Cast Blog: #RHOBH

Housewives Actually Go Wild

Ep 5: Bravotv.com's Editor tries to make sense of the literal mud-slinging, arm wrestling, and do-si-do-ing in Ojai.

Let's be real Housewives fans. We've probably said that the girls have gone wild before. I'm sure I've put the phrase on this fair website countless times. Surely, it could have been used about Season 2's Game Night or the Malibu Beach dust-up or Season 1's Dinner Party from Hell.

However, tonight's episode was the actual closest approximation to the Joe Francis-coined usage of the term I've ever seen.

The ladies were loose! They were driving golf carts around at not-street-safe speeds. They were arm wrestling! They were flinging water at each other. It was like the camp counselors had gone to the city for the day and left the kids unattended. In short: they were adorable.

Let's try to make sense of all the good times, shall we?

Everyday I Write the Book
Of course, we didn't begin this episode in a good place. Instead we began with STFU-gate, and the ladies reacting to Brandi's outburst. Kim and Brandi took their tete-a-tete to the ladies room and managed to keep their goodwill flowing, but the rest of the gals were aghast about Brandi's language (despite Lisa mentioning that Brandi saying the "f-word" is basically the equivalent of her taking a breath).

Once everyone manages to get back to the table, Brandi apologizes for her language (not her interjection) and then deflects by changing her subject to her book deal. . .Perhaps they should have stuck with the prior conversation.

Yeah, sometimes meditation just isn't enough. Those pesky chakras just won't get into line between Taylor and Brandi. Maybe an autographed copy of her future tome will smooth things over?

Shut Up and Drive
The next morning the gals head out for some athletic endeavors. Before they head off to hike, we check in on Lisa and Brandi's twin beds. As you'd imagine, they're having a precious argument about who snores more disgustingly. Once they move off of their mutual piggy snores, Lisa tries to explain what a "gift" Brandi's comment was. Brandi explains that she's got some other axes to grind with Adrienne at the moment, leading me to believe that STFU was an all encompassing put-down.

Next the ladies lay eyes on the two most glamorous golf carts in the land. Did you know Bentley golf carts are able to off-road? As it turns out they are. Also, Kyle Richards is still afraid of most modes of transportation.

Next, the 'Wives attempt to play badminton. Surprise: they ladies skills are questionable. Not as Lisa's choice of footwear, but pretty underwhelming in the serve department.

Their Name is Mud
After all that fitness, the gals deserved to relax. So off to a soothing spa treatment they went. Kim has found her spiritual renaissance in clay. You can't get closer to God than letting the only thing between you and full nudity be clay, she remarks. Taylor remarks that this new sober Kim is just as wacky as the old one. Honey, I could have told you Richards was an individual all the way through years ago.

And then the rubdown begins. I say rubdown, without fear of over-stating anything because this was the most vaguely Sapphic thing we've put on the airwaves in some time. But before things could get actually sexual, the whole process devolved into a towel-throwing, water-spilling fight for the ages. For a second I thought someone had changed the channel and Porky's was on.

Oh Baby
After a much calmer dinner where the ladies discuss Yolanda's baby lamb treatments and the details of several of the women's childbirths (yes, really). The gals get head back to the room for some cocktails, shots of Patron specifically. Kim and Yolanda retire to bed, not before Kim accidentally tells Brandi she loves her, which might have been one of the most delightful Freudian slips in history. Let it come true God! Please let Kim love Brandi.

After that, things went like you would expect --- some arm wrestling and full press wrestling. Note: Adrienne cheats. Also, in case you're doing this at home, Taylor gave us her tips so you can wrestle like a Real Housewife.

This then devolved into gymnastics and underwearing switching. Did anyone else see Adrienne change clothes like three times? Woman could not find the proper outfit to flip in. Also, can we believe that Kyle didn't do the splits? Also, what was that knee-high jumping, do-si-do dance the ladies did? What was that? My brain can't even take what just went on. All I know is I wanted to get right out of my chair and do it with them.

But sadly, like cartwheels one must get back on their feet and back to Beverly Hills. And so the ladies pack their exclusively Louis Vuitton luggage and head home. Spending the majority of their car ride forcing Lisa to speak in an American accent. Note: I will now drive in a car with Lisa Vanderpump anywhere.

Sadly the car ride wasn't only a lesson in dialects. STFU-gate once again became the topic, leading Brandi to ponder a sit down, hash-out with Adrienne. However, from the looks of the previews that doesn't come soon enough.

Until then, what was your favorite moment in Ojai? Shots? Yolanda's driving? Kim accidentally professing her love for Brandi? Camille's gymnastic prowess?

 

 

Lisa R.: I Am Done With Kim Richards

Lisa Rinna discusses her confrontation with Kim and dispenses some advice from her experiences this season.

We did it. We managed to get through Season 5 of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills without anyone going to prison! It got close at times, but thankfully, we did it. I went into this promising myself I would tell the truth, own my sh--, and always, ALWAYS come from a place of authenticity. Much like everyone else, I am human, and I make mistakes. Sometimes, I act on emotion before really allowing myself time to process, and that can lead me to say or do things that I’m not always proud of. But I make sure to own what I say and do, learn from the mistake, and hopefully grow into a better person because of it.

