Cast Blog: #MATCHMAKER

Is There A Man That Can Keep Up With Me?

Making a Match: Crashing Chilli's Date!

Making a Match: Larry Birkhead & Melyssa Ford

Patti Turns NeNe's Bridesmaids to Brides

A Waste of a Good Mirror

Getting a Nice Guy for Rachel Uchitel

Breaking 'Matchmaker' History

Two Millionaires That Shouldn't Be Single

The Critical Dick Goes Home Alone

A Dorky Doc and a Hopeless Romantic

Carson Kressley, the Millionaire Whisperer

Patti's Vlog: Everyone Gets a Valentine!

Patti's Vlog: Patti's the Love Doctor

Patti's Vlog: Stefan Richter Tried to Date Patti!

A Bashful Beauty and a Not-So-Golden Oldie

A Shallow Old Dog and a Sweet River Rat

What Rosie Wants and a Gay Hugh Hefner

Great Expectations and the Running Man

Courtney Kerr and a Swedish Peacock

Sarcastic Cheban and a 'Man-diego' Bachelor

Sweetheart Swayze and a Virtual Phantom

Patti's Biggest, Most Tempting Mixer Yet

A Red-Hot Night for the Millionaires

Time for Some Spice: The Ginger Mixer!

Gaynor Gets the Girl (So Does Allison!)

Adam Gaynor Wins, Allison Baver Skates By

Patti Says Leave Boss at the Business

Chef K Wins One for the Lesbian Team

Mitch Berger, NFL Peter Pan, Grows Up

Johnny Out Sweets Yigit

Sweet Yigit Gets No Sugar on His Date

Just Robin Being Robin

Bye-Bye Bradley, Hello Kitty

Robin Kassner Gets Serious

The Rules According to Aimee

Matt "The Candy Man" Riviera

Time for Patti to Give Me a Raise

Skeet Shooting is a Bad Date Idea

Let the Man Be the Man on a Date

Irv's Nerve

Patti's Favorite Episode

Is There A Man That Can Keep Up With Me?

Episode 6: Bravotv.com's Associate Editor lets the world know she doesn't date before 7 am or after a strip show.

Now that Patti is feeling balanced (thanks to Mary Miller's apparently-Lisa Frank designed booster support pack), let's launch into this week's episode, which features a pair of insane millionaires – a controlling plastic surgeon and a wild child dance instructor. Will they find love together? Or at all? Let’s see.

Do: Make your bed – just let the person out of it first
Oh Frank. You are a tough nut to crack. I'm glad you’re an early riser, but jeez louise. 5 am Bed made? Anti In-N-Out burger? Haven't you heard of morning sex? Relax, also never ever sign off like Seacrest. Even Ryan Seacrest can barely pull that off.

Yeah, Patti's going to have a lot of notes for this guy.

Do: Put the penis away, ladies. Behind dark colors.
I had strong feelings for Emma right for the get go. What can I say, an accent and a stripper pole are usually all it takes to pique my curiosity. So by the time she rattled through her marriage history (Vegas, died in a fire, and the contractor that fixed the fire) and got to the meat of the matter ("Is there a man that can keep up with me? I don't know."), I was dying to hear what Patti had to say (besides, “Dear God, woman fix your hair").

It seems the problem isn't her untamed tresses, or her silky pink tops (though, yes, Patti will fix those), it's her aggression. It's girl time! And Patti's here to shaman you into femininity -– with Ann Taylor clothes.

As the glittery extensions fell away and Emma became the realtor of her nightmares, it was clear she wasn't ready to put the penis or the stripper clothes away. In the history of makeover montages, I've never seen the makee(?) so disinterested. For every new outfit there was a swift British "Neither." I think we're aware of how this is going to turn out. Don't: Have a DUI or wear a trenchcoat –- and by G-d take notes
After Patti calls in a second opinion to tell Frank he's cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs it's time for the two-way mirror meet and greet. This is a device I can really get behind. It's like Patti's on Law and Order. If only I could be the Christopher Meloni to her Mariska Hargitay we could solve all the world’s love crimes together.

And perhaps it was the detective-like two way mirror that led Emma to wear a trenchcoat. It is the perfect outfit for intrigue, but as a topper for a taffeta cupcake of a dress that was not Patti-approved, it was a terrible start. (Note: even Frank shook his head in disapproval). But still fun times with the mirror. Frank took notes. Emma made lots of jokes about motor boating and pot smoking. These people failed on all accounts.

At least that girls off the sauce. In the end Patti set Frank up with Natalie, and Emma with Kelly -- promising.

Don’t: Start a date before 7 AM, especially if it includes mixed martial arts
My thoughts about Frank's date can best be summarized in one word: No.

No wonder after Natalie was forced to box for his entertainment, dinner was awkward. She was exhausted! And at one point he complimented her on "taking direction very well." That's no way to fight your stereotype of being controlling friend. All in all, not exactly the ideal date for me, or anyone with their own personality.

