Jay Mohr expounds upon the magnificence of Joe Giudice's splits.
Episode 7 starts out with Teresa and Melissa having a meeting of the minds in Jacqueline's house. From the looks of the den, it is safe to say that Jacqueline loves scrap booking, knick-knacks, and Netsukes. The shelves are lined with Precious Moments figurines, and Teresa and Melissa are seated at a giant Ouija board. This may end with the floor opening up and taking their souls.
For the most part they speak in circles, but these are some of the highlights that I have gathered. Melissa tells Teresa that, "It hasn’t been about family with you." This is ridiculous. Teresa is sitting with her sister-in-law discussing her brother and the effect of their fight on her parents. It's ALL about family for Teresa in this instance. I don't want to seem like a Teresa fan every week, it's just that when the ladies sit down to have these think tanks, Teresa just seems to make more sense to me. For example, how could Melissa say regarding her husband, "He wants his sister to be real," when last week Joey Gorga told Teresa to her face that, "Melissa doesn't like you, because you tell it like it is." Pick a lane Gorgas, which is it? Do you want Teresa to be real or are you mad at Teresa for being real? I need to know, like, for real. Teresa mentions that Joey Gorga has some outstanding plumbing bills that someone asked Joe Giudice to cover. In her interview, Melissa says, "If there's a plumber that's unhappy, that's very normal." I think she's right. I read in a make-believe magazine in my head that behind dentists and architects, plumbers have the third highest suicide rate in the country.
I had to rewind Melissa's interview a few times to hear what she was saying, because I was too distracted by her emerald green blouse from Strawberry that was about three sizes too tight. Maybe she got it at Marshalls. She is too big for it or it's too small for her, I can't figure it out. Eventually Teresa channels her inner D.J. Rob Base and says, "It takes two." Melissa wants to believe Teresa, but says she has a little person on her shoulder that says, "Bullsh--." Apparently the little person on Melissa's shoulder has a potty mouth. Teresa and Melissa spend the next few minutes saying things that sound like pieces from a Blue Mountain Arts greeting card. There are also some sentences from Dr. Phil, and I think some type of reference to whack-a-mole. As far as sit-downs go, this one isn't exactly Frost/Nixon, and the girls seem to begrudgingly make up.
To get ready for their trip to the Catskills, Jacqueline grabs a few thousand bottles of wine and Chris empties out his gun closet. Terrific. Jacqueline seems uncomfortable around the guns and says to Chris, "I'm getting my period. Do you really want me around guns?" I think that was Aileen Wuornos' defense. It still beats the Twinkie defense.
Across town, Melissa and her sister Lysa are getting ready for Antonia's ballroom dancing class. At one point in their conversation, Lysa has on so much eye shadow that when she goes to roll her eyes, she has to stop and start over again. Lysa is just starting to get some camera time, but she has made it very clear that she is ready to jump eye shadow first into this fight. At the end of the discussion, Melissa says that she’s afraid this might be "the final draw." Why can't any of the Housewives get an expression right? I hope it's not "the final draw," because I want to see what happens when Teresa isn't "calm as a whistle."
We find Kathy sitting at her desk going over all of her recipes. Kathy explains to Richie that she may want to use her recipes to open a catering business. Richie tries to get her to think big and maybe open a restaurant. This would be a good idea. The Housewives would always have a place to have their meetings. Just make sure if Teresa and Joey are coming by that you pre-order extra tables and set up a hat check. Richie wants a big restaurant and says to Kathy, "I'm not talking about just pigs in a blanket here." Why not? That would be the greatest restaurant in the world. "Kathy's House of Piggies in a Blanket" right off of Route 3 near Giants' Stadium. Piggies in a blanket by the way is also what they call it when you tuck the Kardashians in at night.
I have to take a time out here and give some respect to Richie. For a Lebanese guy, he is the most Italian guy I have ever seen. He looks like a handsome Andrew Dice Clay, if Andrew Dice Clay went to college. Also is anyone else worried about Richie's peripheral vision with those enormous sides he has on his glasses? He looks like a carriage horse wearing blinders.
