Cast Blog: #RHOBH

Housewives Actually Go Wild

Kyle: I Couldn't Do Anything Right in Kim's Eyes

Lisa V.: Everything Is About to Boil Over

Brandi: Someone Poked the Wrong Bear

Eileen: Kim’s Emotions Are Already Running High

Lisa R.: Kim Tends to Forget Key Events

#RHOBH Spoiler Alert: Caught In The Crossfires

Lisa V.: I'm Not Afraid of Kim

Eileen: Kim Has Exhibited Disturbing Behavior

Lisa R.: Why Do You Want People to Fight Over You?

Kim: I Shouldn't Have to Defend My Actions

Brandi: Having Fun for A Change

#RHOBH Spoiler Alert: Shock and Suprise

Kim: Brandi And Kyle's Feud Has Nothing To Do With Me

Brandi: Addiction Is Not a Negative Label or Insult

Kyle: Brandi Pulls Out Her Dagger to Deflect

Lisa V.: At What Point Is It Enough?

Eileen: Is There Any Line Brandi Won't Cross?

Lisa R: Let's Call a Spade a Spade

#RHOBH Spoiler Alert: Battle Between Sisters

Brandi: I'm a Ride or Die Friend

Lisa R.: Everyone Needs to Own Their Sh--

Kyle: Brandi Puts Out Lies, Hoping They Will Stick

Eileen: Brandi Is Acting Like a Mafia Enforcer

Lisa V.: Brandi's Behavior Was Unnerving to Watch

#RHOBH Spoiler Alert: A Clash and an F-Bomb

Brandi: Lisa R. Should Be Disappointed in Herself

Kim: Don't Mistake My Sadness for Weakness

Kyle: I Have Never Had Anyone Put a Hand on Me

Lisa V.: I Tried to Warn Kyle

Eileen: Brandi Attacks, Then Deflects

Lisa R.: Kyle Didn't Create This Drama

#RHOBH Spoiler Alert: More Fighting and a Peeping Tom

Kim: Kyle Should Be Worried, Not Embarrassed

Brandi: Kyle Wants to Help When There's an Audience

Kyle: This Was Brandi's Master Plan

Lisa R.: It Felt Just As Awkward As It Looked

Lisa V.: Kim's Demeanor Was Questionable

Eileen: Brandi Loves to Stir the Pot

#RHOBH Spoiler Alert: Disgust and a Push

Yolanda: I Would Like to Apologize

Housewives Actually Go Wild

Ep 5: Bravotv.com's Editor tries to make sense of the literal mud-slinging, arm wrestling, and do-si-do-ing in Ojai.

Let's be real Housewives fans. We've probably said that the girls have gone wild before. I'm sure I've put the phrase on this fair website countless times. Surely, it could have been used about Season 2's Game Night or the Malibu Beach dust-up or Season 1's Dinner Party from Hell.

However, tonight's episode was the actual closest approximation to the Joe Francis-coined usage of the term I've ever seen.

The ladies were loose! They were driving golf carts around at not-street-safe speeds. They were arm wrestling! They were flinging water at each other. It was like the camp counselors had gone to the city for the day and left the kids unattended. In short: they were adorable.

Let's try to make sense of all the good times, shall we?

Everyday I Write the Book
Of course, we didn't begin this episode in a good place. Instead we began with STFU-gate, and the ladies reacting to Brandi's outburst. Kim and Brandi took their tete-a-tete to the ladies room and managed to keep their goodwill flowing, but the rest of the gals were aghast about Brandi's language (despite Lisa mentioning that Brandi saying the "f-word" is basically the equivalent of her taking a breath).

Once everyone manages to get back to the table, Brandi apologizes for her language (not her interjection) and then deflects by changing her subject to her book deal. . .Perhaps they should have stuck with the prior conversation.

Yeah, sometimes meditation just isn't enough. Those pesky chakras just won't get into line between Taylor and Brandi. Maybe an autographed copy of her future tome will smooth things over?

Shut Up and Drive
The next morning the gals head out for some athletic endeavors. Before they head off to hike, we check in on Lisa and Brandi's twin beds. As you'd imagine, they're having a precious argument about who snores more disgustingly. Once they move off of their mutual piggy snores, Lisa tries to explain what a "gift" Brandi's comment was. Brandi explains that she's got some other axes to grind with Adrienne at the moment, leading me to believe that STFU was an all encompassing put-down.

Next the ladies lay eyes on the two most glamorous golf carts in the land. Did you know Bentley golf carts are able to off-road? As it turns out they are. Also, Kyle Richards is still afraid of most modes of transportation.

Next, the 'Wives attempt to play badminton. Surprise: they ladies skills are questionable. Not as Lisa's choice of footwear, but pretty underwhelming in the serve department.

Their Name is Mud
After all that fitness, the gals deserved to relax. So off to a soothing spa treatment they went. Kim has found her spiritual renaissance in clay. You can't get closer to God than letting the only thing between you and full nudity be clay, she remarks. Taylor remarks that this new sober Kim is just as wacky as the old one. Honey, I could have told you Richards was an individual all the way through years ago.

And then the rubdown begins. I say rubdown, without fear of over-stating anything because this was the most vaguely Sapphic thing we've put on the airwaves in some time. But before things could get actually sexual, the whole process devolved into a towel-throwing, water-spilling fight for the ages. For a second I thought someone had changed the channel and Porky's was on.

Oh Baby
After a much calmer dinner where the ladies discuss Yolanda's baby lamb treatments and the details of several of the women's childbirths (yes, really). The gals get head back to the room for some cocktails, shots of Patron specifically. Kim and Yolanda retire to bed, not before Kim accidentally tells Brandi she loves her, which might have been one of the most delightful Freudian slips in history. Let it come true God! Please let Kim love Brandi.

