Real Live Michelangelo Fingers

Making a Match: Crashing Chilli's Date!

Making a Match: Larry Birkhead & Melyssa Ford

Patti Turns NeNe's Bridesmaids to Brides

A Waste of a Good Mirror

Getting a Nice Guy for Rachel Uchitel

Breaking 'Matchmaker' History

Two Millionaires That Shouldn't Be Single

The Critical Dick Goes Home Alone

A Dorky Doc and a Hopeless Romantic

Carson Kressley, the Millionaire Whisperer

Patti's Vlog: Everyone Gets a Valentine!

Patti's Vlog: Patti's the Love Doctor

Patti's Vlog: Stefan Richter Tried to Date Patti!

A Bashful Beauty and a Not-So-Golden Oldie

A Shallow Old Dog and a Sweet River Rat

What Rosie Wants and a Gay Hugh Hefner

Great Expectations and the Running Man

Courtney Kerr and a Swedish Peacock

Sarcastic Cheban and a 'Man-diego' Bachelor

Sweetheart Swayze and a Virtual Phantom

Patti's Biggest, Most Tempting Mixer Yet

A Red-Hot Night for the Millionaires

Time for Some Spice: The Ginger Mixer!

Gaynor Gets the Girl (So Does Allison!)

Adam Gaynor Wins, Allison Baver Skates By

Patti Says Leave Boss at the Business

Chef K Wins One for the Lesbian Team

Mitch Berger, NFL Peter Pan, Grows Up

Johnny Out Sweets Yigit

Sweet Yigit Gets No Sugar on His Date

Just Robin Being Robin

Bye-Bye Bradley, Hello Kitty

Robin Kassner Gets Serious

The Rules According to Aimee

Matt "The Candy Man" Riviera

Time for Patti to Give Me a Raise

Skeet Shooting is a Bad Date Idea

Let the Man Be the Man on a Date

Irv's Nerve

Patti's Favorite Episode

Real Live Michelangelo Fingers

Episode 1:'s Associate Editor gleans lessons from Patti's first week back in L.A. -- specifically about proper posing and helicopter etiquette.

She's baaaaaaaaack! We're back to the land Patti Stanger loves the most. The California daters tend to be a little more accepting of our gal. Perhaps it's the fresh smoggy air that makes them more open-minded. Anywho, as a single lady myself, I'll be watching this season with a careful eye to the lessons Patti can teach me. So follow along as we see what Commandant of Courting has taught us.

Do: Wear a headscarf while single and driving a convertible.

 Can we just talk for a minute about Patti wearing a head scarf when she's driving across L.A.?

I'm not sure why this to me was such a highlight of the episode! I just fell for how chic she looked. The pink with the leopard, with the braid. Way to take a cue from Bridget Jones' mini-break style, PS (Can I call you that?). Let's take the scarf out on the town and find it a male ascot to mate with, you know what I'm saying. . .

Do: Shower often and in the middle of your dates

Patti's first bachelor is Gary, who's hilariously from New York. She just can't get away. Gary's an internet empire type -- who actually owns a dating website of some kind, interestingly enough. He wants Patti to find him a lady that loves boats. Boats are like A, Number 1 requirement. Not far behind: hygiene. If you go on a date with Gary, and then you come home, you should take a shower, like before moving it to the bedroom or the living room, of anywhere. I'm curious if he has an outdoor shower at his house to facilitate this, or if he just herds his would-be mates into the bathroom upon arrival. Gary retreats a bit on this when Patti questions him about it (spurning her to believe he might have multiple personalities), but it's still an important lesson to learn. Cleanliness? Who knew.

Don't: Be tilted

You're titled. Fix that. Also get your teeth fixed is a general good tip-a-roo. But worth repeating if it means we get to hear Patti hum the Jaws theme song.

Do Have "Michelangelo fingers"

There are a lot of things I worry about on first dates. Am I talking too much? Do I laugh weird? Am I going to have to eat in front of him? Is that food in his teeth or is that how his teeth actually are? Never have I worried that my fingers weren't Michelangelo enough. But I’ve never been out with Michael.

Patti knew off the bat that this guy might have been a touch too handsome and perfect to need her services. I found the first red flag to be the fact he was blatantly hitting on Patti. No wait, I was suspicious when he was casually making a sculpture and holding a Grandma Wrinkles cat. His diverse interest and use of the word "fantastico" really set some bells and whistles off for me.

So Patti was from the get-go was worried he might be too perfect -- and she was right! His date was a photoshoot where he berated poor Tammy's ability to climb sexily out of a suicide door. I personally don't want someone I don't know if I ever want to see again having photos of me, lest I find out on Date 2 that he's produced a calendar and scheduled the next year of our life together. But at least I've learned that I should indeed be more cautious that I pose my fingers as though I was just grasping for God himself.

