Jay Mohr

Jay Mohr wants to be a Gorga kid next Christmas.

on Jul 31, 2011


The snow is falling on a perfect New Jersey Christmas morning.  For the first time since I moved to Santa Monica, I am officially homesick. Jacqueline is rocking some seriously fierce Farrah Fawcett hair in her interview. She explains that she is a little disappointed that Ashley hasn’t given her a Christmas or a Mother’s day present in years. I will interject here with some personal wisdom and advice. Jacqueline: In this lifetime most of us give and take. As we bob along in this rushing river of time, sometimes if we pause we can see that some people here on Earth are just takers. Once you identify someone as a “taker” you can’t be disappointed by their lack of empathy and care towards you, because they can’t even help it. They’re takers. You just have to keep giving. Never stop giving.
Melissa’s living room on Christmas morning looks like a cross between a Macy’s show room and an Old Navy commercial. Look closely and you will see a shot of tiny Joey where he looks EXACTLY like Joey Gorga’s father. It’s beautiful.  The presents are everywhere. If you’re a child in New jersey, you definitely want to be a Gorga come Christmas time. Clothing is everywhere, Louis Vuitton luggage, gold Rolex watches, popcorn machines, and drum kits! I want to be a Gorga, but I already took my blood oath for the Manzos. Damn! This always happens to me. It’s like when I got jumped in to the Grape Street Crips and the next day the Crenshaw Mafia came through and said all new members will get free extra foam at all Magic Johnson Starbucks. When will I learn? Melissa tells us in her interview that since it’s Jesus’s birthday (his 90th), she doesn’t mind spending a ton of money. Yes, Melissa, good call. Jesus loved money. In the book of John, Jesus kicks over the money tables at the temple because they wouldn’t break his hundred, right? I digress. I’ll tell you as long as he’s breaking off gold Rolexes and Louis Vuitton rollers, I will gladly marry Joey Gorga. It’s legal now too! Joey, call me!
Christmas at Teresa’s is starting off very slowly. It seems T and the girls are having a difficult time waking Joe up from his red wine hibernation. When they finally manage to tilt the bed and roll daddy down the stairs, the present party gets underway. The girls tear through their presents very, very happily. I get happy watching them being happy. Suddenly I see a drum set and I get an impending sense of doom. How long before Melissa and Teresa have a huge cat fight over who stole the drum set idea from whom? Hopefully they will joining forces and tour with Melissa after her single drops. Both families will be in the band, and there will be two drum sets on stage playing harmoniously together like they did in The Grateful Dead. After she opens her present from Joe and tries it on, Teresa dangerously asks about diamonds. It’s Christmas morning, so don’t go breaking his chops about a diamond!