After that, things went like you would expect --- some arm wrestling and full press wrestling. Note: Adrienne cheats. Also, in case you're doing this at home, Taylor gave us her tips so you can wrestle like a Real Housewife.

This then devolved into gymnastics and underwearing switching. Did anyone else see Adrienne change clothes like three times? Woman could not find the proper outfit to flip in. Also, can we believe that Kyle didn't do the splits? Also, what was that knee-high jumping, do-si-do dance the ladies did? What was that? My brain can't even take what just went on. All I know is I wanted to get right out of my chair and do it with them.

But sadly, like cartwheels one must get back on their feet and back to Beverly Hills. And so the ladies pack their exclusively Louis Vuitton luggage and head home. Spending the majority of their car ride forcing Lisa to speak in an American accent. Note: I will now drive in a car with Lisa Vanderpump anywhere.

Sadly the car ride wasn't only a lesson in dialects. STFU-gate once again became the topic, leading Brandi to ponder a sit down, hash-out with Adrienne. However, from the looks of the previews that doesn't come soon enough.

Until then, what was your favorite moment in Ojai? Shots? Yolanda's driving? Kim accidentally professing her love for Brandi? Camille's gymnastic prowess?

 

 

Lisa R.: Kim Tends to Forget Key Events

Lisa R. thinks Kim is forgetting something very important. 

Well, hello again! The top of this week’s episode starts off so fun but quickly dive rolls into a frenzy of accusations, hurt feelings, and drama. So, let’s just get right down to it, shall we?

The Fantastic Race was fun. Sort of. The idea of a scavenger hunt with teams was great and intentions were in the right place, but you let some Housewives run loose on a hot day in the streets of Beverly Hills with specific rules to follow, and sh-- is bound to hit the fan. Complaints ran amok, rules were broken, a lot of dairy was consumed, and tour buses were hijacked. But what can I say other than I was more than happy and willing to support Yolanda. Oh, and congratulations to Eileen for holding her team together and pulling off the win.

Next we head off to Calgary to be a part of the David Foster Foundation Gala, which raises money to support families with children in need of an organ transplant. Before we arrive there however, I had quite an intense conversation with Kim Richards about her sobriety on the plane. She had been unusually quiet and uneasy around me, and me being one to crack an egg wide open to get to the heart of the problem asked her flat out if she was upset with me.

She was told that I had been talking to numerous people about her sobriety. Or rather, lack of sobriety. She wanted me to back off and stop talking behind her back, but here’s the thing you guys: I had just had a conversation to her face in Eileen’s kitchen. I looked into her eyes and flat out said, “You can get help. You can talk to people. You can go to a meeting and find a group, so you aren’t alone.” Lisa V. was also right there during this conversation offering her own support, to which Kim literally responded with, “Blah, blah, blah…”

As we have seen before, Kim tends to conveniently forget key events and things that are said in her presence, so maybe I should have seen her response of "Blah, blah, blah" as "I am literally and physically not listening to any of this." Who knows. But what I do know is that particular conversation cannot be twisted into me talking behind her back. When I speak with someone about someone else, I absolutely HAVE TO then speak to the person I have just spoken about. That is what a friend does. Where there’s smoke, there’s fire, and I happen to really like firemen, so I will go straight to that source every time. Haha!

The tense conversation between Kim and I on the plane, though, was just too much. She chose to speak to me as if I were a child and yelled at me each time I apologized to her. I don’t know how many times I apologized, and she decided to snub and fire back an icy, “Just drop it!” or “Leave it alone!” instead of carrying on a normal conversation where both people can speak like mature grown ups.

Of course, the bug in Kim’s ear is Brandi, Queen of Deflection. The reason I sat down for lunch with her was for me to ask why SHE is so aggressive and why SHE says the hurtful things she does and why SHE thinks it’s ok to act like a 3-year-old. I wanted to have a face-to-face, open and honest conversation with her about what makes her tick the way she does, so I could form my own opinions outside of what the other women have told me. As I can now see in hindsight, Brandi steered our lunch conversation to be about Kim, so we didn’t have to talk about why Brandi is the way she is. I would have liked to see Brandi be honest with Kim about her concerns she shared with me that day, but from what I can tell, Brandi seems scared of Kim and basically just tossed the whole messy situation on me. If anything, I would say we’re actually witnessing Brandi talk behind Kim’s back, since she didn’t share any of her parts of the conversation. Very irresponsible and definitely not what I would call a good friend.

We get to Calgary, and I can honestly say that the David Foster Foundation Gala was one of the best and most impressive events I have ever attended. Babyface, Jennifer Hudson, Jackie Evancho...and the list of amazing performances goes on and on! Raising $8.2 million dollars is unbelievable, and knowing that money goes towards children needing organ transplants and taking care of the family’s needs during that time is incredibly heartwarming. The amazing people of Calgary are so generous, and I have to say, I’ve never seen more money raised at a charity event ever! Dancing on the table with my mascara smeared down to my knees was a fun added bonus and then to see Steven Tyler plant those gorgeous lips on Kyle Richards--OMG I die. Thanks to Yolanda for having us all there with her and David and all of the other wonderful attendees.

We make it to Amsterdam, and as you can see, we clearly packed the crazy train in our carry-on luggage. I was kinda hoping it would be left at home, but we just wouldn’t be us without it, now would we? Kim continues to constantly bitch at her sister in the airport and create a scene, which is only the beginning for lots more craziness to come!

Hope you’re ready…

XO,

LR

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