Jay Mohr

Comedian Jay Mohr gives thanks for Joe Gorga... and his many hats.

on Jun 6, 20110

As Episode 204 gets underway I notice that Joe Gorga always has something on his head. He is either wearing a cabbie hat or a knit hat or a do-rag or a bandana. I cannot for the life of me figure out why a grown man loves hats so much. Maybe he’s afraid that if he gets an idea it will roll out of his head onto the sidewalk so he prefers to keep all of his ideas and thoughts under wraps. We have to give credit to the Bravo producers for realizing that they have a star on their hands and deciding to open the show with Joe Gorga (oh yeah, and Melissa) at the supermarket getting ready for Thanksgiving. Joe leaves the butcher counter holding a rump roast and tells the butcher, as he slaps the meat, “I’m an ass man!” Oh, if ever there was a perfect place for a comma. One comma would have made the same sentence even more beautiful and perfect. “I’m an ass, man!”

On the way to the market we hear Melissa say, “Let’s go get a turkey.” Ordinarily I would have written, “You already have one sitting next to you in the car,” but let’s face it, Joe Gorga is no turkey. He is a bright shining Thunderbird sent to us by the television gods. My stance on the Gorgas seems to be softening the more I see of their children. Holy smokes these two make gorgeous kids. In fact, I would even go so far as to say that Antonia is one of the most beautiful children I have ever seen. I hope in the coming weeks after someone has read these blogs to Joe Gorga, he doesn’t kill me. Remember Joe, I am the one that told you how great your kids are. Now go look over there, I just saw something shiny.

Teresa and Joe are also on the hunt for Thanksgiving supplies. The big problem the Giudices are having is that they can’t get there. Somehow Teresa gets lost with both Joe telling her which way to go and GPS. Wasn’t Columbus Italian? Vasco da Gama was Italian. All the great explorers in the history of the world were Italian. Amerigo Vespucci found Florida and Teresa Giudice can’t find Pathmark. I guess that’s why Columbus did not set sail with the Nina, Pinta, Santa Maria, and the Teresa Mercedes. We’d all still be in Europe. I realize moments later that Teresa and Joe aren’t driving to buy a turkey, they are driving to kill a turkey. My bad. Teresa stop texting while driving!!! Joe and Teresa decide to pick out a turkey to kill and then go to the market and buy a Butterball as well. The logic behind this escapes me. Maybe it’s because I’m not wearing a hat. Is the butterball turkey there just to annoy the other turkey and rub it in? Teresa and Joe finally pull up to their turkey destination. It’s called something delicious like ROAD POULTRY. Road poultry? If I am going to start a business selling fresh meat I am going to try and leave visions of road kill out of it. After Road Poultry, Joe and Teresa have to make a few more stops at “Dumpster Hotdogs” “Mold on a Stick” and “Athlete’s Foot, Pudding, and Sons.”

I should pause here and let you know that I am an enormous meat eater. I believe that animals are here to be eaten. That’s why over thousands of years we have never evolved away from our incisors. We were meant to tear flesh and chew it. That is just my opinion. Animals are cute and lovely, but I also find them delicious. HOWEVER. Watching one of the Road Poultry guys chasing a bunch of turkeys  around to show Joe and Teresa truly made me queasy. The guy finally grabs one and the other turkeys just nonchalantly walk away, free to live another day. None of them have any idea that they were almost in Joe Giudice’s stomach. That should make anyone run. Then I started wondering, each year, how many turkeys get away? Do they ever have turkey jail breaks? Is there turkey work release? The day after Thanksgiving, do all the turkeys move into a halfway house?

378 comments
Amanda G
Amanda G

Columbus lost his way while trying to go to Asia, went the opposite way and "discovered" America. Teresa and he just might be related.

 Sp@nish215
Sp@nish215

hi jay your so funny and i love your blog the best Housewives BloG ever,you were great on the show taking over andy you definitly can be the temp while hes out i really enjoyed it!!! sounds like a kool new BRAVO Spin off that be kool bless ! keep up the Go0d Work Buddy We Need More Of You!!!!

Stellaroo
Stellaroo

"Were the elevator buttons not bright enough?" HILARIOUS!!!!

MohrFan
MohrFan

you made me snort so hard that when i tried to breathe my nostrils sealed themselves together and i almost died..laughing

niki jane
niki jane

Jay,,,plzzz keep up the blogging....funny as hella....and very truthfully observant..... :-}}}

hwfanatic!
hwfanatic!

