Cast Blog: #RHOBH

Housewives Actually Go Wild

Kim: My Heart Felt So Big

Kyle: Kim and Monty's Relationship Is Unique

Lisa V.: I Needed an Uncomplicated Friendship

Brandi: Kim Is a Survivor

Eileen: Brooke Was a Gorgeous Bride

Lisa R.: I Couldn't Be More in My Element

Brandi: I Felt Like a Grown Up

Yolanda: I Was Doubting My Parenting Skills

Lisa V.: A Scare Can Be the Ultimate Lesson

Eileen: Yeah, Vincent and I Bicker Sometimes

Lisa R.: My Heart Ached for Yolanda

Kim: The Call No Parent Wants to Get

3 Clues to Next Week's Episode

Brandi: Not a Good Time for My Phone to Die

Lisa V.: Hindsight Is 20/20

Kim: The Words You Never Want to Hear

Yolanda: 50 Is the New 30

Eileen: A Long Career Is the True Award

Kyle: An Invite to a Party Isn't the Answer

Lisa R.: God Bless Michael Bolton!

Quiz: How Well Do You Remember Episode 3?

11 #RHOBH Reactions That Sum up Our Lives

Kyle: I Would Take A Road Trip Over a Plane

Lisa: When You Reach Out, You Are Rewarded

Kim: Brandi and I Always Seem to Have Fun

Yolanda: A Homemade Meal Goes a Long Way

Brandi: I Was Surprised Adrienne Was So Receptive

The Real Story Behind Lisa R.'s Depends Ad

3 Clues to Next Week's Episode

Quiz: How Well Do You Remember Episode 2?

3 Times the 'Wives Were Just Like Us

Quiz: How Well Do You Remember Episode 1?

Kyle: Brandi Was Looking for Trouble

Lisa's First Impression of the Ladies

Yolanda: Fasten Your Seat Belts

Q&A: How Are Camille, Adrienne, and Taylor Now?

Lisa: Kyle and I Have Always Had a Bond

Brandi: Lisa Made Up With Everyone But Me

3 GIFs You Have to See From Next Week's Ep

Things You Will Always See at a White Party

Housewives Actually Go Wild

Ep 5: Bravotv.com's Editor tries to make sense of the literal mud-slinging, arm wrestling, and do-si-do-ing in Ojai.

Let's be real Housewives fans. We've probably said that the girls have gone wild before. I'm sure I've put the phrase on this fair website countless times. Surely, it could have been used about Season 2's Game Night or the Malibu Beach dust-up or Season 1's Dinner Party from Hell.

However, tonight's episode was the actual closest approximation to the Joe Francis-coined usage of the term I've ever seen.

The ladies were loose! They were driving golf carts around at not-street-safe speeds. They were arm wrestling! They were flinging water at each other. It was like the camp counselors had gone to the city for the day and left the kids unattended. In short: they were adorable.

Let's try to make sense of all the good times, shall we?

Everyday I Write the Book
Of course, we didn't begin this episode in a good place. Instead we began with STFU-gate, and the ladies reacting to Brandi's outburst. Kim and Brandi took their tete-a-tete to the ladies room and managed to keep their goodwill flowing, but the rest of the gals were aghast about Brandi's language (despite Lisa mentioning that Brandi saying the "f-word" is basically the equivalent of her taking a breath).

Once everyone manages to get back to the table, Brandi apologizes for her language (not her interjection) and then deflects by changing her subject to her book deal. . .Perhaps they should have stuck with the prior conversation.

Yeah, sometimes meditation just isn't enough. Those pesky chakras just won't get into line between Taylor and Brandi. Maybe an autographed copy of her future tome will smooth things over?

Shut Up and Drive
The next morning the gals head out for some athletic endeavors. Before they head off to hike, we check in on Lisa and Brandi's twin beds. As you'd imagine, they're having a precious argument about who snores more disgustingly. Once they move off of their mutual piggy snores, Lisa tries to explain what a "gift" Brandi's comment was. Brandi explains that she's got some other axes to grind with Adrienne at the moment, leading me to believe that STFU was an all encompassing put-down.

Next the ladies lay eyes on the two most glamorous golf carts in the land. Did you know Bentley golf carts are able to off-road? As it turns out they are. Also, Kyle Richards is still afraid of most modes of transportation.

Next, the 'Wives attempt to play badminton. Surprise: they ladies skills are questionable. Not as Lisa's choice of footwear, but pretty underwhelming in the serve department.