Next week Tori Spelling tries to find a date for her miniature chicken. Just kidding! Donna Martin is there teaching us about how women can have it all, chickens, scones chickens can eat, time with their families, etc. etc.

What else did you learn from this episode? Leave your favorite Pattism in the comments.

A Waste of a Good Mirror

Patti hopes they master cloning so Justin can date himself, but she's ecstatic Michael let his inner nerd hang out.

Read Patti's full transcript after the jump!

OK. This was a week and a half!

My first client was great. Michael Sartain, an estate manager who lives in Vegas. He’s good looking, rich, polite. What’s wrong with him? Well I meet him and I realize, there really isn’t anything wrong with him. He’s stuck in Vegas, all he does is work. But it’s just not the kind of town where you’re basically going to meet a really nice girl. He goes out  to clubs, he meets club girls. He goes out to casinos, same thing same thing over and over again. This is the kind of guy who’s as comfortable walking down the strip as burying his nose in a science book. He’s really smart.  And nerdy things but he doesn’t think girls want to hear about that. He’s super super sexy science cute. That’s where I come in.


I tell him that the first rule to having a relationship is being yourself. And if you’re a guy who loves physics and astronomy, well you better not date a girl who wants to go out dancing every night. That’s just, stupid! You don’t have to be twins but you have to respect eachother. I told Michael that it was ok to let the inner nerd come out a little bit. And find out if that was acceptable to a girl. And he would have no problem!

On the other side of things, though, I’ve had one of my most annoying clients ever. Justin Ross Lee. J-R-L. The guy that makes narcissism look like a super power. He’s one of those guys that is just so in love with himself. Why don’t they finally master cloning and give him what he wants -- another him. Here’s the thing, with this guy he’s all bullsh--. I know he has money, he’s inherited a bunch form his parents. He’s all into the rich look and being pretentious. And if he doesn’t lose the act, and get real, he will never meet a woman he can be in a relationship with. If he really wants that, he’s so full of shit.

But I can’t say that I’m not going to try. I bring out all the tricks in my book. I ask him to nurture a plant and bring it to the mixer. He brings plastic. I ask him to lose the pretentious douche-wear. Putting on something fun and 70s for a disco mixer! He ignores me, he still wears Piccadilly pants.  I ask him to get real and actually lose his fake attitude, and ask the girls authentic questions, he acts like an asshole! So at some point, there’s not much more I can do to this guy. I can lead the horse to water, but I can't change him if he’s a horses a--.

The 70s disco mixer goes great. We’ve got like 10 disco balls and Michael’s totally into it wearing a huge wig, he’s great. Justin Ross Lee wears a stupid suit and his pocket square -- yuck. He’s getting on my nerves! I try to get him to be himself and he doesn’t f---ing budge. So I’m glad that we picked out a girl with a sense of humor who can take him down a notch. In the end he chooses Ariane and Alex. Two models, shocker, of course. For his mini dates and ends up with Arianne. Good -- shes not gonna put up with his f---ing bullsh--.

On the other side, Michael is letting his nerd hang out. He’s being honest and telling the girls what he loves to do. His science stuff. And you know what? They like him for who he is because he’s being honest about himself and telling them what he’s into. He picks two great girls. Cynthia and Andrea.

Michael takes her to a flight simulator thing where you can pick your own jet fighter and she loves it in the end, they’re shooting each other down like Top Gun and it’s super sexy. But he also brings his romantic side. He has a strong quartet playing for her and then he brings her to a nice romantic dinner where they really talk and get to know each other. And she responds to him. It goes great. That’s what happens when a guy listens to me!

Meanwhile Mr. Pretentious Jacka-- I’m An A--hole With My Pocket Square, gets a big yacht (meaning he has no penis) and he tries to wine and dine young Ariane, who knows he’s full of sh-- the moment he opens his mouth. And just like I suspected- he can’t keep his mouth closed for more than a second before he’s insulting her. He says he looked her up on Google, and she’s not really thirty, and she’s been lying to him. Now I know she’s really 35 -- I have her drivers license. When I screened Arianne, I saw that she was 35 which is on her paperwork -- that’s fine! That’s what I told him I was going to have at the mixer 30 and 35! I don’t really give a shit, because on the paperwork, she fit the bill for him to date. He’s rude to ask and he was a complete dick about it.

So we all know why Justin isn’t leaving my club with a girl on his arm: because Justin is in love with one thing, and that’s not money, that’s not blondes, that’s Justin. And I’m never going to set him up with a girl who’s as ugly as himself -- that’s for sure. The guy’s a waste of a good mirror. 

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