Cast Blog: #RHOBH

The Recap of Beauty

Episode 10: Bravotv.com's Associate Editor applauds Lisa's impersonation skills, Kyle's muffin top, and the visiting spirits.

Welcome to the Recap of Beauty. Here we don't have minor surgical procedures, but we do have a full breakdown on this episode and my telling you that you look pretty. Almost the same thing as Paul's Night of Beauty, really. Anyway, let's channel the spirits of this episode’s séance and recap, shall we?

My Muffin Top is All That
Like all great episodes we begin with a muffin top, as Kyle shows Paul her love handles in hopes that they can be eradicated at his "Night of Beauty." This reminded me, of course, of my second all-time favorite fictitious 30 Rock song, "Muffin Top." ("Werewolf Bat Mitzvah" will always be first.) I understand Kyle being nervous to show off her muffin top, but I'm sure it's "all that, whole-grain, and low-fat," just like Jenna Maroney's.

Those with a categorical knowledge of Housewives procedures will recognize the muffin top machine from RHOA's Kim's laser pizza procedure. It's nice to see the technology is prevalent on both coasts, and even better to see someone using it while not noshing one a few slices in the process.

The rest of the ladies have a few nips and snips as well -- with Lisa and Taylor continuing their troubled relationship. Lisa tries to bring up Russell's email, but Taylor's off in a hurry, so they'll save that tussle for another day.

And then, Kim Richards arrives, after having her consult with Paul from the car. I'll get to her excuses about not attending the séance shortly, but needless to say she and Kyle aren't exactly acting like Casper the Friendly Ghost to each other. Before they get to work (and Kim kicks Kyle out for being too motherly), Kim and Paul discuss her current medications, and how she feels being sober. Honestly, it was really touching to see Kim speak about her sobriety, and it’s great to know that she’s in a good place.

(Hey, you look pretty.)

Lisa Vanderpump, Master Impressionist
Lisa is a talent at many things -- throwing parties and general hostessing, being English, singing reggae songs, having an amazing dog -- but one talent I was not aware of was her ability to perfectly impersonate Kim Richards. Since this episode deals so much with the spirit realm, I do wonder if her skill is mystical in some way. Perhaps she's pulling Kim's spirit right into herself and spitting her excuses out, because look at this. . .

And as if that weren't enough, Lisa proved that she had another trick up her sleeve. Playing a pitch-perfect Allison DuBois at the séance. The woman is practically Darrell Hammond! Someone get her a gig on SNL. At the very least get her a walk on during a Kristen Wiig sketch. Imagine that delight if you will. She’d make a great Target Lady.

(I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again, you look pretty.)

The Spirit Room
If you're a fan of Housewives shows, and I'm assuming you are because you’re reading this, you might have noticed a major trend in the use of psychics. I’m not sure any one class of people supports the psychic arts as much as The Real Housewives do. I personally have never been invited to a séance, and I’ve got to say watching this one in particular, I’m pretty miffed about it -- because it looks awesome.

Big reveals left and right! Lisa's grandmother was at the Dinner Party from Hell, as it turns out, Adrienne's father is watching out for her, Brandi might have another tot in her future, Kyle and Brandi are actually getting along (that’s not even a vision, it's actually true), Kyle was Kim's mother in a past life, and Camille has a new man in her future (and this one has already come true! Kudos Camille!). Not too shabby. Also, now all their spirit friends are buddy-buddy, whether Lisa likes who her grandmother is hanging out with or not.

Frankly, if we could pull out a Ouija board and Stevie-Nicks style flowy top and contact the spirit world to get this much information each week, I would be down.

The last nugget of intel we learn this week did not take a seer. It came straight from Kim's mouth as she finally revealed what she's been keeping a secret from Kyle -- she's seeing someone, has been for a year, and is moving in with him.

Dadgum, as I like to say.

Kyle tries to take the news like a champ, but struggles. It is pretty shocking, and as happy for Kim as she knows she should, she sort of loses it. . .

Which means it's the perfect time to introduce them! Yay!

And so between this big meeting and a tea party that trumps anything tiff you've had with your teddy bears, next week things might get a little intense. I'd suggest you brew yourself a batch of chamomile in advance. But hey, don't forget -- you look really pretty.

Brandi: You Can't Confirm What Didn't Happen

Brandi questions some of the ladies' motives, plus gives an interesting update on her relationship with LeAnn. 

Hey, My Bravoistas!

I’m in my American Airlines' seat 36 hours later, flying back home from NYC, thankful to be on a safe path home. My prayers go out to the families and loved ones of the downed German airliner in the French Alps this morning. I cannot imagine the pain being experienced by these families at this moment, which shockingly has led me to add a new person into my flight prayer today...my children’s stepmom. Don’t get me wrong--not everything is yet copasetic, but my children love her, so she is now in the “flight prayer,” differences aside. Now on a happier RHOBH note, last night’s WWHL with Andy was sooooo fun! No drama for once!

NEWS FLASH! Please watch for my new Sonoma County Chardonnay “Unfiltered Blonde,” to launch in April!

