Cast Blog: #RHOBH

Good Vibrations

Episode 9: Bravotv.com's Associate Editor hands out accolades to the guests and performers at Mohamed's party.

Hello Beverly Hills lovers. I can't believe you answered my call, er, recap. I guess you love me more than Lisa Vanderpump. (Just kidding Lisa, I think the lack of ladies answering you phone was just a fluke. They were probably just all driving through tunnels and getting terrible reception.) The quotient of oddities in this episode is so high I'm frankly unsure of how to even recap it. I mean, just look at this:

You have a camel (a better behaved one than the one the Countess rode), a mermaid (an especially vocal one at that), drum circles, strange dancing, people sliding down banisters, secret bedrooms, Kyle Richards showing that she is exceptionally flexible, Mohamed's fembot girlfriend. . . I could go on and on. Truly in the cannon of Housewives parties, this leaps to the forefront.

Thus, instead of the usual recap, I've decided to hand out awards this week. There is simply too much greatness at this shindig to not spotlight all the delights and wonders therein. Come as I highlight the most amazing moments of this Moroccan-style evening.

First a non-party related award -- Best anesthesiologist look-a-like for Marky Marky: Paul's. Let me just put this out there Dr. Nassif -- if Kim doesn't want him, feel free to set him up with me. Despite not knowing what the half of his face that was covered by the surgical mask looks like, I'll date him. I'm sure if anything was less than ideal under there, you fixed it. Also, plase say hi to Mark Wahlberg's mother for me.

Worst Backpack: As Lisa was desperately trying to get the whole family to look their best for Pandora's engagement party, Max was nowhere to be found. And when he did arrive he was wearing a book bag. Lisa's shock at his satchel was truly hilarious. She was seriously disturbed by him wearing a backpack, and asked him why he was doing so about 70 times. It could have been that his pants were also sagging, but really why did he have that backpack on? Lisa needs to know!

Deserving of Acknowledgment: Lisa's husband Ken, oh darling Ken. When Lisa presented Pandora with an incredible necklace, made from a bracelet Ken had given her, and reminded her that mommy would always love her, Ken felt a little forgotten. His gentle reminder of "What about me? I'm paying for the wedding!" was precious. Of course, he did assert himself by giving Jason an amazing watch, so the lovebirds (parents and kids) were adored equally in the end.

Best Arrival: Camille, for gently nuzzling the camel and letting him know she understands him.

Close runner-up: Taylor, for really being a trooper despite her fear of snakes (and maybe camels). You made it in there honey, and that's half the battle.

Most Dedicated Performer: The mermaid. She was, as Camille said, really flopping around out there. Also she was the one who slid down the banister, which is just a nice way to remind people that the party is downstairs. "Come on down, the tent is just warming up. Let me show you the way by tightly clutching the railing and slowly careening down the banister."

Best Reaction: Adrienne for popping up with appropriate disgust and confusion when Taylor asked if she called Paul "daddy" during sex. The internet needs to make that a GIF immediately. Also, as Taylor mentioned, "Where is Daddy?" I'd love to see the gent who earned this moniker from his wife.

Awkwardest: Taylor and Lisa's interaction. I hope the mermaid kept these two apart as much as possible, because their tete-a-tete at the fete was icy. Time will tell how these two work it out, but it definitely won't be at this party, no matter how many animals and faux fish-people tried to help smooth things over.

Best Drumming: Camille. We knew she had rhythm, but dang girl. Perhaps you should start a cross Housewives band. The Countess does love a good drum accompaniment.

Best Reason to Miss the Party: Because you're vibin' with your secret boyfriend. Kim is packing not just to move -- but to move in with her man. And -- quell surprise! – Kyle has never met the fellow.

The greatest revelation in this scene, to me, was that they met at the mailbox. Perhaps this is why I'm single, as an apartment dweller I don't have mailboxes to hang around and wait for men to possibly date.

Princess and the Pea-est: Paul. The mattress is lumpy? Sorry Mohamed didn't know your sleep number when he installed his secret bed. I'm sure he'll do better next time.

Most Flexible: Kyle Richards. I mean just watch.

I mean, that was something.

Most like Dave Navarro: This guy.

real-housewives-of-beverly-hills-season-

Next week the ladies do even more pampering at "Paul's Night of Beauty" and the ladies contact the other side in a séance. I don't think you need a Ouija board to know that it's going to be awesome.

Eileen: Trouble Is Brewing

Eileen discusses Adrienne's party and gives us an idea for a new drinking game.

This week, we’re all back home and the dust is settling. Sort of.

It broke my heart seeing Lisa R., Harry, and their girls take down their swing set! When we did the same with Jesse we felt that way. It’s such a powerful symbol of growing up and I think it’s so sweet that they celebrated the new chapter in their lives in that way.

I’m excited to go to Adrienne’s party! I wanted to have fun and enjoy a night out with my husband and friends. The party is beautiful, and Adrienne is a fantastic hostess. I was hoping to get to know her better but that was not to be. Trouble is brewing. Like I said in last week’s blog, maybe Lisa R. shouldn’t have approached Kyle about what Brandi said so soon after Amsterdam. But then again, we’ve already seen the worst, right? In Amsterdam? I hope?

Sure enough Kim confronts Lisa R. about what Brandi said during their lunch. Lisa is reticent, and understandably so, to discuss this. She’s dodging the issue, but maybe just saying what she said to Kyle would help everybody stop playing these games! Lisa R. being vague is not helping the situation and Kim leaves, apparently thinking that Kyle lied about it. Yolanda, Lisa V., Kyle, and I try to make Lisa understand she has to tell Kim what Brandi said. She gets it, and God bless her, she does go to talk to Kim. And when she does? Kim is dismissive and doesn’t want to hear it! OMG! Well, this is the definition of a lose/lose situation for everybody! Now, I’m just exhausted from even witnessing this. No one is listening or being honest, and it will never get resolved at this rate.

I think Brandi is having a bit of a memory problem about what was discussed.

Eileen Davidson

Brandi is clearly distraught about her father’s health. Now is not the time to have emotionally charged conversations with anybody. I see Lisa V. trying to help, but the drama is so high right now, it doesn’t seem to be calming anything down. Brandi keeps insisting she’s fine, when clearly she’s not. Maybe she shouldn’t have come to this party, at all, under the circumstances?

Kim and Brandi finally sit down. Kim tells Brandi what Kyle said Lisa R. said. I think Brandi is having a bit of a memory problem about what was discussed. The bottom line is if she had told Kim everything that she said to Lisa R. during their lunch, that major blow-up probably never would have happened in Amsterdam. And Kim? Well, she doesn’t seem to want to do any digging at all into what Brandi really, entirely said and just gives her a big fat pass. Now, Lisa R. is apologizing AGAIN. WHY, people, WHY? I propose a Real Housewives Drinking Game: take a shot every time Lisa R. unnecessarily apologizes to Brandi and Kim (and you better have a designated driver, because you’ll be really, really drunk).

It’s the end of the night and the end of this season of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. What a journey it has been. I’ve made some good friends, had lots of adventures, lots of laughs, and, frankly, witnessed way too many fights. It surely has been one hell of a ride! And one I will not soon forget.

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