Ask Caroline

Caroline Manzo tackles questions on parenting, relationships, and self-esteem.

on May 16, 20110

Andrea from Houston, TX says: How do you forgive someone that has hurt you in the past?

Caroline says: Forgiveness takes a fair amount of courage Andrea. You need to step past the hurt and betrayal and move forward while leaving all the baggage behind. 

I think a key factor in forgiveness is communication. You need to talk about your hurt with the offender and make sure that there's a clear understanding of the hows and the whys of the situation. Hopefully there's a mutual understanding which allows you both to move forward in a healing direction. 

On the flip side, there are times when the offender doesn't recognize what they've done or maybe they don't care to recognize the offense. This is where it gets tricky. This is where you have to be the bigger person and just let it go. Sometimes you have to understand people for who and what they are, their personality DNA. When you recognize that there will be no give and take, but you understand that there needs to be resolution, that's when you have to put your big girl pants on and let it go. Things may be awkward at first, but over time will eventually return to normal or whatever normal is for that relationship. Just know what your dealing with and hopefully you won't have to relive or repeat an uncomfortable situation.

Another reason we hurt is because we care. If we didn't care it wouldn't hurt, right? Therefore, where there is caring and love, there is forgiveness. You can't expect hearts to mend right away, it's a process. Take your time and allow your feelings to adjust. In will happen, promise 

When life gives you heartache, there's usually a lesson in there somewhere. Look for it and learn from it! Remember, we're all human and make mistakes; it's the end game that counts. Good luck!

4 comments
linda425
linda425

Well let me start by saying that i think you're a Role Model..and I just want to ask for your advice.. ME and my mom always argue about things I tried so hard not say anything back and if i do she always throws inn face how i am overweight and that just makes me think so bad of myself what should I do?? I understand if you do not reply...Thanks..=)

kiserkitten
kiserkitten

Hello Caroline , I am a 52 yr old mother of 2 sons, ages 23,26. My youngest son was in trouble when he was 14, he was sent away for approx 2-3 yrs . When it was time for him to come home I wasn't able financially to bring him home also the partner that I was with would not let him come home . I have regretted this from the time I allowed it to happen. I have a very strained relationship with him. The whole time he was in placement I went to visit and was very supportive of him. He had always said that he was OK with my being with a woman. Now He is being distant and says we don't have anything in common and won't come to see me .He states this is because I am a lesbian , but yet he says he doesn't want me to change. I would do anything for both my children I love them so much. I am at my wits end I feel like he hates me and is being very judgmental . I don't know what else I can do to repair this relationship.