A Hot Train Wreck

Making a Match: Crashing Chilli's Date!

Making a Match: Larry Birkhead & Melyssa Ford

Patti Turns NeNe's Bridesmaids to Brides

A Waste of a Good Mirror

Getting a Nice Guy for Rachel Uchitel

Breaking 'Matchmaker' History

Two Millionaires That Shouldn't Be Single

The Critical Dick Goes Home Alone

A Dorky Doc and a Hopeless Romantic

Carson Kressley, the Millionaire Whisperer

Patti's Vlog: Everyone Gets a Valentine!

Patti's Vlog: Patti's the Love Doctor

Patti's Vlog: Stefan Richter Tried to Date Patti!

A Bashful Beauty and a Not-So-Golden Oldie

A Shallow Old Dog and a Sweet River Rat

What Rosie Wants and a Gay Hugh Hefner

Great Expectations and the Running Man

Courtney Kerr and a Swedish Peacock

Sarcastic Cheban and a 'Man-diego' Bachelor

Sweetheart Swayze and a Virtual Phantom

Patti's Biggest, Most Tempting Mixer Yet

A Red-Hot Night for the Millionaires

Time for Some Spice: The Ginger Mixer!

Gaynor Gets the Girl (So Does Allison!)

Adam Gaynor Wins, Allison Baver Skates By

Patti Says Leave Boss at the Business

Chef K Wins One for the Lesbian Team

Mitch Berger, NFL Peter Pan, Grows Up

Johnny Out Sweets Yigit

Sweet Yigit Gets No Sugar on His Date

Just Robin Being Robin

Bye-Bye Bradley, Hello Kitty

Robin Kassner Gets Serious

The Rules According to Aimee

Matt "The Candy Man" Riviera

Time for Patti to Give Me a Raise

Skeet Shooting is a Bad Date Idea

Let the Man Be the Man on a Date

Irv's Nerve

Patti's Favorite Episode

A Hot Train Wreck

Patti explains why both dates this week were ultimately success stories, as she sheds light on Daniel's dating situation.

Full transcript after the jump

Now I have two really unusual clients that couldn't be more diverse than before. First is a prince. Prince Max. He is the ultimate German prince that's moved to Denmark and has become European-ized. He lives in New York. He owns a tele-shopping company like on HSN. He needs an entrepreneurial girl with a casual attitude, can still hang with the royals, as well as look like a supermodel. OK, sure I can do that.

Then there's Daniel. Daniel is the ultimate nerd. I don't think he's ever been out of the house. He won the lottery yesterday by winning a million dollars at his company Groupon. Literally has never spent a dollar. Never been in a bar. I don't even think he got laid. I think he had one girlfriend his whole life, and he's 27 years old. So I'm like, "Jesus Christ. What am I going to do with him? He looks like the ultimate nerd next to Prince Max." So I take him to Penguin and I have a makeover done. Fabulous clothes. JT Hat. Funky tie. I made it for the mixer. And then I gotta do something with his hair. It's disgusting. And there's like peach fuzz all over his face. I take him over to my barber shop, which is Bolt, and I had my favorite barber do this whole thing, Mohawk Mac on him to clean him up and make him sexified. Oh my god, by the end of the day when he walked into that mixer I was floored. I didn't even recognize him.

So it's mixer and it's a full-on mixer. And both guys are in it to win it. Max is like I need the most sexy European girl. And in walks Clark. Clark is gorgeous. She's what I want at every mixer. She is almost 6 feet tall. She's a supermodel. She's busy all the time. She's booked. She's entrepreneurial. She speaks other languages. It's a win, win, win. They fall madly in love. There was no contest. I don't have to worry about him. He was done in five seconds. He sold it. He's going to take her to The Royal Wedding.

Now I gotta worry about Daniel. Daniel is a hot train wreck. He wants a party girl. Granted there are nice party girls who are intellectual and fun. There's Holly and there's Tori, but no. He has to pick Bogner, torn-up Sheerena. Where'd she get the name like that I don't know. And I'm thinking to myself, "Don't pick Lindsay Lohan. Don't pick Lindsay Lohan. Don't pick. . ." And he picks her. And I'm like, "Oh my god, what am I going to do?" Because I'm just a matchmaker I can't decide what you take. So he makes a date to go downtown to a gallery walk and have a nice little dinner. And she's so aggressive, asking him questions like, "You know, when's the last time you got laid? How many lovers do you have?" It's so inappropriate. But does he shut it down, which I told him to do. No, no, no to ex talk. No. 

So they end up having a terrible evening. She feels really uncomfortable because now he's talking about his ex, and she's put on her therapist hat and the sex neutralizes, even though she's attracted to him. And there's nowhere to go.

