Cast Blog: #MATCHMAKER

Touchdown Marcellus

Making a Match: Crashing Chilli's Date!

Making a Match: Larry Birkhead & Melyssa Ford

Patti Turns NeNe's Bridesmaids to Brides

A Waste of a Good Mirror

Getting a Nice Guy for Rachel Uchitel

Breaking 'Matchmaker' History

Two Millionaires That Shouldn't Be Single

The Critical Dick Goes Home Alone

A Dorky Doc and a Hopeless Romantic

Carson Kressley, the Millionaire Whisperer

Patti's Vlog: Everyone Gets a Valentine!

Patti's Vlog: Patti's the Love Doctor

Patti's Vlog: Stefan Richter Tried to Date Patti!

A Bashful Beauty and a Not-So-Golden Oldie

A Shallow Old Dog and a Sweet River Rat

What Rosie Wants and a Gay Hugh Hefner

Great Expectations and the Running Man

Courtney Kerr and a Swedish Peacock

Sarcastic Cheban and a 'Man-diego' Bachelor

Sweetheart Swayze and a Virtual Phantom

Patti's Biggest, Most Tempting Mixer Yet

A Red-Hot Night for the Millionaires

Time for Some Spice: The Ginger Mixer!

Gaynor Gets the Girl (So Does Allison!)

Adam Gaynor Wins, Allison Baver Skates By

Patti Says Leave Boss at the Business

Chef K Wins One for the Lesbian Team

Mitch Berger, NFL Peter Pan, Grows Up

Johnny Out Sweets Yigit

Sweet Yigit Gets No Sugar on His Date

Just Robin Being Robin

Bye-Bye Bradley, Hello Kitty

Robin Kassner Gets Serious

The Rules According to Aimee

Matt "The Candy Man" Riviera

Time for Patti to Give Me a Raise

Skeet Shooting is a Bad Date Idea

Let the Man Be the Man on a Date

Irv's Nerve

Patti's Favorite Episode

Touchdown Marcellus

Episode 12: Bravotv.com's Associate Editor throws out her red lipstick and laces up her tennis shoes for Marcellus Wiley.

Are you ready for some football? Or are you ready for one hot football dude? Hope you are my friends, because this week Patti was matching ESPN host and amazing voice haver Marcellus Wiley. Also, a 58-year old man who’s never been in love. Oh brother. Let’s begin shall we?

Don't: Be an Interviewer
As I mentioned, Patti's got Marcellus Wiley on deck. He's adorable, has a sexy voice (Patti even admitted it got her, ahem, wet), but he asks way too many questions. Dude's a walking background check. He wants a pretty girl, but he also think the car needs gas (brains) to go. Patti tries to explain to him the system to meet a lady without interrogating her. . .

Frankly he could interrogate the crap out of me. He's so charming! And happy! How can you not love a jovial giant like that! Patti could have really phoned it in on this one because he's so easy to love. However, she's, of course, going to find him exactly what he wants, which is a woman that's bigger, better, and badder than him (it gives him wood!). This seems like a no-brainer as soon as long as he doesn't ask too many questions.

Do: Stop dating young girls
Michael is a Chippendale's entrepreneur who's looking for a young lady he can sing songs too. Young is the operative word. Even though he's 58, he likes to date in the 20s range. Patti is obviously not going to let this fly. . .

Find your Heather Lockler friend! She's out there, and you can sing songs to her and relish in the fact that she actually knows some of the musical artists you're referencing. Isn't that a novel idea?

Do: Fix your hair
Patti had a spat of women this week with especially ridiculous hair. In particular this girl who does not understand the difference between lipo and collagen.

If Patti Stanger tells you she's going to push you down the stairs, she's probably going to push you down the stairs. Take note lady! Also the way to prove you're not a transexual is not to pull your dress up. That only proves that you are a fool. . .

Do: Be European
It adds seven years to your maturity level -- and allows you to enjoy both opera and Pink as far as Patti is concerned.

Don't: Wear red lipstick
Men don't want to kiss it, says Patti. Destin delightfully disagrees.

Don't: Listen to Patti
The ladies this week surprisingly listened to Patti. All of her makeover needing candidates turned it out, and showed up for the mixer looking much less bedraggled and gross than when Patti initially found them. This lead to a fairly incident free mixer. Sure Mike was a little bummed the ladies weren't as young as he normally likes. And sure Rachel and Patti had to pull Marcellus out and remind him that a sports quiz wasn't the thing to do. You can't decide if a woman is the lady for you based on her knowledge of the Cardinals starting line-up. Nor should you give them the "Jewish Inquisition," as Michael did. 

In the end, Marcellus picked Monique, who's adorable, and Michael picked Rolana. Both gals seem appropriate/not crazy. These dates should be breezes.

Do: Add a "-licious" to the end of your screenname
No guy is going to pick Jenny. But they will of course pick "Sweet and Spicy."