When the gang arrives in the Catskills, the house looks like an immigration check-point. Teresa is wearing Chewbacca boots and has also dipped into the Blossom wardrobe with her bizarre knit hat with a flower in the front. There are lots of deer mounted on the walls, there is a mountain lion stuffed above the television, and Joe Giudice is having a cocktail out of a Nyquil cup. The house looks like something out of a Coen brothers' movie. Joe's father is making sauce in the kitchen, and people are showing off machine guns in the bedrooms. It's like The Untouchables meets the cantina scene from Star Wars. As they toast, Joe Sr. says, "Welcome to the country club." Yes, the country club where you pay dues with Drakkar Noir cologne and acrylic nails.
As the evening continues, Teresa gets drunker than Mel Gibson at Moon Shadows. What followed later in the evening was some pretty graphic sex talk. I admit to you here that it made me a little uncomfortable. I will try to keep the re-telling cleaner than the original telling of the stories. Teresa complains that Joe says Jacqueline is better at oral sex than Teresa. How Chris and Joe would know this or feel comfortable sharing this information is beyond me. Jacqueline steps forward and says that she is indeed the best at fellatio. I immediately rewound and checked out to see which one of the ladies had more jewelry. By the way, my wife is covered in diamonds, sorry, Jacqueline. Jacqueline then yells to Joe Giudice, "Lick her face! LICK HER FACE!" Then Teresa admits to the table that maybe in bed she will (I'm trying to work clean here) give Joe's rear end a really good French kiss. Teresa and Jacqueline sit down to have a heart to heart talk, but it's hard to take them seriously because they're dressed like Elmer Fudd and a flapper.
Adding into the malapropism pile, Teresa explains, "That's the way the way the ball drops."
Richie takes Kathy out to look at a few places to open her "piggies in a blanket" restaurant. Kathy looks very unhappy during all of this, and is dressed like Diane Keaton in Annie Hall. One of the properties they look at gets dismissed by Kathy. She doesn't like it because she says it has a "Jersey Italian feel." So does this show. Richie tells the realtor, "It looks like a big, cold box." I hope he's talking about the restaurant.
Back at the Catskills house, Joe and Teresa wake up in a randy mood. Joe keeps slapping Teresa's ass, and I am guessing that Teresa didn't do dirty things to Joe's ass unless she found a hole in his long underwear. In her interview, Teresa takes out a sex toy and shows it to us. It's a ring that Joe apparently wears around his penis and it vibrates. Unfortunately it looks like it was made for the penis of a toddler. (Note to self: If my wife ever shows people a ring for my penis, make sure it's a truck tire.)
Caroline shows up to the cabin with the boys and a woman that looks like an Italian Faye Resnik. When they get there, every one is incredibly hungover. I hope Teresa is the most hungover, because that is the only way to explain her clothing. I think she took one of the deer off the wall and wrapped it around her body. She looks like a bedazzled Pocahontas. Later in the show, Caroline explains that when you have a large family, "It's not a family, it's a tribe." That explains Teresa's outfit.
Back at the Gorga house, Joe and Melissa are about to walk out the door to go to the dance recital. Melissa is wearing a pretty red dress and Joe Gorga tries to give her some of his poison. He says, "You know what red does to me!" That's proof that he is an actual bull. He sees red and he has to charge. Joey grabs Melissa's rear end as they walk towards the front door, and as they walk out of the house, he has a video camera and is actually filming Melissa's ass. He really is an ass man. In the car Joey Gorga says to Melissa, "I'm your father." I hope not. You were just grabbing her ass! (By the way, this has happened several times over the season. I couldn't keep ignoring it.)
Back at the cabin it's dinnertime, and Caroline is grossed out by the roasted pig. I feel bad for roasted pigs, because they never get to finish their apple. Shortly after the roasted pig, Chris brings out a roasted lamb that looks like it's still smiling. Chris then beheads the lamb and pokes Caroline in the back with it. I almost puked watching this, because it looked like there were tubes hanging out of the roasted lambs head. Was the lamb on dialysis before he got killed? Teresa then lands the funniest line of the season when she says, "Come have some lasagna, it wasn't running around." It's meat lasagna, so it actually was running around, just not as recently.