THe comes into the office the next day to explain what happened -- in his red hoodie. He kind of regressed back to Santa Claus land and Mr. Rodgers. And I'm like, wait, what happened to the clothes I bought you. "They're dirty." "So go buy more," I say, you're a millionaire. And he realizes he made a huge mistake.

There's just one thing that saves the day. Called his Ex. Found out information about why they broke up. And now he's thinking about getting back together with the ex. So technically I did make two matches.

A Waste of a Good Mirror

Patti hopes they master cloning so Justin can date himself, but she's ecstatic Michael let his inner nerd hang out.

Read Patti's full transcript after the jump!

OK. This was a week and a half!

My first client was great. Michael Sartain, an estate manager who lives in Vegas. He’s good looking, rich, polite. What’s wrong with him? Well I meet him and I realize, there really isn’t anything wrong with him. He’s stuck in Vegas, all he does is work. But it’s just not the kind of town where you’re basically going to meet a really nice girl. He goes out  to clubs, he meets club girls. He goes out to casinos, same thing same thing over and over again. This is the kind of guy who’s as comfortable walking down the strip as burying his nose in a science book. He’s really smart.  And nerdy things but he doesn’t think girls want to hear about that. He’s super super sexy science cute. That’s where I come in.


I tell him that the first rule to having a relationship is being yourself. And if you’re a guy who loves physics and astronomy, well you better not date a girl who wants to go out dancing every night. That’s just, stupid! You don’t have to be twins but you have to respect eachother. I told Michael that it was ok to let the inner nerd come out a little bit. And find out if that was acceptable to a girl. And he would have no problem!

On the other side of things, though, I’ve had one of my most annoying clients ever. Justin Ross Lee. J-R-L. The guy that makes narcissism look like a super power. He’s one of those guys that is just so in love with himself. Why don’t they finally master cloning and give him what he wants -- another him. Here’s the thing, with this guy he’s all bullsh--. I know he has money, he’s inherited a bunch form his parents. He’s all into the rich look and being pretentious. And if he doesn’t lose the act, and get real, he will never meet a woman he can be in a relationship with. If he really wants that, he’s so full of shit.

But I can’t say that I’m not going to try. I bring out all the tricks in my book. I ask him to nurture a plant and bring it to the mixer. He brings plastic. I ask him to lose the pretentious douche-wear. Putting on something fun and 70s for a disco mixer! He ignores me, he still wears Piccadilly pants.  I ask him to get real and actually lose his fake attitude, and ask the girls authentic questions, he acts like an asshole! So at some point, there’s not much more I can do to this guy. I can lead the horse to water, but I can't change him if he’s a horses a--.

The 70s disco mixer goes great. We’ve got like 10 disco balls and Michael’s totally into it wearing a huge wig, he’s great. Justin Ross Lee wears a stupid suit and his pocket square -- yuck. He’s getting on my nerves! I try to get him to be himself and he doesn’t f---ing budge. So I’m glad that we picked out a girl with a sense of humor who can take him down a notch. In the end he chooses Ariane and Alex. Two models, shocker, of course. For his mini dates and ends up with Arianne. Good -- shes not gonna put up with his f---ing bullsh--.

On the other side, Michael is letting his nerd hang out. He’s being honest and telling the girls what he loves to do. His science stuff. And you know what? They like him for who he is because he’s being honest about himself and telling them what he’s into. He picks two great girls. Cynthia and Andrea.

Michael takes her to a flight simulator thing where you can pick your own jet fighter and she loves it in the end, they’re shooting each other down like Top Gun and it’s super sexy. But he also brings his romantic side. He has a strong quartet playing for her and then he brings her to a nice romantic dinner where they really talk and get to know each other. And she responds to him. It goes great. That’s what happens when a guy listens to me!

Meanwhile Mr. Pretentious Jacka-- I’m An A--hole With My Pocket Square, gets a big yacht (meaning he has no penis) and he tries to wine and dine young Ariane, who knows he’s full of sh-- the moment he opens his mouth. And just like I suspected- he can’t keep his mouth closed for more than a second before he’s insulting her. He says he looked her up on Google, and she’s not really thirty, and she’s been lying to him. Now I know she’s really 35 -- I have her drivers license. When I screened Arianne, I saw that she was 35 which is on her paperwork -- that’s fine! That’s what I told him I was going to have at the mixer 30 and 35! I don’t really give a shit, because on the paperwork, she fit the bill for him to date. He’s rude to ask and he was a complete dick about it.

So we all know why Justin isn’t leaving my club with a girl on his arm: because Justin is in love with one thing, and that’s not money, that’s not blondes, that’s Justin. And I’m never going to set him up with a girl who’s as ugly as himself -- that’s for sure. The guy’s a waste of a good mirror. 

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