Cast Blog: #MATCHMAKER

Lions, Tigers, and Gays, Oh My

Making a Match: Crashing Chilli's Date!

Making a Match: Larry Birkhead & Melyssa Ford

Patti Turns NeNe's Bridesmaids to Brides

A Waste of a Good Mirror

Getting a Nice Guy for Rachel Uchitel

Breaking 'Matchmaker' History

Two Millionaires That Shouldn't Be Single

The Critical Dick Goes Home Alone

A Dorky Doc and a Hopeless Romantic

Carson Kressley, the Millionaire Whisperer

Patti's Vlog: Everyone Gets a Valentine!

Patti's Vlog: Patti's the Love Doctor

Patti's Vlog: Stefan Richter Tried to Date Patti!

A Bashful Beauty and a Not-So-Golden Oldie

A Shallow Old Dog and a Sweet River Rat

What Rosie Wants and a Gay Hugh Hefner

Great Expectations and the Running Man

Courtney Kerr and a Swedish Peacock

Sarcastic Cheban and a 'Man-diego' Bachelor

Sweetheart Swayze and a Virtual Phantom

Patti's Biggest, Most Tempting Mixer Yet

A Red-Hot Night for the Millionaires

Time for Some Spice: The Ginger Mixer!

Gaynor Gets the Girl (So Does Allison!)

Adam Gaynor Wins, Allison Baver Skates By

Patti Says Leave Boss at the Business

Chef K Wins One for the Lesbian Team

Mitch Berger, NFL Peter Pan, Grows Up

Johnny Out Sweets Yigit

Sweet Yigit Gets No Sugar on His Date

Just Robin Being Robin

Bye-Bye Bradley, Hello Kitty

Robin Kassner Gets Serious

The Rules According to Aimee

Matt "The Candy Man" Riviera

Time for Patti to Give Me a Raise

Skeet Shooting is a Bad Date Idea

Let the Man Be the Man on a Date

Irv's Nerve

Patti's Favorite Episode

Lions, Tigers, and Gays, Oh My

Episode 5: Bravotv.com's Associate Editor ponders Madison's spirit animal and the proper outfit for paddle-boarding.

This week it was all about the gays on Matchmaker. It was the first ever all gay mixer. People were picking up strays, taking off shirts, and attempting to explain their glitter tattoos left and right. And Madison from Million Dollar Listing is there!

Don’t: Be fooled by pink cars
Eric's gay, Patti -- its not going to work. Though I would enter into a sexless partnership to live in that house and drive that pepto-colored car with him. I thought you had to be a Mary Kay lady to get wheels like that.

Don't: Be a lazy lion
Even someone as ridiculously handsome as Madison, needs to work the angles. I'm not sure why lions are the laziest. Did Patti see The Lion King? Those lions were all very ambitious and organized, or wait, I guess Nala did have to do some of the work to get Simba to commit. Personally when I think lazy I imagine pandas, but I Madison's hair does make it appropriate. Either way he can't just be sitting around on Malibu beaches waiting for the wildebeasts to come ot him or something like that. I'll let Patti explain.

Do: Clear your need for strays with mostly melted candles
Having a hard time moving past shallow people because you don't want to commit? Call in a therapist with some great vibey candles to give you the straight talk. She's no Pat Allen, but this week Dr. Nikki's got some gems of advice among some gilded tchotchkes.

Don't: Be a ginger
Patti’s said it once, and she'll say it again. She doesn't love a ginger. A red/blonde mix still has red in it. Dye it. Also cut your hair. Patti's really not pulling any punches with people's follicles this season, or with people's butter-faces.

Do: Woo people with tales about your dog's face
Unlike the underwear model with a butter face, some of the men in this club know how to pick someone with a good face -- like Chris. Not only did Chris pick up on Eric's adorable face, he can also really get to heart of a dog just by looking at his face. I'm not sure if this was the move away from superficial that Dr. Nikki wanted, but this is exactly how Chris picked his dog.

"I picked the dog based on the face and how she turned her head and she just connected with me right away."

We should probably just do the same thing with people, right? That's why Eric and Chris ended up working out so well.

Do: Wear sunscreen
OK, OK, so maybe this isn't a dating tip, so much as it's a general life piece of advice, but wear sunscreen. Plus then, like Madison and Charlie, you can rub your date down with it. And that worked out for those two so well. Their date was adorable. Charlie's hair was still working it's Patti (and me!) approved look. They had all sorts of things in common. Charlie did an amazing little dance.

