Here we are Episode Six, the finale.
I want to say how much all of you mean to me! I have so many women opening up to me and telling me how they are completely moved by my experiences in my life. My life journey has thus far been full and difficult to say the least, but all of you are making me realize the reasons why I had to go through all that I have. There are so many of you reaching out to me and filling me with such warmth, love, support and understanding, telling me I am helping you because you have been through the same thing I have. I want to say that while you are thanking me and looking to me for advice, I am so very grateful to all of you who fill me with such joy, happiness and love. It is you that I am thankful for. Thank you for giving me such courage and enlightenment. You are the ones lighting my path. Thank you for showing me how we can ban together and lift one another up. Thank you from the depths of my healing heart!
To all of you who defend my honor and demand respect on FB, I thank you for being my friends and all of you are indeed that! My friends! I will stop what I am doing for any one of you to listen and feel your joy or pain! Anything you need emotionally good bad or indifferent I will do my best to help even if that means to just listen. There is a lot to be said for listening to someone when they speak. I teach my children each and every day to be supportive of other women in life. I teach them to be supportive of others and respect their personal choices, because no one can know or how any idea what a person has been through in life. If you don’t listen and pay attention to someone when they speak, you may just miss learning a vital life lesson that God was trying to teach you by learning from someone else's experience. If you ignore others, you may just have to learn these lessons yourself, the hard way! Like the many lessons I have had to learn on this show. It has been drilled into my head time and again that you need to be equally as open with all women and I ask you to do the same with me. I ask you to pay close attention to instances that involve me that are a double standard on this show. I am certain that each one of you, at one time or another in your life, has met a woman that you instantly clicked with as a friend. Yes, Jacqueline and I met briefly before the taping of the show and I don’t see what is wrong with our instant connection.
Thank you for this opportunity to be heard by each and every one of you! Thank you for your time and patience! Thank you for your continued outpouring of love and support to my children and myself! Thank you mostly to all of you for paying close attention to my pain, my words, my experiences and my life! Thank you for telling me openly how you relate to me. Thank you for coming up to me in public and feeling comfortable with me and opening up to me and telling me how much my girls and I mean to you!
Thank you to my entire community of gay friends who have given me something to look forward to, and who understand that I, much like them, should not be judged so quickly by others. We are all human and need love. Each one of us was important enough to be born. We all have purpose, we all fit in, we all make a difference! You are my dear friends and all of you know it too!
I go to mass every Sunday. I receive renewed blessings from receiving Holy Communion, the body of Christ and wine, the blood. No offense, but I am not evil. I am forgiven by the highest powers from above. I have hurt those who I love and who love me and they have forgiven me. Why is it that those who are indeed not my superiors in spirit or in life are so harshly prosecuting me? They are not the Holy Spirit, God, the Giver of Life. They are human just like me. I want everyone to get along and be positive forces in life. So many are looking to us for guidance now. It's time to make a difference in life.
I sat with my daughters simply to show them some modeling photos from past and then some more recent pictures I call my celebration years, because I was in my mid 30’s and gained 62 pounds while I was pregnant with Jillian. I was simply showing them a picture of me 11 weeks after giving birth and I was in good shape at the time. I had a FEMALE personal trainer my husband had found me - 1993 Ms Olympia. She trained me for 6 months and was the ONLY trainer I ever had. She was amazing - she taught me how to properly tone, but for the pictures I was pretty built up and cut up and that was the reason my daughter Christine said that's scary and they both gasped. I would never show my children inappropriate photos. My kids are proud of me and we are all very close. As you can see by example my children are well-adjusted incredible people who are both excellent STUDENTS and excellent ATHLETES. I am so proud of them. I know they can be anything they want to be, because they understand the reality life. They know nothing will be EVER be handed to them, and if they want something, they know to just GO achieve it for themselves. The accomplishment of doing it yourself is much more fulfilling!! They know because when they get their A’s they did that on their own. All I did was believe in them and provide the proper support and study materials. The rest was them and they know it! They are my world!
