Jay Mohr

Episode 13: Jay thinks L.A. might be the perfect place for Ashley.

on Aug 14, 2011

I have finally figured out what separates The Real Housewives of New Jersey from the other cities on The Real Housewives radar. Food. There is so much food at all times. On The Real Housewives of New York City it seems that eating is done by appointment. On The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills eating seems forbidden. On The Real Housewives of New Jersey there is food everywhere at all times and every one eats it like they have nine rectums.

We start the show at Teresa’s house where there is plenty of food (thankfully no lamb heads with tubes or baked doberman fish) being eaten as the family poses for a cookbook photo shoot. We see Teresa feeding Audriana meatballs. This begs the question: Are you supposed to feed a one-year-old meatballs? If that’s what makes the Giudice children so beautiful, then make sure you give her seconds. After re-watching last week’s episode and reading Teresa’s blog, I still can’t figure out why she’s been so negative. Teresa should feel amazing. She is on top of the world. She has beautiful children, a cookbook on the New York Times bestseller list, and a husband that can do the splits. I wrote two books and neither of them made the New York Times bestseller list. For my third book, I think I’m going to sneak in a couple recipes for turkey gravy. I should probably also learn to do the splits, although I’m not sure how that would help sell books.

Anyway -- As the family sits around the table, the kids are super restless and Joe Giudice looks like he’s about to take a bite out of the kitchen counter. I haven’t seen a photo shoot this uncomfortable since Star 80. At one point things get so out of hand the baby’s headband falls off. It’s a mad house. Babies need headbands to keep the sweat out of their eyes when they’re eating meatballs. I never eat meatballs without my headband. In her interview, Teresa explains her popularity to us. She says that people can relate to her because, “People can, like, relate to me because I am really real.” Really. When the photo shoot is over, the photographer (they tried to get Jurgen Teller but he wasn’t available) says, “Thank you, Gia, I know that was challenging for you.” Was that a dig? Is this man insane? Am I the only one that noticed he sounded like Tim Gunn? Did I really see someone on screen named Frances Soo Ping Chow? So many questions! I think I have a fever. Do you think Frances gets upset when people at work mess up her name. “Everyone, this is Frances Ping Soo Chow.” “SOO PING! SOO PING! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE WE BEEN THROUGH THIS?!”