The comedy gods smile on us during this segment. The gang starts talking about whether or not Joe Giudice can still do the splits. Suddenly a picture of Joe Giudice appears from the heavens. In the photo he has a mustache and smile like Borat, and he is doing the splits while wearing orange dolphin shorts. In the photo, Joe Giudice isn't doing the splits on a floor. He is doing the splits with his toes on a railing. It looks like he is suspended there with marionette strings. Wherever he is, whether it's under a boardwalk or an overpass on the highway, the ground is covered with so much bird crap that it looks like snow. In short, this is the greatest picture that has ever been taken. If I had to, I would choose this picture over the Zapruder film.
Joe and Jacqueline immediately get into a split contest on the kitchen floor in the cabin. Jacqueline is impressive and just drops it like it's hot right then and there. After that, somehow, inexplicably Joe Giudice follows her down. Wearing work boots and Guess Jeans, Joe Giudice slowly but ever so surely winds up in a split. This may be the greatest moment of the season. Joe says, "It's been twenty years!" Lets hope it isn't another twenty. Joe Giudice doing the splits in Guess Jeans while wearing work boots is the most disturbing/greatest thing I have ever seen. It's more alarming than drunk people with fire arms and a headless pig with tubes COMBINED. If the producers were smart, they would put Joe Giudice doing the splits in the opening credits every week. They should even do it for the Housewives shows he isn't on. It would be amazing to cut from Camille Grammar to Lisa VanderPump then straight to Joe Giudice doing the splits in dolphin shorts with a Borat mustache. As we go to commercial, Chris says to Joe, "You spread easy!" Joe simply replies, "I do." This is probably an exchange born out of another awkward conversation between the guys.
The gang decides that after a long night of drinking they should all go out and ride quads. Thankfully no one got hurt. Joe Giudice warns Teresa, "There are bears out here!" Yes there are Joe. They're driving quads. Joe also says, "I wanna pop a wheelie." After he says this, I wonder if he is speaking in code and Teresa will have to take out the penis ring.
Back to civilization, we are inside the dance studio for Antonia's holiday dance. Only in New Jersey would a holiday dance have an open bar and a disco ball. Richie and crew roll in looking fabulous. Teresa and Joey's mother is there looking stunning as well. Joey immediately takes his mother out onto the dance floor and spins her and dips her enough that the rest of the family becomes a little alarmed. It looks more like a mugging than a dance. Joey looks so damn happy for the first time since the show started. Teresa is so happy with everyone else up in the woods, maybe she and Joey SHOULDN'T get back together. They are both so happy apart. Eventually an Italian Andy Cohen comes out onto the dance floor and starts the show. The first dance is some type of Turkish number. After that some woman older than Kim G. comes out and does some freakishly bizarre feathered boa dance. Richie leans over and says, "I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone!" The dances keep getting weirder until finally Melissa announces, "This is her! Put the camera on!" Then an enormous black guy walks out, and I begin to wonder if we are all in the Twilight Zone. Antonia comes out and does her dance, and she is so good that G to the ia better start watching her back. This may evolve into a full-fledged family dance battle. I think in her interview Melissa said the word, "Fustrated," but who cares, Joe Giudice did the splits!
Back up at the cabin, our New Jersey gang decides to hit up a local hillbilly bar. It looks like aliens have landed when they all walk in. Teresa agrees with me, because in her interview she says, "It was like Fifth Avenue enraided the Catskills." Yes, she said "enraided," so this may be the best episode ever. Albie or Christopher (I don't know which, because Joe Giudice did the splits) says it was, "Weird as hell, there were some freaks in there." This is all said during cut away shots of Albie dancing on a stripper pole and sipping his drink out of a tiny straw. So, yes, there were some freaks in that bar. They were just divided into two groups.
Teresa gets on stage and uses the karaoke machine to try and auction off her friend Dolores to the next available single hillbilly bachelor. The next morning, the crew shoots off some rifles and then decides to go to church. The church is conveniently located at the end of the driveway. What's even better than that is the fact that Joe Giudice's father built that church with his bare hands! That…is…gangsta! After all these jokes about what people are wearing and saying, and after all the goofy cut away shots, this episode ends in a church in the woods that a little old man built for himself, by himself. After all the whiskey and guns and dances and malapropisms, Episode 7 leaves us in a quiet, safe place. A special place. A place to worship and give thanks standing around with friends and family. And of course the memory of Joe Giudice doing the splits.