Cast Blog: #MATCHMAKER

Someday My Dork Will Come

Making a Match: Crashing Chilli's Date!

Making a Match: Larry Birkhead & Melyssa Ford

Patti Turns NeNe's Bridesmaids to Brides

A Waste of a Good Mirror

Getting a Nice Guy for Rachel Uchitel

Breaking 'Matchmaker' History

Two Millionaires That Shouldn't Be Single

The Critical Dick Goes Home Alone

A Dorky Doc and a Hopeless Romantic

Carson Kressley, the Millionaire Whisperer

Patti's Vlog: Everyone Gets a Valentine!

Patti's Vlog: Patti's the Love Doctor

Patti's Vlog: Stefan Richter Tried to Date Patti!

A Bashful Beauty and a Not-So-Golden Oldie

A Shallow Old Dog and a Sweet River Rat

What Rosie Wants and a Gay Hugh Hefner

Great Expectations and the Running Man

Courtney Kerr and a Swedish Peacock

Sarcastic Cheban and a 'Man-diego' Bachelor

Sweetheart Swayze and a Virtual Phantom

Patti's Biggest, Most Tempting Mixer Yet

A Red-Hot Night for the Millionaires

Time for Some Spice: The Ginger Mixer!

Gaynor Gets the Girl (So Does Allison!)

Adam Gaynor Wins, Allison Baver Skates By

Patti Says Leave Boss at the Business

Chef K Wins One for the Lesbian Team

Mitch Berger, NFL Peter Pan, Grows Up

Johnny Out Sweets Yigit

Sweet Yigit Gets No Sugar on His Date

Just Robin Being Robin

Bye-Bye Bradley, Hello Kitty

Robin Kassner Gets Serious

The Rules According to Aimee

Matt "The Candy Man" Riviera

Time for Patti to Give Me a Raise

Skeet Shooting is a Bad Date Idea

Let the Man Be the Man on a Date

Irv's Nerve

Patti's Favorite Episode

Someday My Dork Will Come

Episode 3: Bravotv.com's Associate Editor ponders magazine fashion, horses, and shots on a first date.

This week we open with Sweet Patti discussing her singledom. Patti wants to be a mother. And she already knows all the tricks -- toys, breasts, food.

Now moving on to problems that can't always (but still occasionally can be) be solved with that trifecta.

Do: If you can't get Blake Lively, go for Fat Jessica Simpson

This week featured two vastly different millionaires. First there was the young, recently loaded Daniel Kibblesmith, who in the words of Patti, "needs every Hitch-ified move" she can give him.

Let's be honest her for a second. Pretty much every woman in the Bravotv.com office immediately fell in love with Daniel. Perhaps it was the charming puppetry, the whimsical sketches, or the hipster wardrobe, but like a lost puppy everyone wanted to adopt him.

Unfortunately, the person he wants signing his ASPCA forms is Blake Lively. Patti is less confident in his desires and asserts that for him it's "maybe fat Jessica Simpson, but not Blake Lively." I've always wondered what the nerdier substitution was for Blake Lively, so I'm glad Patti's cleared that up. Take note Penn Badgley.

Do: Keep your ascots to a minimum

Here's the thing Prince Max: Just no. No with the shirts with the family crest. No with the velvet blazers at all times. No, no, no. The only person velvet blazers ever worked on were Gwyneth Paltrow circa Se7en days. Look at Prince Harry. He's a prince and his fashion choices are very current (except when they are offensive, don't look at those). Didn't you see Enchanted? Amy Adams found love but only when she adapted to the real world. Prince Max was precious, once he kept his monarchy mentions to a minimum (also say that three times fast).

Do: Wear jaunt JT-style hats

Over hot dogs, Patti gently mentions to Daniel that "I wouldn't sleep with you. I wouldn't give you a blow job either," and might go so far as to tell him to burn his clothes. Those gentle critiques lead him to get a major makeover of clothes from racks and in piles. Daniel gets a slick Justin Timberlake hat (the Senorita working in the store feels for you, apparently, since she had the same style fedora on) and eventually a major haircut. The hoodies have been burned for warmth, so we'll see how that worked out shortly. . .

Don't: Take fashion advice from magazines, men don't f—k magazines

As Patti's picking the ladies, there are of course, some gems in the bunch. One resonated with me most -- That dress you saw in Lucky. Patti hates it. Case in point. . . . .

"If I bring you, would you wear a fitted cocktail dress and not like a frumpty dumpty, ruffle thing that you saw in Lucky magazine that you think is hot that nobody wants to sleep with you in?"

Also don't get to drunk, don't wear blazers, and don't have old energy. I've burned all of these things along with Daniel's hoodies.

Do: Have a horse if you're a prince

I mean c'mon guy. You know if Daniel asks you these questions, the woman are going to ask you these questions, too. My first thought when I saw Prince Max was like "Dude nice vodka, where's your horse?" How are you going to ride up on a white horse and rescue the gal without a horse.

Surprisingly at the mixer no one else asks him that question. Daniel struggles with understanding how long he's supposed to talk for. Max almost blows his cover. In the end, Max skips the Kate Bosworth/Bratwurst and Blazer Queen Erica in favor of Clark (from America's Next Top Model!). And Daniel chooses surfer and party girl Shereena over his dance partner. Do: Be a sample-size so your prince can buy you clothes to wear on your date

This whole date was a splendifirous fairytale. Max put the ascots away, and the pair was able to openly ballroom dance without abandon and is apparently never turned to pumpkins and is still together -- but none of this would have happened without Max having a good eye for his date's dress size. Know this gents, if you truly want to sweep someone off of their feet, be able to guesstimate their clothing size perfectly. Glass slippers and blue ballgowns are not one-size fits most.

