Cast Blog: #RHOBH

Housewives Actually Go Wild

Ep 5: Bravotv.com's Editor tries to make sense of the literal mud-slinging, arm wrestling, and do-si-do-ing in Ojai.

Let's be real Housewives fans. We've probably said that the girls have gone wild before. I'm sure I've put the phrase on this fair website countless times. Surely, it could have been used about Season 2's Game Night or the Malibu Beach dust-up or Season 1's Dinner Party from Hell.

However, tonight's episode was the actual closest approximation to the Joe Francis-coined usage of the term I've ever seen.

The ladies were loose! They were driving golf carts around at not-street-safe speeds. They were arm wrestling! They were flinging water at each other. It was like the camp counselors had gone to the city for the day and left the kids unattended. In short: they were adorable.

Let's try to make sense of all the good times, shall we?

Everyday I Write the Book
Of course, we didn't begin this episode in a good place. Instead we began with STFU-gate, and the ladies reacting to Brandi's outburst. Kim and Brandi took their tete-a-tete to the ladies room and managed to keep their goodwill flowing, but the rest of the gals were aghast about Brandi's language (despite Lisa mentioning that Brandi saying the "f-word" is basically the equivalent of her taking a breath).

Once everyone manages to get back to the table, Brandi apologizes for her language (not her interjection) and then deflects by changing her subject to her book deal. . .Perhaps they should have stuck with the prior conversation.

Yeah, sometimes meditation just isn't enough. Those pesky chakras just won't get into line between Taylor and Brandi. Maybe an autographed copy of her future tome will smooth things over?

Shut Up and Drive
The next morning the gals head out for some athletic endeavors. Before they head off to hike, we check in on Lisa and Brandi's twin beds. As you'd imagine, they're having a precious argument about who snores more disgustingly. Once they move off of their mutual piggy snores, Lisa tries to explain what a "gift" Brandi's comment was. Brandi explains that she's got some other axes to grind with Adrienne at the moment, leading me to believe that STFU was an all encompassing put-down.

Next the ladies lay eyes on the two most glamorous golf carts in the land. Did you know Bentley golf carts are able to off-road? As it turns out they are. Also, Kyle Richards is still afraid of most modes of transportation.

Next, the 'Wives attempt to play badminton. Surprise: they ladies skills are questionable. Not as Lisa's choice of footwear, but pretty underwhelming in the serve department.

Their Name is Mud
After all that fitness, the gals deserved to relax. So off to a soothing spa treatment they went. Kim has found her spiritual renaissance in clay. You can't get closer to God than letting the only thing between you and full nudity be clay, she remarks. Taylor remarks that this new sober Kim is just as wacky as the old one. Honey, I could have told you Richards was an individual all the way through years ago.

And then the rubdown begins. I say rubdown, without fear of over-stating anything because this was the most vaguely Sapphic thing we've put on the airwaves in some time. But before things could get actually sexual, the whole process devolved into a towel-throwing, water-spilling fight for the ages. For a second I thought someone had changed the channel and Porky's was on.

Oh Baby
After a much calmer dinner where the ladies discuss Yolanda's baby lamb treatments and the details of several of the women's childbirths (yes, really). The gals get head back to the room for some cocktails, shots of Patron specifically. Kim and Yolanda retire to bed, not before Kim accidentally tells Brandi she loves her, which might have been one of the most delightful Freudian slips in history. Let it come true God! Please let Kim love Brandi.

After that, things went like you would expect --- some arm wrestling and full press wrestling. Note: Adrienne cheats. Also, in case you're doing this at home, Taylor gave us her tips so you can wrestle like a Real Housewife.

This then devolved into gymnastics and underwearing switching. Did anyone else see Adrienne change clothes like three times? Woman could not find the proper outfit to flip in. Also, can we believe that Kyle didn't do the splits? Also, what was that knee-high jumping, do-si-do dance the ladies did? What was that? My brain can't even take what just went on. All I know is I wanted to get right out of my chair and do it with them.

But sadly, like cartwheels one must get back on their feet and back to Beverly Hills. And so the ladies pack their exclusively Louis Vuitton luggage and head home. Spending the majority of their car ride forcing Lisa to speak in an American accent. Note: I will now drive in a car with Lisa Vanderpump anywhere.

Sadly the car ride wasn't only a lesson in dialects. STFU-gate once again became the topic, leading Brandi to ponder a sit down, hash-out with Adrienne. However, from the looks of the previews that doesn't come soon enough.

Until then, what was your favorite moment in Ojai? Shots? Yolanda's driving? Kim accidentally professing her love for Brandi? Camille's gymnastic prowess?

 

 

Kyle: Kim and I Will Never Agree on This Matter

Kyle clarifies the Kingsley issue and responds to Brandi's most recent accusation. 

