Cast Blog: #RHOM

Is Perception Reality?

A Therapeutic Season for Alexia

Lea's Final Thoughts on the Season

Lea's Double Standards

Hoping to Move Forward with Lea

An X-Rated Reunion

Lisa's Vegas Regret

Joanna's Perfect Day

Lea and the Beefy Bus Boy Duo

Lea's Lip Service

Lisa's "Peacemaker" Problems

Alexia's Not Sweating the Small Stuff

Real Friends Don't Hold Grudges

A Fun Party, Minus the Distractions

Apologizing to Lea

Alexia's Anniversary Celebration

Lisa Loves Texas

Meet Joanna's New Puppy!

Lea's Walk Down Memory Lane

Adriana's Wedding Full of Waiting

Adriana's Two Loves

May Adriana Live Happily Ever After

Romain's Troubled Past

Alexia's Birthday Drama

Meet Dr. Sex Therapist Lisa

The Wedding Evite Explained

Targeted by the Hate Club

Lisa's Button-Pushing Behavior

Peter's Healing Process

Lenny's Lipo

Lea's Over the Haters

Adriana's Difficult Past

Joanna Talks Role Playing

Update on Elsa

Recovering Frankie and Peter

Lisa's Bridesmaid Ultimatum

Joanna's Outright Insult

The Birkin Bag Bonanza

Adriana's Glamorous 'Great Gatsby' Wedding

Lisa's In-Law Issues

Shocked by Lea's Secrets

Is Perception Reality?

Lea Black shares her take on the premiere.

After watching the first episode of the new and improved Real Housewives of Miami, I just had to wonder -- are we all that different really? Do we all view the world that differently, or is it just more comfortable to talk in clichés? Are we more used to criticizing than complimenting? Are we in the habit of looking for what's wrong or looking for what's right in the world we live in?

Well from the World of Lea Black, here's how I see it.

Miami was showcased in all of its grandeur -- the sexiest city on earth and magnificent beyond description -- or was that just the visual I saw? So while listening to some of the girls describe it as "full of jealous people" (sometimes true), "people will walk all over you" (stilettos and all) ,"the rich are always trying to undo you" ( I guess when they're not counting their money or polishing their diamonds,) "it’s smoke and mirrors" (hidden amongst the white beaches, the blue skies, and the skyline of over-the-top architectural buildings), and, of course, "everyone’s a recovering alcoholic" (or chilled out on Xanax -- Xanax is the new booze). And is that the "old Miami" that should just shrivel up and cry, or "move over?"  After all, the old Miami is now the new Miami, I hear.  It just made me think maybe I do live in a state of non-reality reality. Oh never mind, that would be a Housewives show? Obviously we will all disagree on everything all of time -- so when in doubt, just believe me. As you know by now, I can deal with a lot, but "I can’t deal with stupid."

The Miami I know is stunningly beautiful wrapped up in a diversified and vibrant culture. We attract people from all around the globe. People come from all over the world come to vacation where we get to live (sometimes without even a green card). I really love those people, because they will pay any price to be part of paradise that we sometimes take for granted.

As the show opens with Mama Elsa and Marysol, we find that the psychic (the one that “can connect" psychic) predicts Marysol will meet women full of gossip (like there are any other kinds of women?). Oh, and we know they're new "friends" not old "friends." (Whew! Glad I am off the hook on that one!) Wonder what the psychic says about Phillipe?  Hmmm, I’m still stuck at Marysol wishing she had her eye on something for her anniversary as Mama asks what she’s gonna’ do with her wedding ring and predicts more marriages. Did Mama not get the memo? We don’t talk about that. Oh well, what goes on in the jewelry store stays in the jewelry store, or at least that’s what I always hope for.

Then we go to Ana with the daughters she doesn't want to leave the nest. How cute is that husband, ex-husband, best friend, dad, partner-in-business man that has quite the way with words? I've heard of putting barbeque sauce on a lot of things, but… well, let’s just leave it at that. And I now realize why I prefer air kisses and hugs to handshakes (thank you, Ana, for that reminder).
Ana then points out that Colombian women perhaps have a way with men (thanks for the memo, us gringas don't always know that stuff). That’s important because we soon meet Karent, who proudly announces herself as an accomplished Colombian woman (with an 18-inch waistline, just in case you didn't notice). Might there be more to that story? Wonder if the "I didn’t know you go both ways" joke was a Freudian slip? No it wasn't. I'm just kidding, but I know you were hoping (wink!)! Maybe there is something more to that “threesome.” Did I say that? I didn’t mean it; I meant, maybe there's something more involving “those three people,” one of which is a Colombian woman (fortunately we've had a little insight to them). But it’s all good -- depending on how you look at it I guess.

