Cast Blog: #MATCHMAKER

Mitch Berger, NFL Peter Pan, Grows Up

Making a Match: Crashing Chilli's Date!

Making a Match: Larry Birkhead & Melyssa Ford

Patti Turns NeNe's Bridesmaids to Brides

A Waste of a Good Mirror

Getting a Nice Guy for Rachel Uchitel

Breaking 'Matchmaker' History

Two Millionaires That Shouldn't Be Single

The Critical Dick Goes Home Alone

A Dorky Doc and a Hopeless Romantic

Carson Kressley, the Millionaire Whisperer

Patti's Vlog: Everyone Gets a Valentine!

Patti's Vlog: Patti's the Love Doctor

Patti's Vlog: Stefan Richter Tried to Date Patti!

A Bashful Beauty and a Not-So-Golden Oldie

A Shallow Old Dog and a Sweet River Rat

What Rosie Wants and a Gay Hugh Hefner

Great Expectations and the Running Man

Courtney Kerr and a Swedish Peacock

Sarcastic Cheban and a 'Man-diego' Bachelor

Sweetheart Swayze and a Virtual Phantom

Patti's Biggest, Most Tempting Mixer Yet

A Red-Hot Night for the Millionaires

Time for Some Spice: The Ginger Mixer!

Gaynor Gets the Girl (So Does Allison!)

Adam Gaynor Wins, Allison Baver Skates By

Patti Says Leave Boss at the Business

Chef K Wins One for the Lesbian Team

Johnny Out Sweets Yigit

Sweet Yigit Gets No Sugar on His Date

Just Robin Being Robin

Bye-Bye Bradley, Hello Kitty

Robin Kassner Gets Serious

The Rules According to Aimee

Matt "The Candy Man" Riviera

Time for Patti to Give Me a Raise

Skeet Shooting is a Bad Date Idea

Let the Man Be the Man on a Date

Irv's Nerve

Patti's Favorite Episode

My Favorite Client Ever

Mitch Berger, NFL Peter Pan, Grows Up

Patti spills on Mitch's maturity and Joe's big mistake.

Read Patti's full transcript after the jump:Mitch is a retired kicker and punter from the NFL. You know I love the NFL! He’s been on the road for so many years that he didn’t really have time to grow up and have an actual mature, evolved relationship. We call that the Peter Pan syndrome. He settled down in Vancouver, and now he’s ready for love, marriage, and lots of babies.

Joe is a VIP event producer in LA; he puts work before love, so he hasn’t been able to find the right girl. His mom was a single mom on welfare and worked her way all the way up the food chain and now she’s a judge. He uses that as inspiration for hard work, but he also comes off as very cocky -- a huge turn-off to all girls.

I met Mitch at Nicky’s in Venice. He’s a venture capitalist now and he works for Canadian ESPN on the radio. He’s dated girls who are gold-diggers, and too young (in the past). He’s now ready to change that, and find the right woman, his own age. I met Joe at Picnic, a great place in Playa del Rey. He’s much sweeter in person than on his video, although there are moments of cockiness there. He attracts all the wrong girls, and we’ll have to tame his cocky attitude if he expects to get the right girl.

I arranged for Mitch to meet a personal friend of mine, retired NBA player and broadcaster John Sally. John gives great advice to professional athletes about settling down and finding the right woman. He tells Mitch: don’t tell the girls at the mixer that you’re from the NFL; that only draws gold-diggers. For Mitch, I’m looking for Jessica Biel types who are open to starting a family, and for Joe I’m looking for hot Eva Mendes types, who have enough going on in their own lives.

Our mixer was at True in Hollywood. Mitch chose both Melissa and Bambi. On his mini-date with Bambi, after she reveals she loves sports, he spills his secret about being an NFL player, and he picks Bambi! Joe is late for the mixer because he had to work; he’s already putting work before love (shocker). He hits it off with both Melissa and Emily, and he picks Melissa, who just may be a bit out of his league, but I’m glad he’s trying.

Mitch and Bambi go horse-back riding; they have a blast. Afterwards, he cooks her dinner at a beach house, and it’s the first time anyone has ever cooked her dinner. They pop champagne and watch the dolphins play: how romantic! Joe and Melissa meet downtown at a loft on the 33rd floor of a building. Joe introduces her to an artist named Robert Vargas who teaches them how to draw with charcoal. They drink champagne while drawing each other. For dinner he takes her to a new restaurant, and they have a great conversation.

