Hello Spring Breakers. Have we ever had an episode with more to cover? Truly, this is one for the Beverly Hills record books. Do you remember that besides that mind-blowing Brandi comment (comments, really), this is the episode when Kim Richards' daughter confronted her about vibrators? When Brandi mentioned that she liked to be choked in bed? Those things also happened -- besides the much bigger, noisier, pig-related name-calling.
And so, I couldn't even fathom how to recap this except with a good old-fashioned list of things I had to rewind and watch again. My pause button barely exists after this week; its parallel lines are almost worn away. Here's what nearly eroded them.
1. Brandi saying "Welcome to my vagina" to start the sexual conversation with her ladies. I just imagined one of those signs you see when crossing between states and could barely go on.
2. Watching Brandi and her gals debate whether someone getting choked is a fetish. Is the line of becoming a fetish losing consciousness? Is the line nine states away with people who don't discuss sexual positions over mimosas?
3. Kim Richard's spirtiaual feelings about Palm Springs, summed up via a yoga-worthy "Om."
4. Kim and Kimberly debating the unadvertised uses of electric toothbrushes.
5. Kim and Kimberly throwing a suitcase back and forth to test it's lightness. Surely, this is also how it's done at the factory.
7. The self esteem booster that was the woman waiting on Kyle. I would shop at her store exclusively if I was getting positive feedback like that.
8. Carlton's airing of grievances against Kyle. I guess that balanced out the good vibes the salesclerk was giving Mrs. Umansky. . .
9. The introduction of the phrase "t--s on an ant" to the RHOBH lexicon. I had no idea that ants were so well-endowed.
10. Kim's packing philosophy: "I believe everything you want, in case you want it."
11. Kim Richards' juice hand motion!
12. This exchange
Yolanda: The first time I that was ever in Palm Springs was the first time I ever did the master cleanse
Brandi: That was the first time I ever did cocaine. [LAUGHS] I'm kidding.
Yolanda: I thought you were serious.
Brandi: No that was San Francisco
13. Lisa saying that she really doesn't know anything about Joyce except that "she's got a small coochie and her husband's got a big winky."
14. Kim and Joyce's popcorn eating style, proof that when you are in a limousine, all decorum and sense of adulthood go out the window.
15. My fantasy image of Yolanda and Brandi skipping the trip and just going to the outlets. If only their phone call to Lisa had been true.
16. The women trying to bestow the nickname "Blackie" onto Carlton.
17. The women immediately realizing the nickname "Blackie" is a terrible nickname.
18. Joyce's not-totally-unfounded fear of sleeping under that boulder.
19. Kim Richard's boulder impression.
20. Brandi complimenting her "lady driver." It's 2013! Lady drivers are doing it for themselves!
21. Lisa and Yolanda trying to carry the suitcase (that may or may not contain Ken) to their distant bunaglow
22. Yolanda not being satisfied with the spritzes of wrinkle releaser used on her sheets. This is the Dutch Martha Stewart you are dealing with people. You need to iron those sheets on your highest setting if she is bunking up.
23. The first time Brandi called Joyce "Jacqueline."
24. Brandi explaining that she did that because the name Joyce makes her think of an "old chubby Mrs. Claus."
25. The first time Brandi called Joyce "Yoyce."
26. The second time Brandi called Joyce "Jacqueline."
27. Carlton and Joyce using PMS as an excuse to avoid taking their cover-ups off. Who knew that was ever used as an excuse for anything beyond high school gym class?
28. Lisa saying "muumuu"
29. Carlton's "F--- You" tattoo.
30. Kim's reaction to the mention of the word witch
(via WWHL's Tumblr)
31. Kim getting semi-stuck during her interview while explaining that she doesn't know what witchcraft means. Don't pressure her, it's not a test. Give her some space to go look it up on Wikipedia and then answer she can answer the question.
32. The burgeoning trend of friendship kisses. So hot right now.
33. Kyle claiming Lisa slipped her the tongue on the Eiffel Tower.
34. The third time Brandi called Joyce "Jacqueline."
35. Learning that Yolanda's rules for hostessing include always swimming if your guests want to swim.
36. Learning that Yolanda can rock a white one-piece
37. Yolanda trying to trick Lisa and pull her into the pool under the guise of having her help with her watch because it immediately reminded me of this RHONY incident in St. Barths.
38. That off-handed, nonchalant joke Brandi's made about swimming. Seriously, this is a thing that happened.
39. Kim Richards assertion that the weekend was going pretty "no bueno."
40. Yolanda yelling "B" in a high pitched voice to hopefully elicit tea service
41. Kyle asking her own downstairs zone if it was "ready to go" for skinny dipping.
42. The fourth time Brandi called Joyce "Jacqueline."
43. The second time Brandi called Joyce "Yoyce."
44. The bullying kerfuffle that ensued because of it.
45. The fifth time Brandi called Joyce "Jacqueline."
46. Brandi refusing the gift of water from Yolanda after confessing that she was a little "drunkish."
47. Brandi removing her weave at the dinner table (with Yolanda's help).
48. The sixth time Brandi called Joyce "Jacqueline."
49. Brandi explaining once again why she doesn't think Joyce sounds the appropriate name for Joyce, because that name is meant for swine.
50. Brandi telling Kyle "to go f--- herself" when she suggests that Brandi change her name, which she just said she hated.
51. Joyce evoking the "older lady" descriptor for Yolanda
52. Really wishing that God (who Kyle mentions was there in Paris) would just jump in and sort out this Yolanda mess from last year's reunion once and for all.
53. Kyle and Yolanda debating what is talking to each other and what is talking at each other
54. Yolanda shushing Joyce
55. Brandi saying Kyle becomes a "crazy a--hole" and that being the last bit we get until next week's episode.