decided a double date -- at the gym was the way to go. . .

Here's an important message about first dates, from me. Granted I don't know much but I do know this: If your date has to change clothes to do the activity you've planned it's a bad idea. Tell her if she's going to be working out or riding horses or having her portrait painted by Chuck Close. It's not that she doesn't want to do any of those things -- she'll just plan accordingly. Maybe if she knew about the date Tiffany wouldn't have taught multiple gym classes that day. And maybe both ladies could have drummed up exercise outfits that didn't look like something Jennifer Grey left on the floor post Flashdance. Just sayin'.

However, the ladies went with it because they are better ladies than I. In fact, Ayla like really went with it, taking she and Dave's flirty "spotting" to a new level at dinner. She even pulled Patti's "feed your date" trick on him. Those cats are in a precious kind of love, grillin' and making guacamole and talking about the future together. A real win for this week!

Abe and Tiffany on the other hand -- less talking about future menu plans. Maybe it was the single flower surrounded by shrubbery and paper Abe brought her, maybe it was the immediate suggestion of hot tub time, but Abe was not as finessed as one would hope. Granted he's a little rusty, but perhaps someone should have refreshed the man that it's best to save the suggestion of jacuzzi to date three, at least. And that's only if it's for physical therapy purposes. Back to the drawing board for this one.

Next week Jenny McCarthy is there to help folks get Singled Out -- or actually the opposite of that. . . Tell me though, what are your feelings on first date exercise? Leave your workout plan in the comments.

A Waste of a Good Mirror

Patti hopes they master cloning so Justin can date himself, but she's ecstatic Michael let his inner nerd hang out.

Read Patti's full transcript after the jump!

OK. This was a week and a half!

My first client was great. Michael Sartain, an estate manager who lives in Vegas. He’s good looking, rich, polite. What’s wrong with him? Well I meet him and I realize, there really isn’t anything wrong with him. He’s stuck in Vegas, all he does is work. But it’s just not the kind of town where you’re basically going to meet a really nice girl. He goes out  to clubs, he meets club girls. He goes out to casinos, same thing same thing over and over again. This is the kind of guy who’s as comfortable walking down the strip as burying his nose in a science book. He’s really smart.  And nerdy things but he doesn’t think girls want to hear about that. He’s super super sexy science cute. That’s where I come in.

 

I tell him that the first rule to having a relationship is being yourself. And if you’re a guy who loves physics and astronomy, well you better not date a girl who wants to go out dancing every night. That’s just, stupid! You don’t have to be twins but you have to respect eachother. I told Michael that it was ok to let the inner nerd come out a little bit. And find out if that was acceptable to a girl. And he would have no problem!


On the other side of things, though, I’ve had one of my most annoying clients ever. Justin Ross Lee. J-R-L. The guy that makes narcissism look like a super power. He’s one of those guys that is just so in love with himself. Why don’t they finally master cloning and give him what he wants -- another him. Here’s the thing, with this guy he’s all bullsh--. I know he has money, he’s inherited a bunch form his parents. He’s all into the rich look and being pretentious. And if he doesn’t lose the act, and get real, he will never meet a woman he can be in a relationship with. If he really wants that, he’s so full of shit.

But I can’t say that I’m not going to try. I bring out all the tricks in my book. I ask him to nurture a plant and bring it to the mixer. He brings plastic. I ask him to lose the pretentious douche-wear. Putting on something fun and 70s for a disco mixer! He ignores me, he still wears Piccadilly pants.  I ask him to get real and actually lose his fake attitude, and ask the girls authentic questions, he acts like an asshole! So at some point, there’s not much more I can do to this guy. I can lead the horse to water, but I can't change him if he’s a horses a--.


The 70s disco mixer goes great. We’ve got like 10 disco balls and Michael’s totally into it wearing a huge wig, he’s great. Justin Ross Lee wears a stupid suit and his pocket square -- yuck. He’s getting on my nerves! I try to get him to be himself and he doesn’t f---ing budge. So I’m glad that we picked out a girl with a sense of humor who can take him down a notch. In the end he chooses Ariane and Alex. Two models, shocker, of course. For his mini dates and ends up with Arianne. Good -- shes not gonna put up with his f---ing bullsh--.

On the other side, Michael is letting his nerd hang out. He’s being honest and telling the girls what he loves to do. His science stuff. And you know what? They like him for who he is because he’s being honest about himself and telling them what he’s into. He picks two great girls. Cynthia and Andrea.

Michael takes her to a flight simulator thing where you can pick your own jet fighter and she loves it in the end, they’re shooting each other down like Top Gun and it’s super sexy. But he also brings his romantic side. He has a strong quartet playing for her and then he brings her to a nice romantic dinner where they really talk and get to know each other. And she responds to him. It goes great. That’s what happens when a guy listens to me!

Meanwhile Mr. Pretentious Jacka-- I’m An A--hole With My Pocket Square, gets a big yacht (meaning he has no penis) and he tries to wine and dine young Ariane, who knows he’s full of sh-- the moment he opens his mouth. And just like I suspected- he can’t keep his mouth closed for more than a second before he’s insulting her. He says he looked her up on Google, and she’s not really thirty, and she’s been lying to him. Now I know she’s really 35 -- I have her drivers license. When I screened Arianne, I saw that she was 35 which is on her paperwork -- that’s fine! That’s what I told him I was going to have at the mixer 30 and 35! I don’t really give a shit, because on the paperwork, she fit the bill for him to date. He’s rude to ask and he was a complete dick about it.

So we all know why Justin isn’t leaving my club with a girl on his arm: because Justin is in love with one thing, and that’s not money, that’s not blondes, that’s Justin. And I’m never going to set him up with a girl who’s as ugly as himself -- that’s for sure. The guy’s a waste of a good mirror. 

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