Me Want Woman

Making a Match: Crashing Chilli's Date!

Making a Match: Larry Birkhead & Melyssa Ford

Patti Turns NeNe's Bridesmaids to Brides

A Waste of a Good Mirror

Getting a Nice Guy for Rachel Uchitel

Breaking 'Matchmaker' History

Two Millionaires That Shouldn't Be Single

The Critical Dick Goes Home Alone

A Dorky Doc and a Hopeless Romantic

Carson Kressley, the Millionaire Whisperer

Patti's Vlog: Everyone Gets a Valentine!

Patti's Vlog: Patti's the Love Doctor

Patti's Vlog: Stefan Richter Tried to Date Patti!

A Bashful Beauty and a Not-So-Golden Oldie

A Shallow Old Dog and a Sweet River Rat

What Rosie Wants and a Gay Hugh Hefner

Great Expectations and the Running Man

Courtney Kerr and a Swedish Peacock

Sarcastic Cheban and a 'Man-diego' Bachelor

Sweetheart Swayze and a Virtual Phantom

Patti's Biggest, Most Tempting Mixer Yet

A Red-Hot Night for the Millionaires

Time for Some Spice: The Ginger Mixer!

Gaynor Gets the Girl (So Does Allison!)

Adam Gaynor Wins, Allison Baver Skates By

Patti Says Leave Boss at the Business

Chef K Wins One for the Lesbian Team

Mitch Berger, NFL Peter Pan, Grows Up

Johnny Out Sweets Yigit

Sweet Yigit Gets No Sugar on His Date

Just Robin Being Robin

Bye-Bye Bradley, Hello Kitty

Robin Kassner Gets Serious

The Rules According to Aimee

Matt "The Candy Man" Riviera

Time for Patti to Give Me a Raise

Skeet Shooting is a Bad Date Idea

Let the Man Be the Man on a Date

Irv's Nerve

Patti's Favorite Episode

Me Want Woman

Rachel discusses Gary's caveman date and her thoughts about Mikey's "fantastico" photoshoot.

That's right LaLa-land, Team MC is back in the house taking the land of plastic, beauty, and moolah by storm. So we had our fun in NYC, but as the saying goes: home is where the heart is. At least home is where the not-so-schleppy are. We have a brand spanking new office and plenty of millionaires and non-millionaires in need of some serious help.

Destin and I were feeling a bit punchy this week and decided to bring back a bit of the Big Apple with Gary. He sure does remind me of a certain shot drinking, bro-loving, pain in the you know what back east! Moving right along, to cut to the chase he chose giggle-puss Bonnie because she was more do-able. Here we go again. They just never listen to us do they?

I love the complete unawareness of Gary in regards to Bonnie having a near panic attack on the helicopter. “She looked like she was enjoying herself.” I think the helicopter just flew over your head Gary. Round 2 is dinner on a yacht. OK now we're in good dating territory. Oh wait, did I speak too soon? Gary she's over here, focus. He can't even look at her when speaking? Lastly Gary does the king of all no-nos and asks to kiss her! So being the smart girl Bonnie is (we trained her well,) she schools Gary on moving in for the kiss. Gary does, but I have to tell you it felt like I was watching some sort of caveman date as he grabbed her by the back of her head and shoved his face in hers. "Ugh me want woman. Ugh me get woman. Ugh me kiss woman."

Next up to bat is Michael, tall, hunky, worldly -- CREEPY. I really thought Michael was going to be a gentleman, being that he is such a well traveled chap. I thought he was going to actually listen to us, being that he has such a wealth of knowledge and languages and artistic talents. I really thought. . .oh who am I kidding?

Michael picks Tammy of course, the golden goddess that was a no-brainer. He has her picked up in a nice car to whisk her off to. . .wait for it. . .AN AMAZING ALLEYWAY WITH A CREEPY WAREHOUSE. Ahem, sorry a "state of the art studio." OMG every girl's dream date right?!? At this point I would have said "check please." He leads her into the fancy pantsy studio to make her dress up in borrowed clothes and take photos with him behind the camera in front of some cheese ball sports car circa Back to the Future. Did you get all that? If that isn't creepy I don't know what is! To make this even creepier he poses her like she's some sort of puppet. Did I mention the use of "fantastico" every five seconds? So yet again we have another clueless fellow who thought she looked so natural and comfortable doing this. She looked about as natural as half the women in Hollywood. Next up they head to a nice dinner where I was surprised he wasn't taking photos of her eating for his Mr. Creepy collection. Believe it or not he went in for the kiss and the dinner was fantastico!

So much for a clean start right? Well it does feel good to be back home. Oh LA, how I have missed thee.

Making a Match: Larry Birkhead & Melyssa Ford

Find out what Patti really thought about sexy Melyssa and shy guy Larry's dates.

This week I got to meet one of the sweetest guys in the world, Larry Birkhead: the boy from Kentucky. There’s just one problem: he hasn’t dated in like a decade. This guy needs practice. I mean, he’s drop dead gorgeous and he can’t do anything. I can send him out into the world and the world of a mixer and a date, but he could botch it. Candace and I will give him some mock dating experience and I will pick his date for him. The first time he’ll meet her will be when they go out for the first time. No chance for him to get nervous, and more importantly, no time for the girl to look him up and see who he is. He can stand on his own two feet and just be himself, not Anna Nicole’s ex.

He can stand on his own two feet and just be himself, not Anna Nicole’s ex.

My other client this week is drop dead gorgeous: Melyssa Ford. She’s the star of Blood Sweat and Heels, she used to be in a bunch of music videos, and she was nicknamed the "Video Vixen". I know it’s hard to turn off the beauty and the booty, so I bring her to doctor Pat Allen. Doctor Pat and I have worked together for years. Doctor Pat told Melyssa that she should be leading with her brain. Melyssa can be sexy no matter what: but can she look for the guy who’s interested in what she has to say, not what she looks like?

So I’m doing something new: I get Candace and David to bring a bunch of good appropriate men and women to the mixer. I just want a handful of guys for Melyssa, and a handful of girls for Larry. I introduce the best ones to Melyssa for her to choose from, and I’ll pick the best girl to set up Larry with on a blind date. Melyssa picks Jay. Jay listened to the conversation, and remembered Melyssa liked bowling and cigars. And he took her on a perfect, fun, get-to-know-you date. Meanwhile, Larry met up with his date at Universal Studios. He had a private tour set up, and he and Michelle met for the first time. They had a blast. She knew who he was, but they got past that and they got to know each other. And he took her for dinner and even got a kiss at the end.

So in the end, I’m so happy that both Larry and Melyssa got to learn something. Larry got to know he can be himself and there’s no need to be shy, and she knows (Melyssa) that there are guys out there who can look past her booty and see the great girl underneath.

Read more about: