Rich Amons gives us a tutorial in Man Rules and explains how they were violated this season.
In the Bravolebrity Land of Make Believe TV, the One Eyed, Rainbow Colored, Flying Unicorn is King of Candy Mountain! Never before have I ever been engulfed in such a delusional surreal world as on the Real Housewives of DC Reunion set at the National Hysterical Society in DC. I am not here to kick wide-eyed smiling kittens, as that is just piling on at this point and is not how I roll, and who wants to squash the love out of someone who oozes love out of their very pores to begin with? Not this guy! And if that's the kind of love that keeps Candy Mountain sparkling with happy Double Rainbows and protects it's two citizens from reality asteroids crashing into it, it's not for me to judge if it works for them. I believe in a God that protects fools, drunks, and delusional sociopaths with equal fervor, so I am not about to mess with Him either about it!
Having said that, I would like to discuss Rich's Man Rules Violations this season that a lot of you, mostly women mind you, have asked me about. There is a code among men, often unspoken and passed along from one generation to the next through man rituals such as fishing, hunting, golf, and watching NASCAR (hence women's lack of knowledge and understanding on the subject matter, kind of like my feelings). Man Rules have been silently agreed to amongst the vast majority of males on this planet for centuries but perhaps not at Candy Mountain Winery? Man Rules cover a wide range of topics from every day guides to daily life (put the seat down) and rules of the road, to more esoteric and delicate matters such as love, family, and relationships (Never honk your car horn in the driveway to get your wife/GF to move faster).
ManRule: You NEVER accuse someone's child of being investigated by the FBI and further claim that the FBI is monitoring your child's Facebook account and threaten that everyone is going to jail.
See definition of NEVER if this is unclear.
The only exception to this ManRule is if FBI stands for Face Book Investigations and if convicted of a FB crime you will be quarantined in Farmville State Prison...
ManRule: Always answer a Yes or No question with a Yes or a No answer.
If I want color or flavor, I would buy some crayons and some Ben and Jerry's Caramel Phishfood, just answer the question.
Did you have an official invitation to the White House State Dinner? If yes, why did the White House say you didn't? If no, how the hell did you get in the place? I am still confused as to what really happened, uninterested as well I have to admit, and NO, I am not buying a book to read about it in murkier detail. If it was a lark and you slipped in, come clean and plead delusional insanity, but don't plead the 5th while throwing a hard working Pentagon official and WH Security personnel under the bus because you got caught playing "Ding, Dong, Ditch" complete with Facebook Photos! Man up, dude!
Other Examples of Yes or No questions in case you're still confused:
Were you a Washington Redskin Cheerleader?
Is that MGD64 in that wine glass?
Do you own a white limousine?
Do you use Thompson Seedless grapes to make your wine?
Is Sparkle your pony's name?
ManRule: Do not, unless you are under the threat of loss of life, throw wine on a woman, ever, period, the end. This is a non-negotiable ManRule, with no exceptions. You just never know when the woman you douse with vino has a 6'5" boyfriend, but I am not here to teach common sense, only reiterate Man Rules to keep people out of trouble. I am only one man, I can't do it all, and I am feeling like Holden Caulfield here!
ManRule: When you screw up, admit it, and move on to a solution to fix it if you can, say you're sorry if you can't, and try not to repeat the same mistake twice. There is always lots of stupid stuff you can screw up going forward so don't worry about running out of stupid. Every man puts on his AssHat occasionally (I personally have a different one for every day of the week), and when you do, own it, and at the very least, say you're sorry! This isn't 7th grade and your Mom just found a dime bag in your sock drawer and you blamed your imaginary friend Kenny for stashing it there. This is real life, you fess up, own up, move on, and hopefully learn from it. It's called experience and you only get it from wearing bad decision jeans too tight and for too long.
My time is short here and while I could go on for pages of ManRule Violations this season, I am being asked to put out the trash (never a good sign -- "Why do I have to ask you every week?") and not forget the recycling (also a bad sign if I had any thoughts of nocturnal adult activity later).
Have a ManRule you like? Post it in the blog comments below! Ladies are encouraged to "suggest" Man Rules, but such suggestions have to be voted on by the "ManCouncil" who meet once a year in Vegas. Sorry Ladies, those are the rules, I don't get to tell Oprah what books she or Gail King should read for their book club, so I think these rules are only fair!
Anyway, stay tuned for next week's Part Deux of the reunion show on Bravo when the men, the ladies, and Tareq take the stage with Andy to discuss the breaking news of the day.
Insert Shameless Plug Time -- go to www.labelsforlove.com to find out about the exciting Nov.4 art show in DC! Follow me on twitter @richamons. Tweet @Lollyamons for decorative art work (and pet portraits!)! Help her out people; her Dad is a Real JackHole! Good Things and Mazel!