Cast Blog: #MATCHMAKER

The Hottest Mess

Making a Match: Patti Melts and Bravo Reunions

Making a Match: Speidi, Bad Guys & Playboy

Making a Match: The Real Perez and Sexy Sonja

Making a Match: Making Jill (and Ally) Happy

Making a Match: Crashing Chilli's Date!

Making a Match: Larry Birkhead & Melyssa Ford

Patti Turns NeNe's Bridesmaids to Brides

A Waste of a Good Mirror

Getting a Nice Guy for Rachel Uchitel

Breaking 'Matchmaker' History

Two Millionaires That Shouldn't Be Single

The Critical Dick Goes Home Alone

A Dorky Doc and a Hopeless Romantic

Carson Kressley, the Millionaire Whisperer

Patti's Vlog: Everyone Gets a Valentine!

Patti's Vlog: Patti's the Love Doctor

Patti's Vlog: Stefan Richter Tried to Date Patti!

A Bashful Beauty and a Not-So-Golden Oldie

A Shallow Old Dog and a Sweet River Rat

What Rosie Wants and a Gay Hugh Hefner

Great Expectations and the Running Man

Courtney Kerr and a Swedish Peacock

Sarcastic Cheban and a 'Man-diego' Bachelor

Sweetheart Swayze and a Virtual Phantom

Patti's Biggest, Most Tempting Mixer Yet

A Red-Hot Night for the Millionaires

Time for Some Spice: The Ginger Mixer!

Gaynor Gets the Girl (So Does Allison!)

Adam Gaynor Wins, Allison Baver Skates By

Patti Says Leave Boss at the Business

Chef K Wins One for the Lesbian Team

Mitch Berger, NFL Peter Pan, Grows Up

Johnny Out Sweets Yigit

Sweet Yigit Gets No Sugar on His Date

Just Robin Being Robin

Bye-Bye Bradley, Hello Kitty

Robin Kassner Gets Serious

The Rules According to Aimee

Matt "The Candy Man" Riviera

Time for Patti to Give Me a Raise

The Hottest Mess

Patti explains the problem with millionairesses, the wounded, and why she won't be signing up for Emma's classes any time soon.

Full transcript after the jump

OK, so this week's going to be a little bit different. So I have a millionairess for the first time back in LA, which I'm not looking forward too, because they're always a hot mess and a pain in the ass.

And certainly Emma walks in, she's a British crazy pants, who is a stripper, burlesque dancer, pole dancer, exercise fiend, and she owns a studio where she teaches people how to do this crap. OK, like I’m going to join. Not.

She's been married three times since the age of fifteen, yes in Britain they do it a little weird. Well she comes to me saying she really needs a man and I'm thinking OK great. I'm going to screen people for you, but this week we're going to do it different. We're going to do a two-way mirror.

On top of that Frank walks in. Frank's from Vegas. He's the top plastic surgeon there. He has a little bit of wound. Somebody rejected him so many years ago -- back in medical school, he was cheated on. Ever since then it's control, control, control. Gets up at 5 am, seven days a week, whether it's rain or shine or vacation time -- and if his date doesn't do that, she's out.

So I'm thinking to myself, whoa these two are a little crazy. A little mental, OK so it's mental week.

Now I’ve got to find guys for her for Emma, which are men. She likes George Clooney types. And I've gotta find girls, little spinnerettes, with a personality that'’s sweet, that has a good job that Frank will like.

I put them in a room now I know for sure Emma's going to go off and like Frank. Frank has no interest. He thinks he's talking to Harry Potter, JK Rowling.

So I do a two-way mirror for Frank and Frank gets the girl of his dreams, which is Natalie who's fantastic. She's the perfect girl. He is beaming from ear to ear.

And Emma is sad, miserable, and unhappy. Bitchy, bitchy, bitchy, bitchy. She's like the guy you picked for me is bo-ring, bo-ring. And I'm like, you're boring. The guy I picked for you is great. In fact, if he were 6 foot 2, I'd date him. He is good looking. He's the appropriate age. He owns his own surf company. His kids are grown. He likes women with children – not just one three! He lives in Hawaii and in California. Oh that's so terrible going to Hawaii. Oh yeah, that's real boring.