As I look over this past season, all I can say is it’s been an odd one. There were so many fun moments that got lost in the drama and so many weeks of fun you never saw at all. I wish you had, but I'm not in control of everything we get to see. I’d like to remember having fun with Kim “stalking” my now boyfriend J.R. That was such a crazy fun girls' night, Lisa R. being chased by killer bees, Yolanda and her Facetime confusion and meeting her family for the second time this--time in Holland, the Foster Foundation Extravaganza, “singing” at Lisa V.’s birthday party, and Kyle pretending to be a caring sister and owning yachts and planes…haha.
Ok, I’ll behave.

Here we are at the last episode of the season, yet, it seems most are still stuck in the beginning. I wish we weren’t, and I would dearly like to leave “Poker Night” behind. However, one person continues to make it the focal point of every interaction from when it happened and far into the three-part reunion.

This episode opens with Rinna tearing down a swing set, but her home interviews are still about what she perceives as Kim’s issues to be, not the actual touching moment of what the swing set tear-down symbolizes or her own family (I can't wait for her daughters to write their Brooke Shields-style memoir when they are age appropriate). LR says she feels sorry for Kim and cares about Kim and wishes Kim well. The truth is a lot less pretty. Some people have been attacking Kim’s sobriety online this week, but we won’t name names. BTW, Kim is sober and not online. She is busy caring for serious ill family members and driving back and forth to doctors and hospitals and being strong for her family.

Next we see Nicky Hilton’s book signing--sister Paris and mom Kathy Hilton are there. Looks like a great party and congrats to Nicky on her style book. Camille looks gorgeous as usual. Kyle angrily flips her hair, because Kim was wearing a shirt that she carries at “her” shop, but didn’t buy it there...whatever. Then Kyle whispers about her sister Kim to Lisa V. and Camille.
Kyle then tells them she is confused and impatient that Kim hasn’t confronted me over her third-hand Lisa R. gossip. She states Kim WILL be hurt and broken hearted over what “I” said… Kyle seems way too overy excited about that happening, which I find kind creepy. Why would anyone WANT their sister to be hurt or in pain?!

The preparations for Adrienne’s party are in full swing next. Lisa V. is fretting it, Kim is casually discussing the intervention GOSSIP with her makeup artist before the party, I’m getting ready and waiting for my friends and my date.

Adrienne’s party is the big finale of our journey this year. Everyone is there, and Adrienne always excels at events. So here we go. First off, my mind was not on the party at all. My father was recently hospitalized, and I didn’t leave his side for two weeks. It was very serious, but I had to return home to my boys. He was still not conscious, but I needed to get home to run my household--a party was the last place I wanted to be, but I had promised. That’s why I decided to bring the few people that I felt I could depend on in that moment. My friends and J.R. have been there for me during my father’s health scare and over more then a month of hospitalization--that was and is what remains what’s important to me.

The party seems like it was fun for a lot of people who weren’t involved in Kyle and Lisa. R.’s drama. I wish I were one of them, but in a way I was. As much as Kyle relished telling Kim the hurtful gossip she heard from LR, what she wanted to happen didn’t happen. There was no argument between Kim and I. We were happy to see each other. We spoke easily. I was busy worrying about my Dad; she was busy with her family.

What we saw on the finale was an efficient Kim quietly confronting Lisa R., then leaving Lisa R.'s table somewhat amused. Lisa R. couldn’t confirm the veracity of her gossip, because I DIDN’T SAY IT. Thanks again to Bravo for showing the truth in a flashback last week.

So, Kim knew who was who and what was what. The entertainment of the night was provided by Lisa R. going radio silent while Kyle begged for corroboration on her dramatic intervention gossip. Watching Yolanda, Eileen, and Lisa V. urge Lisa R. to support Kyle and verify her hurtful gossip was almost amusing. You can't confirm what didn't happen, can you?

In the end, I left the party early. Why? Not because of a past friendship with Lisa V. It's not her that made me cry--I was crying for my father, my dad! I was in no place to be at a superficial party, discussing a superficial incident with a person who was clearly not a friend, not that night. I said I would show up, and I did. After that, I wanted to be with my real close friends and family. Since this party my dad came out of the ICU and after 2 entire months and after a long stressful time I want to thank Dr. Allen Morris and all the doctors and nurses at Mercy General Hospital of Sacramento for saving my dad's life yet agin for the second time in 15 years. He is doing much better and continuing his hope of a full recovery. I am so thankful to all the people who were there for me and continue to be here for my family and I.

THAT is what life’s about, being with the people who truly love and care about you and the feelings are reciprocated.

As you hear, at the end of the finale, I am wistful, yet, wiser, and I think in a stronger place. I love and loved being there for Kim and being Kim’s friend, and I love that she was, is, and has been here for me. Even more so, I'm grateful and blessed to have Yolanda in my life; she is no bullsh--. Even when suffering herself, she is still so selfless. Yo is very special to me, I love her, she gets me, we have fun together, and I value every moment we spend together. I always will. As for the rest, I hope to share laughs and fun again, maybe tears, but hopefully only joy.

Peace Out. (deuces MFs--JK)

XOXO,

B

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