So, we start off with an emotional glimpse into my family life. It’s time to take down the beloved swingset we have loved and heavily used for nearly 13 years. There were so many wonderful memories attached to that swingset that we will cherish forever and how what a poignant representation of the end of our girls’ childhood as we know it. I wish we could have given it to another family to use and love as much as we did, but unfortunately it was made of wood and had become a hazard by this point. It was just too dangerous to pass along to another family, or else that’s exactly what we would have done. Watching my family during this transitional phase only reiterates just how important each of them is to me. I am fiercely protective of my husband and girls and will not tolerate anyone trying to falsely tarnish the love we all have for one another. The fact that this was even attempted that first night in Amsterdam was both an injustice and violation to my family and me. As a matter of fact, it’s such an injustice, that as we all saw, my inner Dalai Lama moved aside to let my inner gangster take over!

“Don’t let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace.” -Dalai Lama

On to Adrienne’s party…I feel like I need to remind you that I was done, done, DONE with Kim Richards at this point. I went to this party with zero intentions of talking TO Kim, ABOUT Kim, and definitely nothing around Kim’s forbidden topic of sobriety. I have been scolded, yelled at, and thrown really f---ing hard into the lion’s den about it, so for my own sanity and peace of mind I. Had. To. Be. Done.

Rather quickly, it became quite evident that Kim was out to hurt Kyle.

Lisa Rinna

Now keep this in mind as I see Kim Richards walking toward me with a certain look of misguided determination in her eyes. When she sits down and asks me to talk about her sobriety, I honestly think I died a little inside. Was this for real? Was I being set up? What kind of warped reality did I find myself in at that moment when Kim was in front of me demanding I talk about "the situation" yet again?! Oh yeah, no way was I going to become a pawn in her weird little mind game. Rather quickly, it became quite evident that Kim was out to hurt Kyle. Kim was making it very clear that she chose not to believe what Kyle had told her, and she was trying to drag me in to help take down her sister. Let’s be real here for just a moment: We all know Kim doesn’t like, trust, or want to be around me at all, so why does she need my confirmation or validation of the conversation? Kim was going to hear exactly what she wanted to hear, regardless of anything I said, because that’s exactly what she does with everything anyway.

Nope. Not gonna play into Kim’s games for a second. I needed to stay honest to myself by not discussing Kim’s sobriety, and unfortunately that resulted in agitating and pissing everyone else off. Listen, I completely understood that both Kyle and Eileen had their opinions and strong need for me to justify Kim’s questions, but the “she said this and she said that” back and forth was just too much. Like I mentioned in last week’s blog, I did what Brandi asked by going to Kyle with this information, and it was now up to the Richards sisters to figure out.

Until I felt an overwhelming feeling that I wasn’t taking Kyle and Eileen’s side. I wanted to support them, so I confirmed the conversation only because Kyle needed me to. Not because Kim wanted me to. Big difference. So, I put aside my own opinion and point of view to support Kyle, since she felt so strongly about it. Walking over to Kim, only to have her shush me and snap at me and speak to me as if I were a child, was only allowing for more red flags to fly. As you saw, I took it in stride and temporarily buried it, but I really don’t do well with people talking to me in such a disrespectful way.

The two different times I spoke to Kim about it that evening, once with Brandi and once without, I felt the need to remind everyone around me that the conversations we’ve all had about Kim were always from a good place, a place of concern and worry, much like what Brandi and Kim apparently only reserve for their own friendship. I never had any intentions of making Brandi look bad during our lunch conversation, because I really felt she was speaking from the heart about her friend, Kim. It’s just a shame that she didn’t feel the same about my role in the conversation, and, yet again, she denies what was actually said. But I guess you live and you learn, and you slowly start to identify a person’s true colors, which is all just a part of this process.

It’s important to mention that I was also concerned for Brandi and her father. I had reached out to her about her father at that time, because I know how hard it is to have a parent with ailing health, and I was sympathetic to the obvious pain she was in. Though much like I remind my daughters as they navigate their young social lives, it’s important to treat others as you would like to be treated. Speak to others as you would like to be spoken to, and never allow your pain and unhappiness to be an avenue to lash out and hurt others.

I am still left bewildered and baffled with absolutely no closure from that party. I was just kind of left sitting there at the party dumbfounded by the turn of events and also by the way I was treated by Kim Richards. It’s so not OK to speak to people the way she does. That said, I do think Monty is a very sweet man, and I absolutely wish him the best.

So, off we go into a three-part reunion beginning next week. You’ve seen the previews by now, and it’s every bit as crazy as you’re thinking it will be. Lots of tears and screaming and F-bombs, and that’s just from Andy! Just kidding. But seriously, it was a nightmare of epic proportions, like a roller coaster you were trapped on for 10 hours. I’ve never experienced anything like it...

Thank you for reading my blog this season and really making me feel welcomed to the show. I had no idea that I would be embraced by such a great community of fans, so for that, I am forever grateful! Keep tweeting me so I don’t miss you all too much!

“Say how you feel, find your passion, love with every ounce of your bones, stand up for things that matter, don’t settle, don’t apologize for who you are... Be f---ing brave”

Until next time…

XO,

LR

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