Cast Blog: #DCHOUSEWIVES

Man Rules

Secret Thoughts

A Rewarding Experience

Man Rule Refresher

Wine Woes

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Bullying Tactics

Something for the Grandchildren

McGyver, Jack Bauer, ... Jason Turner?

Just Say ... Yes?

Love, Communication, and Mutual Respect

Mary's Best Moment

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No More Drama

Edge of Your Seat Drama

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Q and A With Stacie

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Shining Just Where We Are

Time to Press Delete

Mary's Worst Moment

Be Careful Who You Trust

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Gracious Offerings from Burkina Faso

No Stones Left Unturned

The White House Cirque Begins

Miss Understood

There's Nothing Pretty About Being a Mean Girl

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"Some People are Not Destined to Be Friends"

Ask, and I May Tell!

I Live for "Today!"

High Heel Fatigue

The Many Faces of Mary

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Let's Hear it for the Boys

This Oasis is Not a Mirage

What is Salahi-ism?

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Time Is a Healer

Vineyard Vindication

Breaking the Man Rules

Who wants to Shoot Tareq?

Making Wine, Housewives Style

Reality Check

Grape Expectations

I Laughed, I Cried, I Cringed

'Tis Better to Give Love Than to Receive Meanness

Man Rules

Rich Amons gives us a tutorial in Man Rules and explains how they were violated this season. 

 

In the Bravolebrity Land of Make Believe TV, the One Eyed, Rainbow Colored, Flying Unicorn is King of Candy Mountain! Never before have I ever been engulfed in such a delusional surreal world as on the Real Housewives of DC Reunion set at the National Hysterical Society in DC. I am not here to kick wide-eyed smiling kittens, as that is just piling on at this point and is not how I roll, and who wants to squash the love out of someone who oozes love out of their very pores to begin with? Not this guy! And if that's the kind of love that keeps Candy Mountain sparkling with happy Double Rainbows and protects it's two citizens from reality asteroids crashing into it, it's not for me to judge if it works for them. I believe in a God that protects fools, drunks, and delusional sociopaths with equal fervor, so I am not about to mess with Him either about it!

Having said that, I would like to discuss Rich's Man Rules Violations this season that a lot of you, mostly women mind you, have asked me about. There is a code among men, often unspoken and passed along from one generation to the next through man rituals such as fishing, hunting, golf, and watching NASCAR (hence women's lack of knowledge and understanding on the subject matter, kind of like my feelings). Man Rules have been silently agreed to amongst the vast majority of males on this planet for centuries but perhaps not at Candy Mountain Winery? Man Rules cover a wide range of topics from every day guides to daily life (put the seat down) and rules of the road, to more esoteric and delicate matters such as love, family, and relationships (Never honk your car horn in the driveway to get your wife/GF to move faster). 

ManRule: You NEVER accuse someone's child of being investigated by the FBI and further claim that the FBI is monitoring your child's Facebook account and threaten that everyone is going to jail. 

See definition of NEVER if this is unclear.

The only exception to this ManRule is if FBI stands for Face Book Investigations and if convicted of a FB crime you will be quarantined in Farmville State Prison... 

ManRule: Always answer a Yes or No question with a Yes or a No answer.

If I want color or flavor, I would buy some crayons and some Ben and Jerry's Caramel Phishfood, just answer the question.

Did you have an official invitation to the White House State Dinner? If yes, why did the White House say you didn't? If no, how the hell did you get in the place? I am still confused as to what really happened, uninterested as well I have to admit, and NO, I am not buying a book to read about it in murkier detail. If it was a lark and you slipped in, come clean and plead delusional insanity, but don't plead the 5th while throwing a hard working Pentagon official and WH Security personnel under the bus because you got caught playing "Ding, Dong, Ditch" complete with Facebook Photos! Man up, dude!

Other Examples of Yes or No questions in case you're still confused:

Were you a Washington Redskin Cheerleader? 

Is that MGD64 in that wine glass? 

Do you own a white limousine?

Do you use Thompson Seedless grapes to make your wine?

Is Sparkle your pony's name?

ManRule: Do not, unless you are under the threat of loss of life, throw wine on a woman, ever, period, the end. This is a non-negotiable ManRule, with no exceptions. You just never know when the woman you douse with vino has a 6'5" boyfriend, but I am not here to teach common sense, only reiterate Man Rules to keep people out of trouble. I am only one man, I can't do it all, and I am feeling like Holden Caulfield here! 

ManRule: When you screw up, admit it, and move on to a solution to fix it if you can, say you're sorry if you can't, and try not to repeat the same mistake twice. There is always lots of stupid stuff you can screw up going forward so don't worry about running out of stupid. Every man puts on his AssHat occasionally (I personally have a different one for every day of the week), and when you do, own it, and at the very least, say you're sorry! This isn't 7th grade and your Mom just found a dime bag in your sock drawer and you blamed your imaginary friend Kenny for stashing it there. This is real life, you fess up, own up, move on, and hopefully learn from it. It's called experience and you only get it from wearing bad decision jeans too tight and for too long.

My time is short here and while I could go on for pages of ManRule Violations this season, I am being asked to put out the trash (never a good sign -- "Why do I have to ask you every week?") and not forget the recycling (also a bad sign if I had any thoughts of nocturnal adult activity later). 

Have a ManRule you like?  Post it in the blog comments below! Ladies are encouraged to "suggest" Man Rules, but such suggestions have to be voted on by the "ManCouncil" who meet once a year in Vegas. Sorry Ladies, those are the rules, I don't get to tell Oprah what books she or Gail King should read for their book club, so I think these rules are only fair!