Jay, your blog is better than the actual show!! I'm hooked!

Viewer 123
Viewer 123

Oh my! Another gem in the crown that is Jay Mohr blogs!

You have me thinking that orange Teresa could be a new drink, and your take on Ashley is once again hilarious. We need to invent new words to tell you how clevr, witty, and funny you are.

And, I'll get in the line for Chris Noth, too.

mishiemonroe
mishiemonroe

Jay - I didn't realize you were so talented! You've converted me! Now, if I could only get tickets to Watch it live or whatever the name of Bravo Andy's show is. See, I'm funny also! I ended my sentence with a verb.

Vanessa6999
Vanessa6999

Vasco Da Gama was Portuguese. But love the blog. Super funny.

Dorothy KennedyViewer
Dorothy KennedyViewer

Your blog may save the show. Would love to get you views on the "girls" of Orange county.

AJM
AJM

I will pay you myself to blog every HW show.

A Sane Person
A Sane Person

Next time I read your blog, I have to wear Depends! Laughed so hard and almost peed!

Brantley
Brantley

I like your blog even more than I like the show. You are saying exactly what I'm thinking about these nuts! Love it! Keep it up, I just hope Joe and Joe don't leave a horse head in your bed.

Sport
Sport

Jay, Jay, Jay! You are part of BRAVO period! Man, get Andy to get you a full time gig and then you won't have to travel so much.

Andy, please give Jay a full time job. He can appear on each housewife show...

Jay, I enjoy you so very much! You bring reality to these reality housewife shows. I loved your last comment about Joe's eyes. Incredible....the eyes!

Marye7ny
Marye7ny

You're a sick, sick, sick man Jay. I like that about you. Keep up the great work. Gorga power!

Atlantagal
Atlantagal

OMG Jay.........your recap of the housewives of NJ is almost as amusing as the show itself! If it is possible the ladies of NJ make the housewives of ATL look tame! The Gorga/Giudice feud is as low class as it gets, LOVE it, On a side note....Kathy's desserts look soooooo good because all of her gear is straight out of the Williams-Sonoma catalog. Love that place! Thanks for the laughs, looking forward to next week :)

Kara J
Kara J

Loved it and his eyes!

angelrae7
angelrae7

yours is the only blog I read; Please Bravo let Jay comment on all the RH blogs!

Viewer in buffalo
Viewer in buffalo

Jay,

I had intended to write a comment fake chastising you for your blog and then saying psych - that is until I read Ivana's comment. I think she just forgot to type psych at the end - right Ivana? Oh well, I am sure that was the case, unless she is labeling you as a mean girl... Oh my, now if that is the case then you have officially made it in the Real Housewives world. I mean you have to be labeled as a mean girl by someone just to make a name for yourself in this special universe right? (hehe)

Anywho, keep the great recaps coming. I love keeping people wondering why I am laughing out loud while I am sitting by myself with no book and the TV not on. You are the master of Housewives recaps and I bow to you for that, even if you are now a mean girl and all that.

loveyourshow45
loveyourshow45

should change my name to INEEDALIFE! but, remember-kids are off limits!

Deb G
Deb G

You definitely need to be included at the reunion.

Target Audience
Target Audience

Your blog is the only reason I still actually watch this show. Hysterical.

Nancy in Nashville
Nancy in Nashville

Jay, please come to St. Louis for a show! I never knew you were this f'ing funny til I read your blogs!

ClosetRHjunkie
ClosetRHjunkie

This season's RHONJ is quite bad but I find that I HAVE to watch it just so I can laugh my ass off at Jay's take on it! I no longer care about the show but I live for Jay's blog! When, Jay, when will you blog on all the RH cities? Pleeeeze? I'm begging to read your take on Cindy and Kelly in NY!!!

Rachelk
Rachelk

I love your commentary. I wish you could write for all of the shows all of the time. Very good.

2011RM
2011RM

"Low road people"....RIGHT ON JAY, RIGHT ON!!!! Keep up the great work!

Carline
Carline

AHAHAAAA! Thanks for making me laugh this morning. Thank GOD I wasn't the only one that was all "what the hell" when Kathy pronounced tiramasu. And your Japanese reference was perfect. haha. I laugh as I think about it now. You are definitely giving a fresh new perspective to these housewives and I love it!! If you came to NC for a show I'd go.

Melle28
Melle28

Ha, I look forward to your blogs more than the show now. :x Please blog for every housewives series. PLEASE

Jabeen
Jabeen

love your blog Jay...keep up the good work, I'm actually looking forward to the show so that I can read your blog after!!!