Don't: Sing a lady a song
While normally I would have to call out Marcellus having a fitness date, their terrible tennis game was actually really cute. Instead, it's Michael's date that is deserving of my scorn. First he takes his date up on a hot-air balloon, which is a little terrifying for her since she's afraid of heights. But it was the barrel room and the string quartet that was a little excessive -- and then there was the song.

I know, what's wrong with me? I'm a terrible person! I hate romance. I've grown cold of heart and mind and spirit. But tell me this song wasn't a little much. The Greatest Hits album, the performance! Reign it in guy. People should not sing songs to each other until at least the third date.

 

I guess love was easy to see in her eyes, but oof. They seemed pretty happy though, even if it seems it didn't work out in the end. All in all not a bad week.

But next week is it! Patti is her own client and seeing if she can follow the rules. Frankly, I cannot wait. This has doozie written all over it.

A Waste of a Good Mirror

Patti hopes they master cloning so Justin can date himself, but she's ecstatic Michael let his inner nerd hang out.

Read Patti's full transcript after the jump!

OK. This was a week and a half!

My first client was great. Michael Sartain, an estate manager who lives in Vegas. He’s good looking, rich, polite. What’s wrong with him? Well I meet him and I realize, there really isn’t anything wrong with him. He’s stuck in Vegas, all he does is work. But it’s just not the kind of town where you’re basically going to meet a really nice girl. He goes out  to clubs, he meets club girls. He goes out to casinos, same thing same thing over and over again. This is the kind of guy who’s as comfortable walking down the strip as burying his nose in a science book. He’s really smart.  And nerdy things but he doesn’t think girls want to hear about that. He’s super super sexy science cute. That’s where I come in.

 

I tell him that the first rule to having a relationship is being yourself. And if you’re a guy who loves physics and astronomy, well you better not date a girl who wants to go out dancing every night. That’s just, stupid! You don’t have to be twins but you have to respect eachother. I told Michael that it was ok to let the inner nerd come out a little bit. And find out if that was acceptable to a girl. And he would have no problem!


On the other side of things, though, I’ve had one of my most annoying clients ever. Justin Ross Lee. J-R-L. The guy that makes narcissism look like a super power. He’s one of those guys that is just so in love with himself. Why don’t they finally master cloning and give him what he wants -- another him. Here’s the thing, with this guy he’s all bullsh--. I know he has money, he’s inherited a bunch form his parents. He’s all into the rich look and being pretentious. And if he doesn’t lose the act, and get real, he will never meet a woman he can be in a relationship with. If he really wants that, he’s so full of shit.

But I can’t say that I’m not going to try. I bring out all the tricks in my book. I ask him to nurture a plant and bring it to the mixer. He brings plastic. I ask him to lose the pretentious douche-wear. Putting on something fun and 70s for a disco mixer! He ignores me, he still wears Piccadilly pants.  I ask him to get real and actually lose his fake attitude, and ask the girls authentic questions, he acts like an asshole! So at some point, there’s not much more I can do to this guy. I can lead the horse to water, but I can't change him if he’s a horses a--.


The 70s disco mixer goes great. We’ve got like 10 disco balls and Michael’s totally into it wearing a huge wig, he’s great. Justin Ross Lee wears a stupid suit and his pocket square -- yuck. He’s getting on my nerves! I try to get him to be himself and he doesn’t f---ing budge. So I’m glad that we picked out a girl with a sense of humor who can take him down a notch. In the end he chooses Ariane and Alex. Two models, shocker, of course. For his mini dates and ends up with Arianne. Good -- shes not gonna put up with his f---ing bullsh--.

On the other side, Michael is letting his nerd hang out. He’s being honest and telling the girls what he loves to do. His science stuff. And you know what? They like him for who he is because he’s being honest about himself and telling them what he’s into. He picks two great girls. Cynthia and Andrea.

Michael takes her to a flight simulator thing where you can pick your own jet fighter and she loves it in the end, they’re shooting each other down like Top Gun and it’s super sexy. But he also brings his romantic side. He has a strong quartet playing for her and then he brings her to a nice romantic dinner where they really talk and get to know each other. And she responds to him. It goes great. That’s what happens when a guy listens to me!

Meanwhile Mr. Pretentious Jacka-- I’m An A--hole With My Pocket Square, gets a big yacht (meaning he has no penis) and he tries to wine and dine young Ariane, who knows he’s full of sh-- the moment he opens his mouth. And just like I suspected- he can’t keep his mouth closed for more than a second before he’s insulting her. He says he looked her up on Google, and she’s not really thirty, and she’s been lying to him. Now I know she’s really 35 -- I have her drivers license. When I screened Arianne, I saw that she was 35 which is on her paperwork -- that’s fine! That’s what I told him I was going to have at the mixer 30 and 35! I don’t really give a shit, because on the paperwork, she fit the bill for him to date. He’s rude to ask and he was a complete dick about it.

So we all know why Justin isn’t leaving my club with a girl on his arm: because Justin is in love with one thing, and that’s not money, that’s not blondes, that’s Justin. And I’m never going to set him up with a girl who’s as ugly as himself -- that’s for sure. The guy’s a waste of a good mirror. 

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