Chris and Eric didn't have to wear sunscreen because they had on ten-gallon hats, which also worked out for them. Keep it protected people. That's the secret to a hot date -- non-sundamaged skin.

Next week things get a little wack-a-doo at the club. Grease that poll and stay ready!

A Waste of a Good Mirror

Patti hopes they master cloning so Justin can date himself, but she's ecstatic Michael let his inner nerd hang out.

Read Patti's full transcript after the jump!

OK. This was a week and a half!

My first client was great. Michael Sartain, an estate manager who lives in Vegas. He’s good looking, rich, polite. What’s wrong with him? Well I meet him and I realize, there really isn’t anything wrong with him. He’s stuck in Vegas, all he does is work. But it’s just not the kind of town where you’re basically going to meet a really nice girl. He goes out  to clubs, he meets club girls. He goes out to casinos, same thing same thing over and over again. This is the kind of guy who’s as comfortable walking down the strip as burying his nose in a science book. He’s really smart.  And nerdy things but he doesn’t think girls want to hear about that. He’s super super sexy science cute. That’s where I come in.

 

I tell him that the first rule to having a relationship is being yourself. And if you’re a guy who loves physics and astronomy, well you better not date a girl who wants to go out dancing every night. That’s just, stupid! You don’t have to be twins but you have to respect eachother. I told Michael that it was ok to let the inner nerd come out a little bit. And find out if that was acceptable to a girl. And he would have no problem!


On the other side of things, though, I’ve had one of my most annoying clients ever. Justin Ross Lee. J-R-L. The guy that makes narcissism look like a super power. He’s one of those guys that is just so in love with himself. Why don’t they finally master cloning and give him what he wants -- another him. Here’s the thing, with this guy he’s all bullsh--. I know he has money, he’s inherited a bunch form his parents. He’s all into the rich look and being pretentious. And if he doesn’t lose the act, and get real, he will never meet a woman he can be in a relationship with. If he really wants that, he’s so full of shit.

But I can’t say that I’m not going to try. I bring out all the tricks in my book. I ask him to nurture a plant and bring it to the mixer. He brings plastic. I ask him to lose the pretentious douche-wear. Putting on something fun and 70s for a disco mixer! He ignores me, he still wears Piccadilly pants.  I ask him to get real and actually lose his fake attitude, and ask the girls authentic questions, he acts like an asshole! So at some point, there’s not much more I can do to this guy. I can lead the horse to water, but I can't change him if he’s a horses a--.


The 70s disco mixer goes great. We’ve got like 10 disco balls and Michael’s totally into it wearing a huge wig, he’s great. Justin Ross Lee wears a stupid suit and his pocket square -- yuck. He’s getting on my nerves! I try to get him to be himself and he doesn’t f---ing budge. So I’m glad that we picked out a girl with a sense of humor who can take him down a notch. In the end he chooses Ariane and Alex. Two models, shocker, of course. For his mini dates and ends up with Arianne. Good -- shes not gonna put up with his f---ing bullsh--.

On the other side, Michael is letting his nerd hang out. He’s being honest and telling the girls what he loves to do. His science stuff. And you know what? They like him for who he is because he’s being honest about himself and telling them what he’s into. He picks two great girls. Cynthia and Andrea.

Michael takes her to a flight simulator thing where you can pick your own jet fighter and she loves it in the end, they’re shooting each other down like Top Gun and it’s super sexy. But he also brings his romantic side. He has a strong quartet playing for her and then he brings her to a nice romantic dinner where they really talk and get to know each other. And she responds to him. It goes great. That’s what happens when a guy listens to me!

Meanwhile Mr. Pretentious Jacka-- I’m An A--hole With My Pocket Square, gets a big yacht (meaning he has no penis) and he tries to wine and dine young Ariane, who knows he’s full of sh-- the moment he opens his mouth. And just like I suspected- he can’t keep his mouth closed for more than a second before he’s insulting her. He says he looked her up on Google, and she’s not really thirty, and she’s been lying to him. Now I know she’s really 35 -- I have her drivers license. When I screened Arianne, I saw that she was 35 which is on her paperwork -- that’s fine! That’s what I told him I was going to have at the mixer 30 and 35! I don’t really give a shit, because on the paperwork, she fit the bill for him to date. He’s rude to ask and he was a complete dick about it.

So we all know why Justin isn’t leaving my club with a girl on his arm: because Justin is in love with one thing, and that’s not money, that’s not blondes, that’s Justin. And I’m never going to set him up with a girl who’s as ugly as himself -- that’s for sure. The guy’s a waste of a good mirror. 

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