Cast Blog: #MATCHMAKER

The Hottest Mess

Making a Match: Crashing Chilli's Date!

Making a Match: Larry Birkhead & Melyssa Ford

Patti Turns NeNe's Bridesmaids to Brides

A Waste of a Good Mirror

Getting a Nice Guy for Rachel Uchitel

Breaking 'Matchmaker' History

Two Millionaires That Shouldn't Be Single

The Critical Dick Goes Home Alone

A Dorky Doc and a Hopeless Romantic

Carson Kressley, the Millionaire Whisperer

Patti's Vlog: Everyone Gets a Valentine!

Patti's Vlog: Patti's the Love Doctor

Patti's Vlog: Stefan Richter Tried to Date Patti!

A Bashful Beauty and a Not-So-Golden Oldie

A Shallow Old Dog and a Sweet River Rat

What Rosie Wants and a Gay Hugh Hefner

Great Expectations and the Running Man

Courtney Kerr and a Swedish Peacock

Sarcastic Cheban and a 'Man-diego' Bachelor

Sweetheart Swayze and a Virtual Phantom

Patti's Biggest, Most Tempting Mixer Yet

A Red-Hot Night for the Millionaires

Time for Some Spice: The Ginger Mixer!

Gaynor Gets the Girl (So Does Allison!)

Adam Gaynor Wins, Allison Baver Skates By

Patti Says Leave Boss at the Business

Chef K Wins One for the Lesbian Team

Mitch Berger, NFL Peter Pan, Grows Up

Johnny Out Sweets Yigit

Sweet Yigit Gets No Sugar on His Date

Just Robin Being Robin

Bye-Bye Bradley, Hello Kitty

Robin Kassner Gets Serious

The Rules According to Aimee

Matt "The Candy Man" Riviera

Time for Patti to Give Me a Raise

Skeet Shooting is a Bad Date Idea

Let the Man Be the Man on a Date

Irv's Nerve

Patti's Favorite Episode

The Hottest Mess

Patti explains the problem with millionairesses, the wounded, and why she won't be signing up for Emma's classes any time soon.

Full transcript after the jump

OK, so this week's going to be a little bit different. So I have a millionairess for the first time back in LA, which I'm not looking forward too, because they're always a hot mess and a pain in the ass.

And certainly Emma walks in, she's a British crazy pants, who is a stripper, burlesque dancer, pole dancer, exercise fiend, and she owns a studio where she teaches people how to do this crap. OK, like I’m going to join. Not.

She's been married three times since the age of fifteen, yes in Britain they do it a little weird. Well she comes to me saying she really needs a man and I'm thinking OK great. I'm going to screen people for you, but this week we're going to do it different. We're going to do a two-way mirror.

On top of that Frank walks in. Frank's from Vegas. He's the top plastic surgeon there. He has a little bit of wound. Somebody rejected him so many years ago -- back in medical school, he was cheated on. Ever since then it's control, control, control. Gets up at 5 am, seven days a week, whether it's rain or shine or vacation time -- and if his date doesn't do that, she's out.

So I'm thinking to myself, whoa these two are a little crazy. A little mental, OK so it's mental week.

Now I’ve got to find guys for her for Emma, which are men. She likes George Clooney types. And I've gotta find girls, little spinnerettes, with a personality that'’s sweet, that has a good job that Frank will like.

I put them in a room now I know for sure Emma's going to go off and like Frank. Frank has no interest. He thinks he's talking to Harry Potter, JK Rowling.

So I do a two-way mirror for Frank and Frank gets the girl of his dreams, which is Natalie who's fantastic. She's the perfect girl. He is beaming from ear to ear.

And Emma is sad, miserable, and unhappy. Bitchy, bitchy, bitchy, bitchy. She's like the guy you picked for me is bo-ring, bo-ring. And I'm like, you're boring. The guy I picked for you is great. In fact, if he were 6 foot 2, I'd date him. He is good looking. He's the appropriate age. He owns his own surf company. His kids are grown. He likes women with children – not just one three! He lives in Hawaii and in California. Oh that's so terrible going to Hawaii. Oh yeah, that's real boring.

Like get a date yourself if you don’t like it.

And I decide he's going to take her out for dinner. So I think it should be a simple date. So they're going off to sushi, when I get a call that she's started stripping, burlesque-ing, gyrating him at her studio. That's how the date started. I feel so awful. And now he has to go to dinner with her and I'm thinking my god this date is going to go so south. And it did. He I will fix up later. She I want to smack against the wall.

Frank and Natalie go out. They have a really good date. Everything's fantastic. I'm like so happy for them. Thank god one out of two work this week.

I'm thinking to myself I’m going to be screamed at to no end. And of course she walks in with an attitude like no tomorrow. And I'm like, you know what. I really don't like you. I don’t have patience for you. I'm going to be fixing up Kelly with one of my closest friends. So you eat me and get the f—k out of my office.

The millionairess I have no patience for. I can't stand them. They’re just the same bulls—t, bulls—t, bulls—t.

Making a Match: Larry Birkhead & Melyssa Ford

Find out what Patti really thought about sexy Melyssa and shy guy Larry's dates.

This week I got to meet one of the sweetest guys in the world, Larry Birkhead: the boy from Kentucky. There’s just one problem: he hasn’t dated in like a decade. This guy needs practice. I mean, he’s drop dead gorgeous and he can’t do anything. I can send him out into the world and the world of a mixer and a date, but he could botch it. Candace and I will give him some mock dating experience and I will pick his date for him. The first time he’ll meet her will be when they go out for the first time. No chance for him to get nervous, and more importantly, no time for the girl to look him up and see who he is. He can stand on his own two feet and just be himself, not Anna Nicole’s ex.

He can stand on his own two feet and just be himself, not Anna Nicole’s ex.

My other client this week is drop dead gorgeous: Melyssa Ford. She’s the star of Blood Sweat and Heels, she used to be in a bunch of music videos, and she was nicknamed the "Video Vixen". I know it’s hard to turn off the beauty and the booty, so I bring her to doctor Pat Allen. Doctor Pat and I have worked together for years. Doctor Pat told Melyssa that she should be leading with her brain. Melyssa can be sexy no matter what: but can she look for the guy who’s interested in what she has to say, not what she looks like?

So I’m doing something new: I get Candace and David to bring a bunch of good appropriate men and women to the mixer. I just want a handful of guys for Melyssa, and a handful of girls for Larry. I introduce the best ones to Melyssa for her to choose from, and I’ll pick the best girl to set up Larry with on a blind date. Melyssa picks Jay. Jay listened to the conversation, and remembered Melyssa liked bowling and cigars. And he took her on a perfect, fun, get-to-know-you date. Meanwhile, Larry met up with his date at Universal Studios. He had a private tour set up, and he and Michelle met for the first time. They had a blast. She knew who he was, but they got past that and they got to know each other. And he took her for dinner and even got a kiss at the end.

So in the end, I’m so happy that both Larry and Melyssa got to learn something. Larry got to know he can be himself and there’s no need to be shy, and she knows (Melyssa) that there are guys out there who can look past her booty and see the great girl underneath.

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