If you aren't confused by now, don't worry, you will be within the next few weeks. I’m still trying to figure it all out. I guess when you mix all those different cultures, add in love and romance, and did someone say "jealousy" when describing Miami? Well seems like the perfect storm could become a hurricane? Wonder who this hurricane will be named after? I think we are up to the "I”s now, as in Hurricane Isaac that hit a couple of weeks ago -- doesn't K and R (as in Rodolfo, mystery man who?) come after "I"? Some people are just unlucky with the alphabet I guess. Gotta blame it on something, because everyone’s right in this scenario, or so I've been told... It’s complicated.
Just when you think you've overdosed on sexy Latin women, in walks the Brazilian bombshell with the magnifique French lover. We all know by now Adriana has a passion for art. As Frederick explains the unfinished boat is a canvas for his soon to be piece of art -- she said she "loved art," but she didn’t say “I wanna’ live inside a piece of art.” (Something got lost in translation, but her face translates it all.) For someone who gets car sick, air sick, and sea sick, and that likes to walk around in 6-inch heels, hates being in the sun (no sun on that wrinkle-less, flawless face), I’m thinking Fredrick had me at "what was he thinking?" Or was he? Between the piano sliding around, riding the waves and the sea salt eating away at the Basquiat paintings she so cherishes and the walk-in closet, the dog, a kid, and a few hundred pairs of shoes, I hope this doesn’t drive them to becoming some of those "recovering alcoholics" we heard about earlier. And when she's inevitably late will she "miss the boat?" Oh, the stress.

Back to Mama--

Now we hear the dog took a Xanax and hid in the closet? Did she say the dog? Or did she say... oh, never mind.
Enter Smith and Wollensky swine and food festival party. It’s hot and crowded and just before I snubbed Lisa (more about that later), Marysol mentions the gala red carpet of two years ago -- that's the story that just keeps on giving. Yawn. Oh well, next year I will just ask Elsa to do it.

Finally, something serious to talk about. A real love story triangle involving a telenovela soap opera hunk from Mexico that Karent has her “teeth” into -- dentists do that you know. (I think he’s from Mexico, I really can't keep up with all these different cultures.) We have this 18-inch-waistline Colombian woman (did I mention she's the dentist to the stars?), and fortunately we now know about those Colombian women (thank you, Ana), a Latin telenovela star, and an older woman, (for a moment I thought maybe Karent was talking about me. Ouch!) Let’s get this party started. We are now at sex and lies... wonder when the video tapes will come in? I was actually sitting at the table listening to the whooolllllleeeeeee "he said, she said, they said, he heard, she heard, they texted" conversation; but perhaps I was yawning too much and someone had the good sense not to show my face. Yawn. Geeezzz. Really?

OMG forgive me. I left out our biggest pride and joy, supermodel super fab Joanna and that adorable hunk of hers. I think you saw enough of them. Not gonna’ enable all that fabulousness or give it any more attention. Well except for the adorable and talented sister Marta, who obviously comes back and forth from LA because the eye candy and the drama in the Miami house is far better than anywhere in Hollywood (where they make all those boring low budget movies with real actors, yuk). Who cares about scripted TV -- this is far more interesting. Can't make this stuff up.And we have seen some Emmy-award-winning crocodile-tear moments. Oh, the sagas of the real life housewife -- or not really housewife but maybe someday a housewife? Does it matter? It’s all so fun to watch, housewife, non-housewife, does anyone really care? Translation: the new housewife is any woman with a house (apartment, car, garage, a beach or a party) filled with drama. And if you're hot and sexy, well that makes you a super housewife. Then there’s the super-duper housewives (I’ll just let you think about that one).

Now, all about me. I mean I wouldn’t be a real "housewife" if it weren't all about me (Real Housewife Qualification #1). Did I snub Lisa? You'll just have to see how that one plays out, but I will give you a hint, I had said hello to at least a hundred people before I got to her and meant to go back to her, but then Elsa walked in. Elsa and I had spoken earlier in the day and she specifically asked me and I promised her that I would hang with her if she showed up. She was reluctant to go, not necessarily wanting to be in big crowds (and stay tuned, turns out her intuition was right). Hint #2, I think we may all eventually conclude that Lisa is very sensitive. Adorable, but very sensitive. (Did I mention her husband created her? (Not really, but it would be a good advertisement for his plastic surgery business, no?)  So, let me just apologize now, “Sorry Lisa, I could have given you more attention.” (But who knew you wanted any of my attention?) I'm sort of touched by that, I can be sensitive too, you know.). Strong and sensitive -- they're not mutually exclusive. Stay tuned and you can decide.

Hope you liked Episode 1. And if I left anyone out -- I've been known to snub you know -- don't take it personally. Enjoy the calm, it doesn't last for long. They don't refer to the Miami heat just because of the weather, the hurricanes which don't always include rain, and the mosquitoes really bite, those pesky little mosquitoes, I have names for a few of them. (Just kidding.  Not.)Spread the love and keep the peace (then tune in and see if I practice what I preach). LOL!  Can't wait until we chat again next week. I've got a lot to deal with this week -- but there's one thing I won’t be dealing with... (stop it, I know what you're thinking, and the shoe doesn't fit you... promise).

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