I want to say that people can do what they want to me, but stay clear of hurting my children and try to remember while you have a huge family and network for yourselves and your children, my children have me and I have them! My family means EVERYTHING to me! I have a job - my children are my job and my greatest accomplishments in life.
Clearly no one wanted me at this dinner party, why is a mystery to me. Albeit I have been a bit difficult to understand and have harbored a ton of anger towards Dina, but I really had no reason to have such strong distain towards her. We had a misunderstanding from the start, YES, but the rest is still unclear to me as to how it got so out of control. I cannot confirm any particulars at this time, however, I am not going to hold back in the future. I may have to disclose certain information that could have only come from one source in order for people to realize my feelings towards her were not my own, but they were manipulated, seeded, watered, and amplified by another source, perhaps to make someone else feel better, I am not sure. However, I am now in a positive light and will stay there. But there is no way I should be the brunt of all the hate they spew! I was merely a messenger! Leave it at that.
Apologies to Dina for putting sole blame on her perhaps one day we will talk and she will understand. It is only my intention to move forward in life. I have no regrets nor do I have anger. I have released all bad and want only good now. I wish well to Dina who was definitely not deserving of being in the direct line of fire. She participated yes but I am still not exactly clear at what level. At that time I was believing everything someone told me and then of course I would add to it making it worse. I will never again believe anything unless it is confirmed by the source. In simple terms I will do as I tell my children……take the issue up with the issuer, period.
Here is the deal.
We all have ex's - be it girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands, and even wives. What if your ex wrote about you after you were broken up or divorced? And what if this ex was not only an ex, but an admitted felon, drug addict, alcoholic batterer, armed robber, manic depressant with bipolar disorder? Would you want his or her written word of you and your life to be viewed as the Bible - the truth? And if people were not kind enough to address this with you – issue...issuer thing – would you want to use the only opportunity you get to have everyone in the same room to tell your story? Would you be able to do so if you were treated as I had been treated? Well if you say no, you wouldn’t, then you are the only one that believes it. Studies and history show everyone deserves to say their peace. Too bad none of you really wanted to listen. I found it disturbing that all the children were present when there were explicit talks of sexual relations in the room going on and the children were the same distance away when I wanted to speak about my past. But my arrest and the book were not a subject to be spoken of in front of children, yet the content of the conversation that far was? I’m confused! Again double standard - you be the judge. However I did not at any point object to the children leaving and let me be clear about that! I respect your choices as parents and I am not judging, however, I deserve the same respect in the way I choose to raise my children.
I never said anything about who I spoke to at Chateau. It was Caroline who mentioned names, not me. I simply said I was told at Chateau.
I watch this episode and feel as though all of you think you are God or a jury? I was punished and cleared of these crimes over two decades ago. I am happy the truth is out. I am happy to be free. I am sad that you hurt my children with this, however I would have had to tell them eventually so I am grateful at the same time. For now it is done. For the record I did not change my name to hide from my past - I changed it to hide from my ex. The father of my children had no problem with it, so why on earth would you? Seriously I do hope your lives are all normal and pure and good, because that is truly a blessing. And I am happy for all of you having wonderful husbands (two of you were lucky to find a second husband) and families to love you unconditionally. Why is it so wrong for me to want the same in life? To be loved unconditionally and feel safe. Again, double standard - you be the judge.
No one deserves to be called names like that, NO ONE. Not one woman deserves to be called those names, NOT ONE!!! Especially knowing children are present! There is no excuse for that. You get your kids to leave so they do not hear a thing,yet you scream loud enough for the kids to hear you anyway. Again, double standard - you be the Judge.
As for the table, well sure, blame that on your temper I guess.
In all of this I do believe I have grown and I am totally grateful to Bravo and each and every one of these ladies for this experience.
I am very excited to now be able to write my own book and move forward with my life. I have such a positive outlook and I know if there is one person watching that decides to not attack another woman because of what they saw me going through, then it is worth it all. Please build one another up instead of tearing each other down. Thank you to my newfound friend, in whom I have found a new light and trust. I am grateful for her guiding me to keep me positive. I will tell you more on my soul sister later. God Bless!!
Love & Warmth