Don’t wear suspender pants, chug shots, awkwardly man-handle your date. . .

Daniel and Shereena take in an art gallery and plenty of shots. Shereena took to her drink "like a duck drinking Scotch," so it was no surprise that by dinner she was maybe less than ideal company -- albeit still sore free.

Yipes. Poor Daniel's was so far out of his comfort zone I'm not even sure it was still a zone. He was just in a nebulous place where glitter hangs in the folds of his shirt and he has a hard time digesting seafood and cheese. Patti, was, unsurprisingly less than enthused with this, though she hints that things worked out ultimately in her vlog. I certainly hope so, young Danny Boy deserves it. And if not, there are plenty of ladies not dressed as spangly break dancers in the Bravotv.com office that would love to play puppet show.

Next week, Patti finds the alchemy of love. Spoiler alert: it's fondling (as long as you don't have sex)!

A Waste of a Good Mirror

Patti hopes they master cloning so Justin can date himself, but she's ecstatic Michael let his inner nerd hang out.

Read Patti's full transcript after the jump!

OK. This was a week and a half!

My first client was great. Michael Sartain, an estate manager who lives in Vegas. He’s good looking, rich, polite. What’s wrong with him? Well I meet him and I realize, there really isn’t anything wrong with him. He’s stuck in Vegas, all he does is work. But it’s just not the kind of town where you’re basically going to meet a really nice girl. He goes out  to clubs, he meets club girls. He goes out to casinos, same thing same thing over and over again. This is the kind of guy who’s as comfortable walking down the strip as burying his nose in a science book. He’s really smart.  And nerdy things but he doesn’t think girls want to hear about that. He’s super super sexy science cute. That’s where I come in.

 

I tell him that the first rule to having a relationship is being yourself. And if you’re a guy who loves physics and astronomy, well you better not date a girl who wants to go out dancing every night. That’s just, stupid! You don’t have to be twins but you have to respect eachother. I told Michael that it was ok to let the inner nerd come out a little bit. And find out if that was acceptable to a girl. And he would have no problem!


On the other side of things, though, I’ve had one of my most annoying clients ever. Justin Ross Lee. J-R-L. The guy that makes narcissism look like a super power. He’s one of those guys that is just so in love with himself. Why don’t they finally master cloning and give him what he wants -- another him. Here’s the thing, with this guy he’s all bullsh--. I know he has money, he’s inherited a bunch form his parents. He’s all into the rich look and being pretentious. And if he doesn’t lose the act, and get real, he will never meet a woman he can be in a relationship with. If he really wants that, he’s so full of shit.

But I can’t say that I’m not going to try. I bring out all the tricks in my book. I ask him to nurture a plant and bring it to the mixer. He brings plastic. I ask him to lose the pretentious douche-wear. Putting on something fun and 70s for a disco mixer! He ignores me, he still wears Piccadilly pants.  I ask him to get real and actually lose his fake attitude, and ask the girls authentic questions, he acts like an asshole! So at some point, there’s not much more I can do to this guy. I can lead the horse to water, but I can't change him if he’s a horses a--.


The 70s disco mixer goes great. We’ve got like 10 disco balls and Michael’s totally into it wearing a huge wig, he’s great. Justin Ross Lee wears a stupid suit and his pocket square -- yuck. He’s getting on my nerves! I try to get him to be himself and he doesn’t f---ing budge. So I’m glad that we picked out a girl with a sense of humor who can take him down a notch. In the end he chooses Ariane and Alex. Two models, shocker, of course. For his mini dates and ends up with Arianne. Good -- shes not gonna put up with his f---ing bullsh--.

On the other side, Michael is letting his nerd hang out. He’s being honest and telling the girls what he loves to do. His science stuff. And you know what? They like him for who he is because he’s being honest about himself and telling them what he’s into. He picks two great girls. Cynthia and Andrea.

Michael takes her to a flight simulator thing where you can pick your own jet fighter and she loves it in the end, they’re shooting each other down like Top Gun and it’s super sexy. But he also brings his romantic side. He has a strong quartet playing for her and then he brings her to a nice romantic dinner where they really talk and get to know each other. And she responds to him. It goes great. That’s what happens when a guy listens to me!

Meanwhile Mr. Pretentious Jacka-- I’m An A--hole With My Pocket Square, gets a big yacht (meaning he has no penis) and he tries to wine and dine young Ariane, who knows he’s full of sh-- the moment he opens his mouth. And just like I suspected- he can’t keep his mouth closed for more than a second before he’s insulting her. He says he looked her up on Google, and she’s not really thirty, and she’s been lying to him. Now I know she’s really 35 -- I have her drivers license. When I screened Arianne, I saw that she was 35 which is on her paperwork -- that’s fine! That’s what I told him I was going to have at the mixer 30 and 35! I don’t really give a shit, because on the paperwork, she fit the bill for him to date. He’s rude to ask and he was a complete dick about it.

So we all know why Justin isn’t leaving my club with a girl on his arm: because Justin is in love with one thing, and that’s not money, that’s not blondes, that’s Justin. And I’m never going to set him up with a girl who’s as ugly as himself -- that’s for sure. The guy’s a waste of a good mirror. 

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