Cast Blog: #MATCHMAKER

The Hottest Mess

Making a Match: Crashing Chilli's Date!

Making a Match: Larry Birkhead & Melyssa Ford

Patti Turns NeNe's Bridesmaids to Brides

A Waste of a Good Mirror

Getting a Nice Guy for Rachel Uchitel

Breaking 'Matchmaker' History

Two Millionaires That Shouldn't Be Single

The Critical Dick Goes Home Alone

A Dorky Doc and a Hopeless Romantic

Carson Kressley, the Millionaire Whisperer

Patti's Vlog: Everyone Gets a Valentine!

Patti's Vlog: Patti's the Love Doctor

Patti's Vlog: Stefan Richter Tried to Date Patti!

A Bashful Beauty and a Not-So-Golden Oldie

A Shallow Old Dog and a Sweet River Rat

What Rosie Wants and a Gay Hugh Hefner

Great Expectations and the Running Man

Courtney Kerr and a Swedish Peacock

Sarcastic Cheban and a 'Man-diego' Bachelor

Sweetheart Swayze and a Virtual Phantom

Patti's Biggest, Most Tempting Mixer Yet

A Red-Hot Night for the Millionaires

Time for Some Spice: The Ginger Mixer!

Gaynor Gets the Girl (So Does Allison!)

Adam Gaynor Wins, Allison Baver Skates By

Patti Says Leave Boss at the Business

Chef K Wins One for the Lesbian Team

Mitch Berger, NFL Peter Pan, Grows Up

Johnny Out Sweets Yigit

Sweet Yigit Gets No Sugar on His Date

Just Robin Being Robin

Bye-Bye Bradley, Hello Kitty

Robin Kassner Gets Serious

The Rules According to Aimee

Matt "The Candy Man" Riviera

Time for Patti to Give Me a Raise

Skeet Shooting is a Bad Date Idea

Let the Man Be the Man on a Date

Irv's Nerve

Patti's Favorite Episode

The Hottest Mess

Patti explains the problem with millionairesses, the wounded, and why she won't be signing up for Emma's classes any time soon.

Full transcript after the jump

OK, so this week's going to be a little bit different. So I have a millionairess for the first time back in LA, which I'm not looking forward too, because they're always a hot mess and a pain in the ass.

And certainly Emma walks in, she's a British crazy pants, who is a stripper, burlesque dancer, pole dancer, exercise fiend, and she owns a studio where she teaches people how to do this crap. OK, like I’m going to join. Not.

She's been married three times since the age of fifteen, yes in Britain they do it a little weird. Well she comes to me saying she really needs a man and I'm thinking OK great. I'm going to screen people for you, but this week we're going to do it different. We're going to do a two-way mirror.

On top of that Frank walks in. Frank's from Vegas. He's the top plastic surgeon there. He has a little bit of wound. Somebody rejected him so many years ago -- back in medical school, he was cheated on. Ever since then it's control, control, control. Gets up at 5 am, seven days a week, whether it's rain or shine or vacation time -- and if his date doesn't do that, she's out.

So I'm thinking to myself, whoa these two are a little crazy. A little mental, OK so it's mental week.

Now I’ve got to find guys for her for Emma, which are men. She likes George Clooney types. And I've gotta find girls, little spinnerettes, with a personality that'’s sweet, that has a good job that Frank will like.

I put them in a room now I know for sure Emma's going to go off and like Frank. Frank has no interest. He thinks he's talking to Harry Potter, JK Rowling.

So I do a two-way mirror for Frank and Frank gets the girl of his dreams, which is Natalie who's fantastic. She's the perfect girl. He is beaming from ear to ear.

And Emma is sad, miserable, and unhappy. Bitchy, bitchy, bitchy, bitchy. She's like the guy you picked for me is bo-ring, bo-ring. And I'm like, you're boring. The guy I picked for you is great. In fact, if he were 6 foot 2, I'd date him. He is good looking. He's the appropriate age. He owns his own surf company. His kids are grown. He likes women with children – not just one three! He lives in Hawaii and in California. Oh that's so terrible going to Hawaii. Oh yeah, that's real boring.

