Housewives Actually Go Wild

Ep 5:'s Editor tries to make sense of the literal mud-slinging, arm wrestling, and do-si-do-ing in Ojai.

Let's be real Housewives fans. We've probably said that the girls have gone wild before. I'm sure I've put the phrase on this fair website countless times. Surely, it could have been used about Season 2's Game Night or the Malibu Beach dust-up or Season 1's Dinner Party from Hell.

However, tonight's episode was the actual closest approximation to the Joe Francis-coined usage of the term I've ever seen.

The ladies were loose! They were driving golf carts around at not-street-safe speeds. They were arm wrestling! They were flinging water at each other. It was like the camp counselors had gone to the city for the day and left the kids unattended. In short: they were adorable.

Let's try to make sense of all the good times, shall we?

Everyday I Write the Book
Of course, we didn't begin this episode in a good place. Instead we began with STFU-gate, and the ladies reacting to Brandi's outburst. Kim and Brandi took their tete-a-tete to the ladies room and managed to keep their goodwill flowing, but the rest of the gals were aghast about Brandi's language (despite Lisa mentioning that Brandi saying the "f-word" is basically the equivalent of her taking a breath).

Once everyone manages to get back to the table, Brandi apologizes for her language (not her interjection) and then deflects by changing her subject to her book deal. . .Perhaps they should have stuck with the prior conversation.

Yeah, sometimes meditation just isn't enough. Those pesky chakras just won't get into line between Taylor and Brandi. Maybe an autographed copy of her future tome will smooth things over?

Shut Up and Drive
The next morning the gals head out for some athletic endeavors. Before they head off to hike, we check in on Lisa and Brandi's twin beds. As you'd imagine, they're having a precious argument about who snores more disgustingly. Once they move off of their mutual piggy snores, Lisa tries to explain what a "gift" Brandi's comment was. Brandi explains that she's got some other axes to grind with Adrienne at the moment, leading me to believe that STFU was an all encompassing put-down.

Next the ladies lay eyes on the two most glamorous golf carts in the land. Did you know Bentley golf carts are able to off-road? As it turns out they are. Also, Kyle Richards is still afraid of most modes of transportation.

Next, the 'Wives attempt to play badminton. Surprise: they ladies skills are questionable. Not as Lisa's choice of footwear, but pretty underwhelming in the serve department.

Their Name is Mud
After all that fitness, the gals deserved to relax. So off to a soothing spa treatment they went. Kim has found her spiritual renaissance in clay. You can't get closer to God than letting the only thing between you and full nudity be clay, she remarks. Taylor remarks that this new sober Kim is just as wacky as the old one. Honey, I could have told you Richards was an individual all the way through years ago.

And then the rubdown begins. I say rubdown, without fear of over-stating anything because this was the most vaguely Sapphic thing we've put on the airwaves in some time. But before things could get actually sexual, the whole process devolved into a towel-throwing, water-spilling fight for the ages. For a second I thought someone had changed the channel and Porky's was on.

Oh Baby
After a much calmer dinner where the ladies discuss Yolanda's baby lamb treatments and the details of several of the women's childbirths (yes, really). The gals get head back to the room for some cocktails, shots of Patron specifically. Kim and Yolanda retire to bed, not before Kim accidentally tells Brandi she loves her, which might have been one of the most delightful Freudian slips in history. Let it come true God! Please let Kim love Brandi.

After that, things went like you would expect --- some arm wrestling and full press wrestling. Note: Adrienne cheats. Also, in case you're doing this at home, Taylor gave us her tips so you can wrestle like a Real Housewife.

This then devolved into gymnastics and underwearing switching. Did anyone else see Adrienne change clothes like three times? Woman could not find the proper outfit to flip in. Also, can we believe that Kyle didn't do the splits? Also, what was that knee-high jumping, do-si-do dance the ladies did? What was that? My brain can't even take what just went on. All I know is I wanted to get right out of my chair and do it with them.

But sadly, like cartwheels one must get back on their feet and back to Beverly Hills. And so the ladies pack their exclusively Louis Vuitton luggage and head home. Spending the majority of their car ride forcing Lisa to speak in an American accent. Note: I will now drive in a car with Lisa Vanderpump anywhere.

Sadly the car ride wasn't only a lesson in dialects. STFU-gate once again became the topic, leading Brandi to ponder a sit down, hash-out with Adrienne. However, from the looks of the previews that doesn't come soon enough.

Until then, what was your favorite moment in Ojai? Shots? Yolanda's driving? Kim accidentally professing her love for Brandi? Camille's gymnastic prowess?



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