Their Name is Mud
After all that fitness, the gals deserved to relax. So off to a soothing spa treatment they went. Kim has found her spiritual renaissance in clay. You can't get closer to God than letting the only thing between you and full nudity be clay, she remarks. Taylor remarks that this new sober Kim is just as wacky as the old one. Honey, I could have told you Richards was an individual all the way through years ago.

And then the rubdown begins. I say rubdown, without fear of over-stating anything because this was the most vaguely Sapphic thing we've put on the airwaves in some time. But before things could get actually sexual, the whole process devolved into a towel-throwing, water-spilling fight for the ages. For a second I thought someone had changed the channel and Porky's was on.

Oh Baby
After a much calmer dinner where the ladies discuss Yolanda's baby lamb treatments and the details of several of the women's childbirths (yes, really). The gals get head back to the room for some cocktails, shots of Patron specifically. Kim and Yolanda retire to bed, not before Kim accidentally tells Brandi she loves her, which might have been one of the most delightful Freudian slips in history. Let it come true God! Please let Kim love Brandi.

After that, things went like you would expect --- some arm wrestling and full press wrestling. Note: Adrienne cheats. Also, in case you're doing this at home, Taylor gave us her tips so you can wrestle like a Real Housewife.

This then devolved into gymnastics and underwearing switching. Did anyone else see Adrienne change clothes like three times? Woman could not find the proper outfit to flip in. Also, can we believe that Kyle didn't do the splits? Also, what was that knee-high jumping, do-si-do dance the ladies did? What was that? My brain can't even take what just went on. All I know is I wanted to get right out of my chair and do it with them.

But sadly, like cartwheels one must get back on their feet and back to Beverly Hills. And so the ladies pack their exclusively Louis Vuitton luggage and head home. Spending the majority of their car ride forcing Lisa to speak in an American accent. Note: I will now drive in a car with Lisa Vanderpump anywhere.

Sadly the car ride wasn't only a lesson in dialects. STFU-gate once again became the topic, leading Brandi to ponder a sit down, hash-out with Adrienne. However, from the looks of the previews that doesn't come soon enough.

Until then, what was your favorite moment in Ojai? Shots? Yolanda's driving? Kim accidentally professing her love for Brandi? Camille's gymnastic prowess?

 

 

Eileen: Brooke Was a Gorgeous Bride

Eileen discusses the ladies' daughters and why her niece feels like the daughter she never had.

Wow! What an emotional episode of RHOBH! I teared up a few times watching this one.

My heart went out to Yolanda after hearing her father had died in a car accident. I can understand how that only added to the fear and confusion of Bella getting a DUI. What an awakening, realizing that you can't protect your children forever, that they have to fly and be on their own. So, so scary for us as parents, but that's the reality. I hate that!

Lisa R.'s daughter Delilah is gorgeous! And funny, too. Just like her mom. What a good friend she is supporting Lisa V., who, by the way, looked stunning receiving her star in Palm Springs. I love how much she has done for the gay community, and I have so much respect for her for standing up for equality. Both Lisas looked hot, and not just because it was 115 degrees!

Kim's daughter Brooke was a gorgeous bride. What a sweet and beautiful couple she and her new groom make! The wedding was beautiful, too, and the emotion so deep. Very touching with her ex-husband Monty being there. My husband Vincent has known Monty for years from the poker world. Our thoughts and prayers are with him and their family during this special, yet very challenging time.

Love the peeps I work with. Melissa Ordway plays my daughter, and Sean Carrigan plays my co worker/oops-we-had-a-one-night-stand. Both funny, funny people and so talented. Love 'em. And Patti Denney! My make up artist on Y and R. I have known Patti for...32 years! OMG! She's great at makeup and a good friend. The crew is fabulous, too. Y and R feels like home to me. Gee, I wonder why. I pretty much started my career there.

And then there's my niece, Annamarie. She is my sister Connie's only child. My sister was a single mom, and and I helped raise her daughter. I have always had a very strong connection with Annamarie, and I love her dearly. She's an amazing young woman with a huge heart, great sense of humor, and immense talent. Jesse and Annamarie are more like siblings than cousins, and they adore each other. Sadly, really devastatingly, Connie died from complications due to breast cancer last March. There's so much to say, and yet I don't know how to begin. I guess I'm just so grateful to have Annamarie in my life. She truly has become the daughter I never had.

It was really an emotional episode, in so many ways. We chicks are living our lives. The highs and the lows...

xoxoxoxoox

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