Like get a date yourself if you don’t like it.

And I decide he's going to take her out for dinner. So I think it should be a simple date. So they're going off to sushi, when I get a call that she's started stripping, burlesque-ing, gyrating him at her studio. That's how the date started. I feel so awful. And now he has to go to dinner with her and I'm thinking my god this date is going to go so south. And it did. He I will fix up later. She I want to smack against the wall.

Frank and Natalie go out. They have a really good date. Everything's fantastic. I'm like so happy for them. Thank god one out of two work this week.

I'm thinking to myself I’m going to be screamed at to no end. And of course she walks in with an attitude like no tomorrow. And I'm like, you know what. I really don't like you. I don’t have patience for you. I'm going to be fixing up Kelly with one of my closest friends. So you eat me and get the f—k out of my office.

The millionairess I have no patience for. I can't stand them. They’re just the same bulls—t, bulls—t, bulls—t.

Patti Turns NeNe's Bridesmaids to Brides

Patti thinks it won’t be long before these two are following their friend Nene Leakes’ lead down the aisle.

Read Patti's full transcript after the jump!

OK, greatest week ever. We have my friend NeNe Leakes out here from Atlanta and she brought me the gift that keeps on giving, great women who are looking to be set up! So I’m doing NeNe a favor this week and we’re throwing her two eligible bridesmaids a mixer to top all mixers. These girls are gonna get hooked up, and if they play their cards right, they might end up with a handsome man on their arm.

So let’s get this started. NeNe introduces me to Dawn Robinson and Diana Gowins. Diana is the mothering type. Not just a little bit, she could out-mother Mother Teresa. I get where she’s coming from, she’s an ex-nurse, she’s got three kids, she’s a nurturer. But she’s got a problem: she over-nurtures and that gives the guys the wrong signal, especially when they start dating. A man doesn’t want his date to be a mother until they have some children together. Until then, she’s his hot wife and Diana’s got to lead with the sexy and bring the mothering to the table later. That one’s easy.

Dawn is a little tougher. She’s tall, gorgeous, but also really intellectually smart, and she knows it. She’s got a high finance job, and she doesn’t need a man telling her anything. Well, there’s the problem because a man needs to at least feel like he’s worth something. So Dawn doesn’t need to play dumb, but she also doesn’t need to intimidate the guy or drive over the guy like a competitive tank commander. Alpha women are tough to change, but I can sometimes get them to put away the alpha from time to time to lure a man in. And if Dawn listens to me and tries not to compete with the guy right out of the gate, she’ll be happy she did because the guys will come to her like bees to honey.

So NeNe and I have our work cut out for us this week and we set up a recruiting so NeNe could help me pick out fine gentlemen for her friends. It was a really good idea. She knows what they like, but she’s also honest and knows what they tend to do, and what men aren’t right for them.

NeNe helped us pick the right men, and I think it was worth it because we had a great mixer. The mixer was a classy affair at The Mark and everybody had a great time. The men were respectful but they also were having fun. NeNe and I kept an eye on things, making sure Diana didn’t try to mother anybody out of the door and that Dawn kept her man eating claws inside.  Both girls did great, and by the end each had chosen a great guy, Dawn had Isaac eating out of the palm of her hand and Diana had Dante right where she wanted him staring right back at her.

And because these two are best friends, we decided to let them have a little back up. They all went out together on a double date. The guys were told to plan the date, and Isaac and Dante did great. They got Louis Van Amstel from Dancing With The Stars to give them salsa dancing lessons and then they also had a romantic rooftop winter wonderland dinner where they actually made it snow. Which in L.A. is kind of amazing.

At the end of the week, I think both girls had a really great time. Time will tell, but I think it won’t be long before these two are following their friend Nene’s lead and dancing down their own aisles. And they’ll just have me and NeNe to thank. Well, you’re welcome girls. 

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