Spice Up Your 'Wives

Our recap of greatest moments of the premiere, psychics and Pippen-athletics included.

Feb 22, 20110

But this season also gives us something delightful on the older end of the family spectrum, an octogenarian with oracle powers, Elsa.

Elsa has a supernatural pull over my heart. She wants to know what French people are like in bed! She's not a charlatan! She has modern sensibilities! She says things like, "I'm a woman of this century, Marysol. I'm not a Victorian lady."

The Housewives have been trending towards telepathics. In the last year we've had a cluster of clairvoyants appear (the Richards' bring-your-own-mother's-ashes-with-you gal, to Kim Z's baby predicting psychic, to the incomparable Allison DuBois), but leave it to the Miami ladies to put the hot in psychic hotline. Not only will she analyze how you feel about your man-friend, but Cristy even has a seer in the side-pocket. A lovely psychic wearing sunglasses to prevent confusion from the present instructs her about what's ahead.

There’s a lot to cover, obviously, but I want to quickly address my three favorite moments of the episode.

Moment One: Larsa Pippen Packing Heat

As someone who's a pretty mean shot (I did some major damage at Big Buck Hunter this weekend, folks), I love watching people shoot guns (in the safety of a range!). Larsa is no Sarah Palin, even if she is aware that Stop, Drop, and Roll is for fires. Still kudos to you Larsa! You take that target home to show Mr. Pippen. He's going to be as proud of you as you were of his downward dog skills.

Moment Two: The Clurb

Every season needs to have someone who gets a bit bawdy, and I feel Adriana will provide our Lisa Vanderpump levels of horn dog-ness. After cruising on nearly ever gent at the Miami Fashion week (lady knows how to spot a nicely carried crown jewel) and strutting the catwalk, the ladies take it to the nightlife at Casa Tua. Here she's in her prime element, flirting with some gents, culminating in a lovely sandwich dance. (It's like riding a horse, or so they say). Always glorious to begin a season with some good, clean, grindin'.

Moment Three: The Dinner Party

I loved every mandolin-slicing moment. Maybe it's because avocados are my life-force, maybe it's because I was as addicted to Lea on her Blackberry as Leas was to her Blackberry, or maybe it was because I so adored the big reveal of Adriana's past, but I consider this meal a harbinger of things to come. This season's going to be spicy and it's going to be phenomenal. I hope you downloaded your Will Smith singles, and dusted off your blazers (to wear with nothing underneath, obvs). It's Miami time!


Hahahahaha!!!!! I LOVE The Birdcage! Armand! hahahaha! "Lots of people doing Robin Williams' "Martha Graham" dance?" YOU ARE A RIOT! LMAO!