Jay Mohr

Comedian Jay Mohr gives thanks for Joe Gorga... and his many hats.

on Jun 6, 2011

As Episode 204 gets underway I notice that Joe Gorga always has something on his head. He is either wearing a cabbie hat or a knit hat or a do-rag or a bandana. I cannot for the life of me figure out why a grown man loves hats so much. Maybe he’s afraid that if he gets an idea it will roll out of his head onto the sidewalk so he prefers to keep all of his ideas and thoughts under wraps. We have to give credit to the Bravo producers for realizing that they have a star on their hands and deciding to open the show with Joe Gorga (oh yeah, and Melissa) at the supermarket getting ready for Thanksgiving. Joe leaves the butcher counter holding a rump roast and tells the butcher, as he slaps the meat, “I’m an ass man!” Oh, if ever there was a perfect place for a comma. One comma would have made the same sentence even more beautiful and perfect. “I’m an ass, man!”

On the way to the market we hear Melissa say, “Let’s go get a turkey.” Ordinarily I would have written, “You already have one sitting next to you in the car,” but let’s face it, Joe Gorga is no turkey. He is a bright shining Thunderbird sent to us by the television gods. My stance on the Gorgas seems to be softening the more I see of their children. Holy smokes these two make gorgeous kids. In fact, I would even go so far as to say that Antonia is one of the most beautiful children I have ever seen. I hope in the coming weeks after someone has read these blogs to Joe Gorga, he doesn’t kill me. Remember Joe, I am the one that told you how great your kids are. Now go look over there, I just saw something shiny.

Teresa and Joe are also on the hunt for Thanksgiving supplies. The big problem the Giudices are having is that they can’t get there. Somehow Teresa gets lost with both Joe telling her which way to go and GPS. Wasn’t Columbus Italian? Vasco da Gama was Italian. All the great explorers in the history of the world were Italian. Amerigo Vespucci found Florida and Teresa Giudice can’t find Pathmark. I guess that’s why Columbus did not set sail with the Nina, Pinta, Santa Maria, and the Teresa Mercedes. We’d all still be in Europe. I realize moments later that Teresa and Joe aren’t driving to buy a turkey, they are driving to kill a turkey. My bad. Teresa stop texting while driving!!! Joe and Teresa decide to pick out a turkey to kill and then go to the market and buy a Butterball as well. The logic behind this escapes me. Maybe it’s because I’m not wearing a hat. Is the butterball turkey there just to annoy the other turkey and rub it in? Teresa and Joe finally pull up to their turkey destination. It’s called something delicious like ROAD POULTRY. Road poultry? If I am going to start a business selling fresh meat I am going to try and leave visions of road kill out of it. After Road Poultry, Joe and Teresa have to make a few more stops at “Dumpster Hotdogs” “Mold on a Stick” and “Athlete’s Foot, Pudding, and Sons.”

I should pause here and let you know that I am an enormous meat eater. I believe that animals are here to be eaten. That’s why over thousands of years we have never evolved away from our incisors. We were meant to tear flesh and chew it. That is just my opinion. Animals are cute and lovely, but I also find them delicious. HOWEVER. Watching one of the Road Poultry guys chasing a bunch of turkeys  around to show Joe and Teresa truly made me queasy. The guy finally grabs one and the other turkeys just nonchalantly walk away, free to live another day. None of them have any idea that they were almost in Joe Giudice’s stomach. That should make anyone run. Then I started wondering, each year, how many turkeys get away? Do they ever have turkey jail breaks? Is there turkey work release? The day after Thanksgiving, do all the turkeys move into a halfway house?