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Wow. Just wow. I cannot believe what I just watched. The season premiere of The Real Housewives of New Jersey was off the charts entertaining tonight. Kudos to Bravo for finding such amazing (and somewhat scary) new cast members for its third season. In my opinion Teresa Giudice's brother, Joe Gorga, is by far the star of this episode. New cast members Melissa and Kathy do their best to stir the pot, but when push literally comes to shove, Joe Gorga is hands down the champion of crazy.
I'll start from the beginning, the christening of Teresa's nephew, Giuseppe. The Gorga family spares no expense when it comes to throwing a christening party. This is evident from the constant flow of Sambuca shots, the painted mural of little Giuseppe, and the ice sculpture of a cross. After all, nothing pays homage to the King of Kings like a melting cross. If you leave through the gift shop, be sure to pick up a couple of Giuseppe Gorga commemorative plates.
The show starts off very quickly with Teresa saying in her interview that she and her sister-in-law, Melissa (Joe Gorga's wife), don't get along very well. What Teresa fails to mention is that her brother seems to despise her. The reason is never clearly explained by Joe Gorga during the episode. He gives a few halfhearted exclamations of, "Joe and Teresa tore apart me and my father," but it never makes much sense. Melissa in her interviews continually pounds away at Teresa and Joe. It's hard to take much of what she says seriously, because she is constantly mixing in, "Praise Jesus!" "Praise Jesus!" is a very effective and powerful thing to say, but when you say it at the wrong time, it comes across as kind of creepy. Example: "I was taught to be a wife in the kitchen, a lady public, and a whore in the bedroom. Praise Jesus!" Obviously there is an incredible amount of back-story that we that we don't know involving the Gorga and Giudice families, but in the hour of television time allotted, it seems that the anger Joe and Melissa have against Teresa and Joe is mostly made up and in their heads.
At the Gorga christening (the first christening I have ever witnessed that needed a bouncer) an enormous brawl breaks out. It begins when Teresa approaches the head table and utters those good old fashioned fightin' words, "Congratulations!" This makes Joe Gorga lose his mind and respond with, "Get the f--- out of here," "Leave," and the always brotherly, "You're garbage!" To Teresa's credit, as mean as her brother was, she does begin to walk away before he calls her garbage. Joe does all this while pounding shot after shot with his pinkie out. He is obviously a very fancy man. Joe Gorga then starts banging his enormous fists on the table so hard that peas and beef fly into the air. At this point Joe Giudice has seen enough and charges Joe Gorga. This is one of the most frightening things I have ever seen on television, since Joe Giudice looks like a guy that could kill everyone in New Jersey using nothing but a cue ball in a sweat sock.
This was funny, Jay! Thanks for the play-by-play recap of the crazy circus called Real Housewives of New Jersey! Makes me want to attend a christening.
Jay you are hilarious and your blog was the perfect end to a great night of Bravo. I don't know if I'm looking more forward to next week's show or your next blog...
Great job Jay! I hope those NJ buffoons read your blog and get a clue as to how utterly ridiculous they are. Well, not all...love the Manzo's!
Please, please, please continue to blog throughout the season!!! That was hilarious and IMO pretty accurate...
I've seen you live and I've heard you on the radio, and you never cease to make me laugh. But, I think you just topped yourself with this review. I was laughing through my tears while reading what you wrote. Bravo (pun intended) to Bravo for bringing your genius sense of humor on board! Can't wait to read your next blog! PJ (Praise Jesus!)
You just won the best blog award! I cannot wait for the next show just to read your commentary, hilarious!
Once upon a time we thought Teresa was a bit overly excited for flipping a table. How could we know that is normal Sunday dinner fare for the Gorga family? Who knew?
Perfect perfect recap!!! I cannot add anything to it because you nailed it! That Melissa and Joe seem to still be smarting a bit because they were not cast from day one on this show. It's obvious that they stir the pot and oddly believe folks will immediately side with them. NOT!!! Can't wait for the next episode. This season is going to be crazy!!
Bravo! ( no pun intended) Thanks for some extra laughs Jay. After an epic show like that I needed to read this. Even though my head is still spinning from it all , giggling about it is such a guilty pleasure.
Jay, You are so funny and can not wait to read your blog every week. I also hope Andy has you back on WWHL, you are the best to watch on his show.
Love your take on things! So funny and incredibly accurate...looking forward to your posts each week. Thank you for making me laugh after watching that difficult scene!
Jay Mohr, totally on cue! You are hilarious, I loved your appearance on WWHL a few weeks back. Bravo should give you a consistent blog, you say exactly what I'm thinking, except you make it ten times funnier. Keep exposing how ridiculously funny these housewives are!
You have always been one of the funniest people I have ever had the pleasure of hearing live and now to be blogging on Bravotv.com is too much. I was literally laughing outloud at what you had to say. And I totally agree with everything you saw, how these people view themselves is quite interesting.
This is seriously the funniest damn thing I have ever read. Priceless and spot on. Reading this the morning after made the night terrors I had because I watched the premiere worth it. Love you Jay!
That was one of the funniest things I have read in a while....Thanks Jay! And Yes...I think Melissa and Joe are an amazing find! It is going to be better than crazy Danielle!!
Too funny! Hit the nail on the head! " ......brews a pot of coffee..." LOL! Can't wait to read next week's.
LOVED, LOVED, LOVED your perspective of last night's crazy show... I agree with everything you said...You are very funny, loved reading your blog, and hope you do this every week!!!
Great blog! You had me laughing hysterically, and I definitely agree with your take on the episode! (Praise Jesus)
Amen! You hit it out of the park.... We sat here last night with our jaws on the floor watching that.... Priceless!
Jay - Praise Jesus! That was the best blog I have ever read! It takes a lot for me to laugh and I was rolling with tears down my face reading this. I've loved you for years! Can't wait to read next week's! Bravo to you!
Single best recap EVER!!! HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks Jay for laying it all out there, love it.
You have a great eye and offer an excellent summary of the episode. Thanks for the laughs. I'm buying your book today. You really are funny!
Jay, your recap is SO much better than those found on ew.com (exception: Karen Valby - the only one worth reading). I will now be spending my morning-after with you. I'll have coffee - please bring pastries. We'll invite Karen. Praise Jesus!
I hope we get to read your re-cap every week jay!1 Much more entertaining blog to read than the cast members!!
You made me laugh so hard, I had tears in my eyes!! "..makes Eeyore look like Richard Simmons" LOL!!! The paragraph on "Miss Personality" was priceless!! Is there a "How to commute for dummies?" I'll send it to Ashley.
I woke up still exhausted from this episode!! I really thought, "There is no way I can ride this rollercoaster. It'll kill me." Then I read your blog. Damn you Jay Mohr! I am going to have to watch this train wreck every week, just so I have context for the funniest blog ever!!
Jay, Hillarous and Bravo to you. My co-worker and I are laughing into tears. Your recap is spot on. You need you to do WWHL exclusively on Monday nights to recap NEW JERSEY. Love Andy, but I don't think he can handle it; only you truely understand the dymanic of this show and YOUS are not afaird of the Joes. I agree; NJ has separated themselves with this season. Danielle Who????.
Jay you rock -- I fell off my chair laughing. So psyched you will be blogging this season--you need to blog on all of the RH -- or as we call them in our house the ho-ho's
Right on...and funny....LOVED the bike reference...I too felt ill when the dinner choice was "Clams" with his wierd face..was it sexual or just clams...Yes....this episode made me feel alot of things...Good TV...this family is a gold mine....
Will be back weekly....