Like get a date yourself if you don’t like it.

And I decide he's going to take her out for dinner. So I think it should be a simple date. So they're going off to sushi, when I get a call that she's started stripping, burlesque-ing, gyrating him at her studio. That's how the date started. I feel so awful. And now he has to go to dinner with her and I'm thinking my god this date is going to go so south. And it did. He I will fix up later. She I want to smack against the wall.

Frank and Natalie go out. They have a really good date. Everything's fantastic. I'm like so happy for them. Thank god one out of two work this week.

I'm thinking to myself I’m going to be screamed at to no end. And of course she walks in with an attitude like no tomorrow. And I'm like, you know what. I really don't like you. I don’t have patience for you. I'm going to be fixing up Kelly with one of my closest friends. So you eat me and get the f—k out of my office.

The millionairess I have no patience for. I can't stand them. They’re just the same bulls—t, bulls—t, bulls—t.

Making a Match: The Real Perez and Sexy Sonja

Patti strips Mario Lavandeira of his Perez Hilton persona and takes Sonja Morgan's love life into her own hands with a secret weapon.

Season 8 of The Millionaire Matchmaker is one of the most dramatic ever. This time around, Patti Stanger is helping plenty of unlikely clients find love, from Larry Birkhead and 'Chili' Thomas to Stephanie Pratt.

Each week, we're asking Patti to weigh in on every episode in her exclusive vlog. She'll tackle the good (crashing Chilli's date), the bad (Sonja's fast-burning match Thomas)—and the hilarious (kicking Jill Zarin out!). This week, she talks about setting up RHONY's own Sonja Morgan, Perez Hilton, and more. Check out the latest episode vlog below and watch past episodes here.

 So this week I’m setting up Perez Hilton. I met Sonja Morgan and she’s from The Real Housewives of New York City. She’s got a high profile divorce from American royalty, aka J.P. Morgan. So Sonja wants a down to earth, really strong guy with money who can travel at a moment’s notice to New York. And Perez wants the ultimate husband. So this is a big deal. And because his reputation is so bad, I gotta find guys who will date him.

 We get down to Sonja’s guys and there’s Thomas and Kent, which end up being the last two guys that I really like. Thomas is super sexy and hot, a little overt, too much wanting to get into her pants. And then there’s Kent who’s so steady, he’s got four kids, he’s really rich, and more importantly, he’s kind of a slow burn -- whereas Thomas is a fast burn. 

 Now, we grab David and we go through the guys for Perez. It’s a blind date. So Perez and his date meet for the first time. I knew this was going to happen, everybody in the gay community, it’s such a small town, and everyong knows eachother. I was like aw, sh--. But, the good thing about it, Perez had a I really good time. I think that after Greg accepted Perez and didn’t make him feel bad about his past, and Perez realized that Greg was a really nice guy, they became friends. It wasn’t a love match, but his confidence soared. I think this was a real learning lesson.

Perez wants the ultimate husband. So this is a big deal. And because his reputation is so bad, I gotta find guys who will date him.

 Sonja chooses Thomas at the mixer and I was kinda bummed because I knew that Thomas was all sex and all talk no action. I had something else up my sleeve. Just to protect myself. So the secret weapon I had was Rocco Dispirito. Rocco Dispirito is a good friend of mine. He just had a new cookbook out and I thought, ‘What a great way to get to know someone if you cook with them!’ So me and Rocco were on a date, and Sonja and Thomas were on a date. And before I knew it, they were flirting and touching and kissing, and I was like, ‘Oh sh--, oh sh--.’ I decided to pull a switch.

 So I pull Kent in and Sonja’s in shock because she didn’t know she was getting two dates and not just one. And of course, Sonja being the flirt and Sagittarius that she is, she just rose to the occasion. Before long, they’re on a date and Thomas is out. It was romance dujour!