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Matt "The Candy Man" Riviera

Time for Patti to Give Me a Raise

Skeet Shooting is a Bad Date Idea

Let the Man Be the Man on a Date

Irv's Nerve

Patti's Favorite Episode

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Patti discusses the differences between this week's bachelors and decides which one was more "David Duchovny" like.

Full transcript after the jumpPatti Rant

So, Week 2, I’ve got Brian and I've got Dave. Dave is the ultimate millionaire. He’s my Vancouver guy. He's the guy whose got nothing but money, self-made, Jewish, good-looking, handsome, I mean, David Duchovny has nothing on this guy. And then I’ve got Brian. Brian is by way of Staten Island, he’s a kid that made a few bucks, became a millionaire overnight, playboy-style. He's the reformed playboy guy. Where Dave is like, old-fashioned, old-school, thinks that a girl can't be an entrepreneur and be barefoot and pregnant at the same time. I got two hardships on my hands this week.

So, I go up to meet Brian at his house. It's Bench Warmers Du Jour, that's his company, these little cards you collect with hottie-pitotties on the front, okay, similar to baseball cards meets Playboy, and he's got the goddesses on the couch and they're checkin' me out to see if I’m worthy of the mission, you know. His mom's in the background, calling all the shots. He's like a typical Jewish guy from New York. And he's like, "Patti, I want a girl like you. I want a strong girl. I want an entrepreneur. I want, I want, I want." I'm like, "ALRIGHT."

Then I meet Dave. Dave does not believe somebody can work and still be a good wife. So, I think to myself, "I"m going to call my girlfriend Tori Spelling. I'm going to hobnob over to her house and show him how she built this empire from scratch, didn't live on the coattails of her parents' money, and still procreates to this day, has two children, one on the way, not to mention chickens and animals floating about as she’s cooking and making scones in the kitchen." He meets her, falls in love with her, and is like, "OK! I see! You can have it both ways!"

Now it's time for my mixer. I decide a small, little dinner party. It's not gonna be a full-on mixer. Three girls for Brian, three girls for Dave. Dave, at the end of the night, picks Stephanie. Now, she is not your traditional girl. A: she didn't have the look of what he wanted, but I knew something was right about their chemistry from the moment they had eye-lock -- they were in it to win it. She was like 5' 10", modelesque, entrepreneur in her own right, wants to be barefoot and pregnant, she wants everything that he wants. They could not take their eyes of each other.

And the Brian picked Debra. Debra is a nice, good-looking, Jewish girl who looks kind of Jennifer Aniston, which is what he wanted, but she's also surfer chick. Both guys go on dates, have a fabulous time. Dave ends up with Stephanie. Even at the end of the mixer, they couldn’t stop touching each other, kissing each other, it was a—mwah—match made in heaven. Brian hits it off with Debra. He can't believe he found a real girl in L.A. who's not jaded by other girls, isn't jealous, which was his biggest problem, that girls would be jealous, and both matches won this week.