Don't: Start a date with a strip show
Ladies and gentleman I present to you, the latest in Matchmaker's long line of cringe inducing moments. Emma gently surprises her date Kelly, with this:

And then the couple had a nice quiet sushi meal and ran away together. Just kidding! Kelly said he'd probably never see her again, and Emma decided she'd leave the club and just go get married to herself.

Not a great week for Patti (she ended by wondering if Frank was going to be "in the nursing home, alone jacking off"). But guess what? She gets to try again on Sunday. That's right, Sunday at 10/9 C Patti will be back and then be with Andy for a whole hour of Watch What Happens Live Clubhouse antics. You aren't even ready.

A Waste of a Good Mirror

Patti hopes they master cloning so Justin can date himself, but she's ecstatic Michael let his inner nerd hang out.

Read Patti's full transcript after the jump!

OK. This was a week and a half!

My first client was great. Michael Sartain, an estate manager who lives in Vegas. He’s good looking, rich, polite. What’s wrong with him? Well I meet him and I realize, there really isn’t anything wrong with him. He’s stuck in Vegas, all he does is work. But it’s just not the kind of town where you’re basically going to meet a really nice girl. He goes out  to clubs, he meets club girls. He goes out to casinos, same thing same thing over and over again. This is the kind of guy who’s as comfortable walking down the strip as burying his nose in a science book. He’s really smart.  And nerdy things but he doesn’t think girls want to hear about that. He’s super super sexy science cute. That’s where I come in.

 

I tell him that the first rule to having a relationship is being yourself. And if you’re a guy who loves physics and astronomy, well you better not date a girl who wants to go out dancing every night. That’s just, stupid! You don’t have to be twins but you have to respect eachother. I told Michael that it was ok to let the inner nerd come out a little bit. And find out if that was acceptable to a girl. And he would have no problem!


On the other side of things, though, I’ve had one of my most annoying clients ever. Justin Ross Lee. J-R-L. The guy that makes narcissism look like a super power. He’s one of those guys that is just so in love with himself. Why don’t they finally master cloning and give him what he wants -- another him. Here’s the thing, with this guy he’s all bullsh--. I know he has money, he’s inherited a bunch form his parents. He’s all into the rich look and being pretentious. And if he doesn’t lose the act, and get real, he will never meet a woman he can be in a relationship with. If he really wants that, he’s so full of shit.

But I can’t say that I’m not going to try. I bring out all the tricks in my book. I ask him to nurture a plant and bring it to the mixer. He brings plastic. I ask him to lose the pretentious douche-wear. Putting on something fun and 70s for a disco mixer! He ignores me, he still wears Piccadilly pants.  I ask him to get real and actually lose his fake attitude, and ask the girls authentic questions, he acts like an asshole! So at some point, there’s not much more I can do to this guy. I can lead the horse to water, but I can't change him if he’s a horses a--.


The 70s disco mixer goes great. We’ve got like 10 disco balls and Michael’s totally into it wearing a huge wig, he’s great. Justin Ross Lee wears a stupid suit and his pocket square -- yuck. He’s getting on my nerves! I try to get him to be himself and he doesn’t f---ing budge. So I’m glad that we picked out a girl with a sense of humor who can take him down a notch. In the end he chooses Ariane and Alex. Two models, shocker, of course. For his mini dates and ends up with Arianne. Good -- shes not gonna put up with his f---ing bullsh--.

On the other side, Michael is letting his nerd hang out. He’s being honest and telling the girls what he loves to do. His science stuff. And you know what? They like him for who he is because he’s being honest about himself and telling them what he’s into. He picks two great girls. Cynthia and Andrea.

Michael takes her to a flight simulator thing where you can pick your own jet fighter and she loves it in the end, they’re shooting each other down like Top Gun and it’s super sexy. But he also brings his romantic side. He has a strong quartet playing for her and then he brings her to a nice romantic dinner where they really talk and get to know each other. And she responds to him. It goes great. That’s what happens when a guy listens to me!

Meanwhile Mr. Pretentious Jacka-- I’m An A--hole With My Pocket Square, gets a big yacht (meaning he has no penis) and he tries to wine and dine young Ariane, who knows he’s full of sh-- the moment he opens his mouth. And just like I suspected- he can’t keep his mouth closed for more than a second before he’s insulting her. He says he looked her up on Google, and she’s not really thirty, and she’s been lying to him. Now I know she’s really 35 -- I have her drivers license. When I screened Arianne, I saw that she was 35 which is on her paperwork -- that’s fine! That’s what I told him I was going to have at the mixer 30 and 35! I don’t really give a shit, because on the paperwork, she fit the bill for him to date. He’s rude to ask and he was a complete dick about it.

So we all know why Justin isn’t leaving my club with a girl on his arm: because Justin is in love with one thing, and that’s not money, that’s not blondes, that’s Justin. And I’m never going to set him up with a girl who’s as ugly as himself -- that’s for sure. The guy’s a waste of a good mirror. 

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