Mitch did great; he swept Bambi off her feet. Mitch and Bambi are in love: their relationship is in full bloom and has legs, thank God. Joe didn’t do so well; the date idea was great, but he didn’t kiss her! No real chemistry. Well, at least he knows what to do for the next time.

A Waste of a Good Mirror

Patti hopes they master cloning so Justin can date himself, but she's ecstatic Michael let his inner nerd hang out.

Read Patti's full transcript after the jump!

OK. This was a week and a half!

My first client was great. Michael Sartain, an estate manager who lives in Vegas. He’s good looking, rich, polite. What’s wrong with him? Well I meet him and I realize, there really isn’t anything wrong with him. He’s stuck in Vegas, all he does is work. But it’s just not the kind of town where you’re basically going to meet a really nice girl. He goes out  to clubs, he meets club girls. He goes out to casinos, same thing same thing over and over again. This is the kind of guy who’s as comfortable walking down the strip as burying his nose in a science book. He’s really smart.  And nerdy things but he doesn’t think girls want to hear about that. He’s super super sexy science cute. That’s where I come in.

 

I tell him that the first rule to having a relationship is being yourself. And if you’re a guy who loves physics and astronomy, well you better not date a girl who wants to go out dancing every night. That’s just, stupid! You don’t have to be twins but you have to respect eachother. I told Michael that it was ok to let the inner nerd come out a little bit. And find out if that was acceptable to a girl. And he would have no problem!


On the other side of things, though, I’ve had one of my most annoying clients ever. Justin Ross Lee. J-R-L. The guy that makes narcissism look like a super power. He’s one of those guys that is just so in love with himself. Why don’t they finally master cloning and give him what he wants -- another him. Here’s the thing, with this guy he’s all bullsh--. I know he has money, he’s inherited a bunch form his parents. He’s all into the rich look and being pretentious. And if he doesn’t lose the act, and get real, he will never meet a woman he can be in a relationship with. If he really wants that, he’s so full of shit.

But I can’t say that I’m not going to try. I bring out all the tricks in my book. I ask him to nurture a plant and bring it to the mixer. He brings plastic. I ask him to lose the pretentious douche-wear. Putting on something fun and 70s for a disco mixer! He ignores me, he still wears Piccadilly pants.  I ask him to get real and actually lose his fake attitude, and ask the girls authentic questions, he acts like an asshole! So at some point, there’s not much more I can do to this guy. I can lead the horse to water, but I can't change him if he’s a horses a--.


The 70s disco mixer goes great. We’ve got like 10 disco balls and Michael’s totally into it wearing a huge wig, he’s great. Justin Ross Lee wears a stupid suit and his pocket square -- yuck. He’s getting on my nerves! I try to get him to be himself and he doesn’t f---ing budge. So I’m glad that we picked out a girl with a sense of humor who can take him down a notch. In the end he chooses Ariane and Alex. Two models, shocker, of course. For his mini dates and ends up with Arianne. Good -- shes not gonna put up with his f---ing bullsh--.

On the other side, Michael is letting his nerd hang out. He’s being honest and telling the girls what he loves to do. His science stuff. And you know what? They like him for who he is because he’s being honest about himself and telling them what he’s into. He picks two great girls. Cynthia and Andrea.

Michael takes her to a flight simulator thing where you can pick your own jet fighter and she loves it in the end, they’re shooting each other down like Top Gun and it’s super sexy. But he also brings his romantic side. He has a strong quartet playing for her and then he brings her to a nice romantic dinner where they really talk and get to know each other. And she responds to him. It goes great. That’s what happens when a guy listens to me!

Meanwhile Mr. Pretentious Jacka-- I’m An A--hole With My Pocket Square, gets a big yacht (meaning he has no penis) and he tries to wine and dine young Ariane, who knows he’s full of sh-- the moment he opens his mouth. And just like I suspected- he can’t keep his mouth closed for more than a second before he’s insulting her. He says he looked her up on Google, and she’s not really thirty, and she’s been lying to him. Now I know she’s really 35 -- I have her drivers license. When I screened Arianne, I saw that she was 35 which is on her paperwork -- that’s fine! That’s what I told him I was going to have at the mixer 30 and 35! I don’t really give a shit, because on the paperwork, she fit the bill for him to date. He’s rude to ask and he was a complete dick about it.

So we all know why Justin isn’t leaving my club with a girl on his arm: because Justin is in love with one thing, and that’s not money, that’s not blondes, that’s Justin. And I’m never going to set him up with a girl who’s as ugly as himself -- that’s for sure. The guy’s a waste of a good mirror. 

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