@kempable
@kempable

I thought showing Kathy's sister was so strange too. The mask Richie wore....oh man....I was thinking the same thing you said. Also, he did say he liked dark meat! Did you catch that one? I thought it was funny when Teresa accepted Jacqueline's "sprinkle cookies" saying she loves them (fakely), then later at dinner tells the story of how she hates those kind of cookies and threw Melissa's in the garbage. Her reaction was priceless! These blogs are the highlight of my week! Your eyes aren't to bad either!

Viewer3458
Viewer3458

Jay, You are too ridiculous. You made me laugh and I'm glad you like Joe Gorga's eyes.

Maximus Tucker
Maximus Tucker

Omg..you are so flipping funny! You need to comment on all the shows!

KristenLJR
KristenLJR

OMG!!! Too Funny for words!! You have them ALL pegged!!

Shannon S
Shannon S

Again, a dead-on, hysterical blog! As much as I love RHONJ, I think I may love your blog more! Your descriptions of "Rachel Dratch", Oshley and "Susan Boyle" are so beyond funny. Thanks for the belly laughs. I do have to say, I was a little, dare I say it, (love you Jay!) disappointed that you didn't mention Juicy Joe explaining to Teresa that Turkey Day is an American holiday, not a European holiday. Anyway, keep us laughing and I agree with the other comments, you must be at the reunion! :)

GoodGirlRoxy
GoodGirlRoxy

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE pitch to Mr. Cohen a "Mystery Science Theatre" type show where they re-play the episodes while you watch them out loud. Please. PLEASE.

the real jersey girl
the real jersey girl

Your blogs always leave me wanting MOHR :-) LOVE YOU & REALLY LOVE YOUR POINT OF VIEW!!!

lfg
lfg

why don't you have your own show on bravo. andy has watch what happen live, you should have watch what should not have happen live. reviewing clips with commentary.

OtieMom
OtieMom

Jay Mohr, you seriously need to write a blog for all the "Real Housewives" shows...bwahahahaha...

angkeg
angkeg

BHWHAHAHAHAAHHAHAAAA!!!!!! OH MY GAWSH BHWHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!! !

Jennafuzzy
Jennafuzzy

Reading your blogs is the highlight of my day (I can't tell if that's a good thing or bad?) I'm sure my co-workers think I'm nuts because I can't help but laugh hysterically. Thanks for making my day!!

alicia D
alicia D

OMG...this is hysterical!! Brought me to tears reading this, and since I am at work, everyone is looking at me as though I am nuts!!! Kudos to you, Mr Mohr...and you really must bring your show to the Buffalo, NY area!

Trip's Mom
Trip's Mom

“Teee dah meee soo"....freaking hilarious!!!!!!!! Thank you Jay! (so glad I was not alone thinking...WTH did she just say?)

Amyk40
Amyk40

Thank you. You make my day with these things...utterly hilarious observations.

Irvinegirl
Irvinegirl

I hope you're getting paid by the word -- everyone of which is priceless! Any thoughts on whether Joe Gorga can actually read? I don't think so because he always makes his wife do it for him. Loved the "something shiny" comment and the hat expose. Way too funny and spot on!

Acaliforniagal
Acaliforniagal

I am dying with laughter!!! Jay, you are the best (sorry, I do not know how to say that in Japaturkey. I, stupidly, took Spanish in high school.) Ashley/Ashlee is more like Terry Bradshaw than Carrie Bradshaw - ROFL!!!!!!!!

Ashley A
Ashley A

Jay,

I love your blogs they make my day! I dare to say I enjoy your blogs more then I enjoy the show! I love how you always put in pop culture references to make a point. By far my favorite part of this blog is when you said how you had no idea that kathy could speak Japanese! I lived in Rome for a while I speak Italian and let me tell you when she said tiramisu I had no idea what language she was saying it in, so thank you clearing that up for me!LOL! Anyway I am looking forward to reading your upcoming blogs! Btw when are you going to make your way don to Miami/Ft Lauderdale area! I am dying to see you live!

LMAO
LMAO

OMG, Ivana. Get a grip. Jay, you are hilarious. If I hadn't had surgery last week to fix my "I-wet-my-pants-when-I-sneeze-because-I-had-two-good-sized-babies" problem urine would be streaming down my legs right now. You are a riot. Please start writing blogs for all of the other RH shows!