Jay Mohr

Jay Mohr expounds upon the magnificence of Joe Giudice's splits.

on Jun 26, 2011

Episode 7 starts out with Teresa and Melissa having a meeting of the minds in Jacqueline's house. From the looks of the den, it is safe to say that Jacqueline loves scrap booking, knick-knacks, and Netsukes. The shelves are lined with Precious Moments figurines, and Teresa and Melissa are seated at a giant Ouija board. This may end with the floor opening up and taking their souls.

For the most part they speak in circles, but these are some of the highlights that I have gathered. Melissa tells Teresa that, "It hasn’t been about family with you." This is ridiculous. Teresa is sitting with her sister-in-law discussing her brother and the effect of their fight on her parents. It's ALL about family for Teresa in this instance. I don't want to seem like a Teresa fan every week, it's just that when the ladies sit down to have these think tanks, Teresa just seems to make more sense to me. For example, how could Melissa say regarding her husband, "He wants his sister to be real," when last week Joey Gorga told Teresa to her face that, "Melissa doesn't like you, because you tell it like it is." Pick a lane Gorgas, which is it? Do you want Teresa to be real or are you mad at Teresa for being real? I need to know, like, for real. Teresa mentions that Joey Gorga has some outstanding plumbing bills that someone asked Joe Giudice to cover. In her interview, Melissa says, "If there's a plumber that's unhappy, that's very normal." I think she's right. I read in a make-believe magazine in my head that behind dentists and architects, plumbers have the third highest suicide rate in the country.

I had to rewind Melissa's interview a few times to hear what she was saying, because I was too distracted by her emerald green blouse from Strawberry that was about three sizes too tight. Maybe she got it at Marshalls. She is too big for it or it's too small for her, I can't figure it out. Eventually Teresa channels her inner D.J. Rob Base and says, "It takes two." Melissa wants to believe Teresa, but says she has a little person on her shoulder that says, "Bullsh--." Apparently the little person on Melissa's shoulder has a potty mouth. Teresa and Melissa spend the next few minutes saying things that sound like pieces from a Blue Mountain Arts greeting card. There are also some sentences from Dr. Phil, and I think some type of reference to whack-a-mole. As far as sit-downs go, this one isn't exactly Frost/Nixon, and the girls seem to begrudgingly make up.

To get ready for their trip to the Catskills, Jacqueline grabs a few thousand bottles of wine and Chris empties out his gun closet. Terrific. Jacqueline seems uncomfortable around the guns and says to Chris, "I'm getting my period. Do you really want me around guns?" I think that was Aileen Wuornos' defense. It still beats the Twinkie defense.