Hello to all of the fans of RHOBH.
This week's episode was another exercise in emotion for me I did know that watching the show throughout the season would be difficult for me at times. I am constantly bombarded with the bad memories of the demise of my marriage. I knew that old memories and emotions would be stirred up. What I didn't expect was to actually see and remember the clues that I didn't understand at that time. My marriage was about to come to an abrupt end. This week's episode had this heart wrenching effect on me: it was the scene where I am talking to my best friend Dedra about a phone conversation I just had with my husband.
Just to explain a little bit of background for you: the plan for our family had always been for Kelsey to move to New York City by himself in February and start the rehearsals for the play. He said he wanted to go out on his own for the first few months because the rehearsal schedule was very grueling, and he wouldn't have much time or energy to give the family the needed attention we deserve. To move then would involve taking the kids out of school and bringing them cross-country to a new school in the middle of the school year, and during the cold East Coast winter. I would have, of course, done this if he had wanted us there. But under the circumstances it made the most sense for him to leave without us, for the kids to finish the school year and to join him once school let out for the summer. I flew to New York City in February to search with Kelsey for an apartment, as well as to find a school for the kids. They were to participate in a summer school program during July, and then enroll at their new school in the fall. We agreed upon staying through February 2011 until Kelsey finished his run with the play. At that time we would return to Malibu, our friends, and our lives of the last 13 years.
Now back to the phone conversation, Kelsey told me that he had decided he wanted to move to New York full time. He said he felt appreciated there, and he gave me his reasons for wanting to make this move permanent. During the conversation he never once mentioned the impact the move would have on our family. Although I had no real interest in moving back to the East Coast at this time in my life, my biggest concern was uprooting our family. My children are happy here and they have friends and activities that fulfill an important part of their lives. But I assure you, if it was important enough to my husband to do this in his life, I would have supported him and moved. Not because it would have been the easy thing to do, but because I loved him and wanted him to be happy too. Now as I look back on this phone call I realize it was a pivotal moment in my life, and that left me so uneasy. The conversation was fraught with unsaid words and feelings. He was dropping hints, but nothing concrete. At the time it left me sleepless and without appetite. My mind was spinning as it was all new to me. I didn't know what was real, what was imagined, or what I may have misunderstood. What do I share with friends and family? Who do I turn to? It was so confusing, overwhelming, and troublesome.