Jay Mohr

Jay Mohr offers a comedian's take on Episode 1.

on May 12, 2011

Wow. Just wow. I cannot believe what I just watched. The season premiere of The Real Housewives of New Jersey was off the charts entertaining tonight. Kudos to Bravo for finding such amazing (and somewhat scary) new cast members for its third season. In my opinion Teresa Giudice's brother, Joe Gorga, is by far the star of this episode. New cast members Melissa and Kathy do their best to stir the pot, but when push literally comes to shove, Joe Gorga is hands down the champion of crazy.

I'll start from the beginning, the christening of Teresa's nephew, Giuseppe. The Gorga family spares no expense when it comes to throwing a christening party. This is evident from the constant flow of Sambuca shots, the painted mural of little Giuseppe, and the ice sculpture of a cross. After all, nothing pays homage to the King of Kings like a melting cross. If you leave through the gift shop, be sure to pick up a couple of Giuseppe Gorga commemorative plates.

The show starts off very quickly with Teresa saying in her interview that she and her sister-in-law, Melissa (Joe Gorga's wife), don't get along very well. What Teresa fails to mention is that her brother seems to despise her. The reason is never clearly explained by Joe Gorga during the episode. He gives a few halfhearted exclamations of, "Joe and Teresa tore apart me and my father," but it never makes much sense. Melissa in her interviews continually pounds away at Teresa and Joe. It's hard to take much of what she says seriously, because she is constantly mixing in, "Praise Jesus!" "Praise Jesus!" is a very effective and powerful thing to say, but when you say it at the wrong time, it comes across as kind of creepy. Example: "I was taught to be a wife in the kitchen, a lady public, and a whore in the bedroom. Praise Jesus!" Obviously there is an incredible amount of back-story that we that we don't know involving the Gorga and Giudice families, but in the hour of television time allotted, it seems that the anger Joe and Melissa have against Teresa and Joe is mostly made up and in their heads.

At the Gorga christening (the first christening I have ever witnessed that needed a bouncer) an enormous brawl breaks out. It begins when Teresa approaches the head table and utters those good old fashioned fightin' words, "Congratulations!" This makes Joe Gorga lose his mind and respond with, "Get the f--- out of here," "Leave," and the always brotherly, "You're garbage!" To Teresa's credit, as mean as her brother was, she does begin to walk away before he calls her garbage. Joe does all this while pounding shot after shot with his pinkie out. He is obviously a very fancy man. Joe Gorga then starts banging his enormous fists on the table so hard that peas and beef fly into the air. At this point Joe Giudice has seen enough and charges Joe Gorga. This is one of the most frightening things I have ever seen on television, since Joe Giudice looks like a guy that could kill everyone in New Jersey using nothing but a cue ball in a sweat sock.