I don't want to write this blog. I didn't even want to watch this reunion, to be honest. There. I said it. But here I go....
Let's just dive right into the text message from Lisa Rinna to Kim.
I was very shocked to hear about that text. There is no excuse for that. I believe Lisa R. knows that. I can understand Kim being upset about that. I am sure she was taken aback, as we all were when we heard it. However, I don't think Lisa Rinna is a dangerous person. She just made a really bad choice.


Now onto Amsterdam and the space cake talk. Brandi went after me in Amsterdam regarding the space cake, because she doesn't like me and wanted to deflect from her own behavior once again. This was her big chance to say something about me, calling me a hypocrite for not partaking in the space cake. I have said it before, and I will say it again: I NEVER said I haven't smoked pot. I HAVE. It's just not my thing. I have a lot more fun having a few margaritas. Kim knows that. I would have appreciated her chiming in there. Also, I have NOT eaten a pot brownie or a space cake ever, and my husband had warned me that it would not suit me well, knowing my personality. You cannot gauge exactly what you're ingesting, and it wouldn't be smart. I didn't want to have a bad experience and "freak out," so to speak. Brandi herself wasn't partaking, because of her own reasons (which had to do with her divorce, as she explained), so wouldn't that make her a hypocrite then? WHY did she care if I did or did not choose to? Because she wanted to jump at the chance to make me look bad, since her behavior and her drinking had been front and center. Her drinking was out there, because she puts it out there, and she has nobody to blame but herself. If I HAD chosen to eat a space cake, she would have jumped on that, too. Anything to divert from her own actions which she was comparing to ours. All of us may have a few drinks, but NONE of us behave like her when we drink.
I only address this because it was on television. Her opinion of me is completely irrelevant to me. I only cared, because I am a mother, and her trying to make me out to be something I am not is reckless, as is everything else she does.
Ok. Enough of that. She beat that non-event to death. I think we can move on now.

Now this is the hard part...Kim and I had not spoken since Nov 1st. We both knew the situation with my daughter, Alexia, and Kim's dog, Kingsley, was bound to come up at the reunion. We don't get to pick and choose what we want to talk about.
Alexia had spent the night at Kim's house on Halloween. The next morning, Kingsley bit her. While scary, at first it didn't seem that serious. However, what the first doctor failed to notice was that the tooth had pierced the bone and also broken it. Five days later, we found out that her bone was infected and she needed surgery to clean out the bone. Kim was upset, because I had posted pictures from the hospital. Like I said at the reunion, I NEVER said her dog bit Alexia. Never mentioned her OR her dog. TMZ ended up finding out that it was Kim's dog, and she blamed me, because I posted the pictures from the hospital. I did not do that to hurt my sister in any way or to "get Instagram followers," like she suggested. With all of my family coming and going at the hospital, people were bound to find out and talk.


We were all with Alexia at the hospital trying to distract her and have fun. As any mother would do. We were all trying to make the best out of a bad situation. We invited family and friends to visit and tried to keep her spirits up. In hindsight, I wish I hadn't posted that picture, but I certainly didn't mean to hurt Kim. She posted a picture when she was in the hospital this year. Yolanda and Camille have done so regularly. And where is her responsibility in all of this? However, I do feel bad about what it has led to. And I've told her that. I also felt terrible because I know she loves Kingsley, but I also love my child. It was a difficult time for all involved. I didn't blame Kim personally regarding the dog and was willing to drop it and move forward, yet she was too angry with me regarding the Instagram post to be able to do that.
I wish that since I was willing to let go of my anger regarding my daughter being bit and what she had to go through that she could have let go of being upset about the Instagram post. I HAVE to believe she knows I did NOT do that to hurt her.
For Kim to throw out that she would say something about Alexia ( like she did to Lisa R. regarding Harry ) nearly took my breath away. But her dog is off limits?
So there you have it.
I don't even know what to say or do anymore. Clearly, we will never agree on this matter. And now we have more issues to work through, like my hurt and anger over Kim threatening to say something about my child. I know she loves Alexia, and it was just her being angry and "in the moment," but it's going to take me some time to get past that. All I know is I am glad I don't have to relive all of this again on TV. Now I need to take a step back .
Hopefully, time will heal my relationship with Kim. Time and having an open and honest relationship.
It's been a very difficult season. That's for sure. Thank you all for watching.
XO,
Kyle

P.S
Some things I would like to clear up:

A) I NEVER asked for Kingsley to be put down. I love all animals and know how much Kim loves Kingsley. That was never part of our argument.

B) Brooke's wedding : Brooke did a small ceremony at my sister Kathy's house (part of it aired this season), so that Monty would be well enough to walk her down the aisle. The wedding we were referring to at the reunion is her actual "big wedding " coming up. And NO, I did not do anything "unspeakable" or "unforgivable" at the wedding at Kathy's house like Brandi has (once again) put out there. It was a beautiful, perfect day that Brandi Glanville is now trying to throw negativity on. She was NOT EVEN THERE. On top of everything else Brandi has done, she now wants to turn that beautiful day that my family celebrated into something to lie and gossip about. Shame on her.

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