Anyway, stay tuned for next week's Part Deux of the reunion show on Bravo when the men, the ladies, and Tareq take the stage with Andy to discuss the breaking news of the day.

Insert Shameless Plug Time -- go to www.labelsforlove.com to find out about the exciting Nov.4 art show in DC! Follow me on twitter @richamons. Tweet @Lollyamons for decorative art work (and pet portraits!)! Help her out people; her Dad is a Real JackHole! Good Things and Mazel!

 

Man Rule Refresher

Rich Amons has a few more Man Rule lessons to share.

 

Greatly appreciate all your very kind comments on my first attempt at Bravo blogging last week. It's fun to be able to just say whatever you want without any basis or need to fact check, just like a real blogger! It was a lot of fun to read your comments as well, thank you for taking the time to respond. And time now for Round 2 of the RHWODC Reunion Show!

While I did take some heat from some unnamed members of my Man Council for outing a few of our Man Rules and Rituals (and especially the Vegas Offsite), I feel I did it for the betterment of Reality Show Society and in the interest of helping the Man Rules underprivileged, who were not entrusted with the "Code" to see the error of their ways. I would always rather ask forgiveness than permission, so please find it in your hearts, Man Council, to forgive my numerous transgressions or I will default, as is my right, to my "Sorry, but I am not sorry" veto of any sanctions brought against me. 

In that light, after viewing the RHWODC Reunion Show Part Deux, "someone" would appear to need a refresher course and some additional Man Rules and Regulations laid out for him in the interest of assisting him in getting into some big boy pants and out of the pull up over 200 Lb. diapers. 

Man Rules Refresher: Say it aloud with me, "When asked a Yes or No Question, Please give a Yes or No Answer!"  

Failure examples include:

Do you own the home featured on the show and on Bravotv.com? 

Did you send your Financial Statement over in disappearing spy ink to Stacie to protect your privacy?

Did you donate any more wine than the one sparkling wine bottle you sabraged onto Lynda's badonkadonk for Paul's birthday party?

Man Rule: Look people in the eye when you are talking to them. 

Failure to do so will give off the perception that you are either hiding something or not telling the truth. Eyes are often called the window to the soul and failure to maintain eye contact is disrespectful to the person you're lying, I mean, talking to.

Exceptions: You have no soul. 

See also: If you can fake sincerity, the rest is easy.

Man Rule: Your wife should never have to tell you to apologize.

Especially to another woman. If you're unable to recognize you have just screwed the pooch big-time with a member of the opposite sex, you should be quarantined for the duration with a 24-7 ration of Oprah and Dr. Phil reruns until properly sensitized. In the case of disagreement, yes, women should encourage men to apologize in an abundance of relationship caution, but to be "told" you have to apologize indicates your internal filters need to be recalibrated and tuned up for life outside the cave. 

Exceptions: Guy's Night Out (GNO) 

I am not apologizing while getting my drink on, "Sorry For Partying" rules are in effect while men are in their "If I had feelings they would be hurt" zone. Women, we need this precious downtime from shouldering responsibility for always being wrong under the Hilary Clinton Act (HCA) that declared the #1 Rule that was obvious to women for centuries, "Men are always wrong," which was amended recently to add HCA #2 Rule: "When in doubt, see Rule #1." 

See also: Darwin's Guide to Evolutionary Relationship Building

Man Rule: You can't blame everyone else for your mistakes and failures.

Making mistakes and encountering failure is just an unavoidable fact of life, even on Candy Mountain. When you run the sparkly rainbow unicorn right into the neighbor's new car, do you take the walk of shame up to their door and confess and leave a note with correct contact info, or do you slink away and blame those drunken high school kids playing mailbox baseball again the next morning when you see your neighbor at the coffeehouse?

Eventually you run out of people to blame and there is just you. Let's circumvent years of irresponsible behavior and just own up to our mistakes and learn from our failures going forward. One of the great parts of the real world we live in here in the US is that people recognize mistakes are part of life and don't keep score for long, but they do judge and punish those that show no remorse or the inability to see the connection that their actions have caused harm to others. 

See: The guidebooks to most major religions, such as the Bible (all versions), Koran, Common Sense for Dummies, etc.

Again, this season's Man Rule infractions are far too numerous and the space allotted by Bravo too small to address all of them. 

After some quick research, "The Donald" is my new reality show role model, he pulls it all off brilliantly while maintaining his day job and fully employing all his children, AND still maintains a single digit handicap, much respect to Mr. Trump. Call me if you ever need a 4th to play golf on the Potomac!

Again, people, please hook my daughter Lolly up with any interesting opportunities in the art, music, and animal/equestrienne areas as she is passionate about all three. Follow her on Twitter @lollyamons and please remember, her Dad is the Total JackHole of the Millennium and she deserves a break or two.

Please also follow my favorite Housewife, Mary Amons, on all she is doing (which is a lot!) at www.labelsforlove.com and follow her on Twitter @maryamons. She is really the one who laid it all out there this season for the world to opine on, and I think she did a great job and represented our little part of the world very well in light of a social black swan of epic proportions that dropped in uninvited and whisked the show off to Candy Mountain. There are some very funny Mary and family video pieces that we hope you get to see on BravoTv.com in the near future. It was a pleasure to work with everyone at Bravo and Half Yard, they were great to us, and we appreciate it.

Yes, it's not generally thought to be the wisest of decisions to throw in with a reality tv show, but Mary, Bravo, and their team did a great job capturing a little taste of what I love about our town and the little Amons clan that puts the FUN in dysfunctionally functional! Thank you for watching this season and hope to hear from you here on BravoTv.com, Facebook, or on Twitter @richamons. Mazel and good things, people!