Jay Mohr

Jay Mohr offers a comedian's take on Episode 3.

on May 30, 2011

We cut to the Gorga household, where Giuseppe immediately smashes his sister in the face with a fork. Like father like son I guess. Melissa is wearing a t-shirt that says “Mommy” on it. Since Victoria seems to be the only person in the house that can probably read, it may be Melissa’s reminder to herself. Joe Gorga is incredibly horny and keeps trying to make love to his wife. Melissa explains that she is too tired for sex after a fashion show. Joe tells her it doesn’t matter and says, “You should wake up for me. Get a shot of espresso and roll over.” I think I heard the same sentence once on Oz. Joe tells Melissa he needs to have sex because he is “so filled with poison.” No, Joe, that’s cumin.

Jacqueline goes to a psychic who for some fantastic reason keeps saying “Oshley” instead of “Ashley.” The psychic’s house is decorated like the waiting room at Disney’s Haunted Mansion. Talk about putting all of your cards on the table! At one point there is a shot of the psychic’s table and there seems to be about a hundred and forty Tarot cards on it. A few more and she could wallpaper her house with them.

Albie and Christopher are beginning their move to almost New York, and at one point their friend Greg shows up. Umm, is Greg out of the closet? He seems a bit on the down low, and he is holding a tiny dog wearing a pink jacket. As I write this I realize that I have a teacup yorkie with a pink jacket. I carry the yorkie in her pink jacket in a Louis Vuitton dog carrier, and I personally am walking around with a Hermes man purse. So I guess the better question is am I out of the closet yet? No, not yet. Yet!

Jacqueline’s parents are visiting and the conversation turns to how hard Jacqueline had it when Miss Personality, Ashley (Oshley), was born. Jacqueline’s dad, Jerry, tells the story about how when Jacqueline found out what a dead beat her husband was, she took everything he owned, dumped it out into the courtyard, and told him to come and get it. I don’t know about you, but I was very uncomfortable when Jerry said that Ashley has an absentee dad with Chris sitting right in front of him. If I was Chris, I would have stood up and thrown all of Ashley’s stuff into the courtyard and told her to come and get it. Kudos to Chris for not even clearing his throat during this exchange. And super, super respect for being a great stepparent. Jacqueline’s dad, Jerry, seems to be making way too many excuses for Ashley. He even pontificates, “How many brothers does she have in Texas? Four?” Hate to break it to you, Jerry, but that is the kind of information you should have down cold. Is Jerry implying that the reason Miss Personality has it so hard is because she is from a broken home? Easy there, Pop. Most of us are from some type of broken home, and we aren’t walking drips. Hell, some of us even commute!